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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Great Poet Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shoggoth
    ASL Info:    24/m/croatia
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 80/84/30
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 960
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 628



    Description:
       I upgraded on a former poem of mine which was said to be too short..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Great Poet Lostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Spat out from mischievous fluids
    Burnt and choked on hostile air
    Thrust upon the growling soil
    To suffer it would never dare

    Iced and heated in the mud
    Trapped in countless depthless holes
    Stabbed with clotted ink filled pens
    A furnace for unbroken souls

    Crucified by sky-lit lakes
    With lifelessness - immune to death
    Embodiment of bittersweetness
    Created under God's low breath

    A blank spot on the coarsest canvas
    Nothing less and nothing more
    A shadow of a silhouette
    Nothingness for evermore




    Submitted on 2006-06-04 09:22:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Deffinitly special...

    It makes the reader want to take a closer look, and it takes the reader inside it.
    Good.
    I dont think I would change anything...

    I especially like the last part where you end the piece with playing with words.

    " Nothing less - Nothingness"

    " nothing more - evermore"

    Well.. just my opinion :-)
    | Posted on 2009-06-15 00:00:00 | by Kwanying | [ Reply to This ]
      stacco pace, well adapted, makes one think of Lovecraft....if all of the lines were 7 or 8 syllables I think this fine poem would even be improved over all--(as a general rule, though not always, most poems will improved if you have the same number of syllables in each line) I liked it muchly...bravo
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I think you meant:
    Stabbed with clotted ink(-)filled pens
    --and--
    With lifelessness-- im(m)une to death

    I noticed that most of your lines were between seven and eight syllables, except for two lines:
    Embodiment of bittersweetness
    --and--
    A blank spot on the coarsest canvas
    I think you could work on these to be a bit more concise, and to fit into your seven-eight syllable count. As they are, they stick out as being slightly too long on the tongue to read out in regards to the rhythm of your piece.

    Your very last line I would change too. I think it's just me but "nevermore" is one of those poetic words that makes me cringe every time I hear/read it. Also, you're rhyming "more" with "evermore"-- true end-rhyming with the same word isn't usually done, y'know? It's... awkward. I think you could come up with an ending that still rhymes and does away with that cliché. But that's just what I think.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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