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I remember climbing trees
leaping from branch to branch
warm summer pools where I'd dip and dance
there were ice cold winters that chilled to the bone
syrup cover snow cones that awakened my soul
playing king of the castle and winning some of the time
bouncing down the hill and laughing and all is fine
i burned firecrackers and watched them sizzle with a friend
heat up an ant with a sun warmed window pane
kind hearted playful nature of a boy
longing for this and those qualities that i enjoy
dash off the sludge of Adulthood
spitting at crows and cursing the trains
be alive in the memories of youth
wait for the rain and prance in it once agian
| on about the sixth line you lost some of the lyrical value that you had, If not through direct rhyme then through an allitteration. This is emphasized by the end where you picked up a rhyme scheme again and the rythm came back. Look at the three line there in the middle and see if you can rearrange or reword.|
You had great images floating all through this and it sounds like a great childhood to remember.
|| Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ] || I liked how you looked back to childhood, I think you had some very memorable times by your descriptions too. I found the 8th and 9th lines quite humourous.|
Just a few suggestions if you don't mind. On the second line, I think you have a typo. Also on the ninth line, to me it seems there is a word missing between watched and sizzle.
I enjoyed the poem very much.
|| Posted on 2006-06-08 00:00:00 | by SilverScent | [ Reply to This ] |