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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Animus Rapturedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rask
    ASL Info:    17/female/Canada...
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 56/34/14
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 1406
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1606



    Description:
       Started a while back... worked on it off and on for a while. The meaning is obvious [hopefully], where as this was more of a poem to describe inner self reflective emotions. Enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnimus Rapturedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Animus Rapture

    A deep emotional disturbance
    Runs through my blackened chambers
    Of ice and grim;
    Tar and steel, make anything but captivating lures.
    A love that's been hidden
    Eaten, swallowed and thrown away,
    Immersed inside this sea of abysmal agony

    My eyes ensnared behind verminous waterfalls,
    Of decay and tainted reveries
    A frustration so incredibly intruding,
    Not even you can venture down those halls
    Filled with scorn and malevolence.
    Pictures with fake smiles deluding
    you to believe that what you see
    Is merely a glimpse.

    Your hands reach past my filth,
    And grip my joy blind eyes
    With the tips of your bleeding fingers;
    To secure them in a better light,
    Or set them as a feast for the flies.

    My lips, infested and just as toxic
    Can't bestow my love anymore.
    My hands tied and bound copiously with chains
    And locks no keys can endure
    without whines and complaints.

    Ruptured, are my chambers,
    but not my binds
    I figit endlessly until with bleeding fingers
    and wrists; my limbs are numb.
    My thoughts and hopefuls now intertwine;
    pestilent they've become.

    Alas, my beacon in the night,
    You've seemingly arrived
    With armour glowing, and knuckles of sanguine.
    Perhaps, your swollen fingers could be
    the keys to my salvation--
    A new life with death not nearly as close behind.




    Submitted on 2006-06-04 17:51:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow...I feel so bad for knowing I don't possess the ability to leave long comments to those deserving...but if you would forgive me, then I would send my appreciation through a cookie!

    But I still like the poem and wish to add it to my favorites, you know what I mean...?

    That was a poem that touched me in a way "dark" poetry touches some, and even if it wasn't dark according to your thoughts, ( some think it is you know...) I stil think that was a very shot that you nailed.

    Wewak11 is right however about the contractions do seem out of place.... Yeah, just little monkey's that stick out only when you're skilled to catch it, or try to give a critical comment.

    So I just wanted to tell you that the stanza that read, " My lips, infested and just as toxic
    Can't bestow my love anymore.
    My hands tied and bound copiously with chains
    And locks no keys can endure
    without whines and complaints," had a special if you can call it that, meaning to me. It was saying, at least in my opinion, that you feel dirty, unable to show love and appeciation through those little diplays of emotion called kisses.

    But of course, I maybe completely wrong, but anyway I love this poem, and tend to add it to my favorites.

    Keep up the great work Rask!
    *x* Twisted
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Twisted | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, it has been my great fortune or misfortune, I don't know which yet, to have read 2 poems with the word 'abysmal' today. -.- I believe this has potential if filtered down a bit, without all the flowery language.

    Mel
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      kool
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by PrincessOfDark | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well written My Friend
    It has been a while since I have read a poem with this much energy and emotion
    You speak of your pain extremely well
    I am so sorry you have to feel so much pain
    I will be praying for you
    Again fantastic Job
    I will eagerly be looking for more of your writes
    I wouldnt change a thing to this write
    It is perfect as it is
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG
    wow its been awhile for me since i was on here last so forgive me comment if its long

    that was great it express the hurt and pain that you had to do and put up with untill that someone came to save you

    you painted a picture in my mind to match the words which was great you can feel and see what you had to go threw but in the end you where saved just to escaped the jaws of death once again. i enjoyed .
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by kandice | [ Reply to This ]
      not too bad. didn't see anything wrong. bit too dark though for my taste.
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by availability19 | [ Reply to This ]
      The first ties I made were: Animus - Latin [Which is false but who was I to know] - Boudoirs laced in opium themes - Polarized - Post medieval toturing chamber - Love - Knight in shining armour - Hope.

    Random aren't they? Who thinks in a logical organized way anyhow. I enjoyed your vocabulary, it was obviously a tad bit researched, and it really added to the piece itself.

    As for The use of "Rapture" in your title, I don't quite see the link to your text. It seems to realistic, and sadistic to really be a physical rapture. Emotionally, the feelings are "a sea of abysmal agony," although the hope inspired in the latter part might be a rapture; trascending for that total inhuman pain to this infinite joy.

    Of course, the obvious use of seemingly, and perhaps, leaves a huge possibility of that hope crashing back into total pain once again. I love that in this poem, the blunt reality of things.

    I could see this piece as "romantic" in the sense that it didn't happen that way, but you shure as heck felt it that way. Agonizing endlessly over past events often leads to an exageration. Not saying that specifically about your poem and/or case, just generically.

    One part that slightly confused me, I tend to be stupid sometimes in the morning so forgive me for my stupidity, is that part with the fake "smiles deluding you to beleive this is merely a glimpse," and yet you keep on going later on in the poem assuming that this deception is true because there actually is something past "my filth." At least, that's the way I understood it.

    Sorry, but I'm getting bored of being analytical about this, especially at such an early hour of the day. A la prochaine, ma belle!
    Marc
    | Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      the begginning started off good and the poem became more amazing as it kept going. while it did have me amazed most of the time, there was a few parts that weren't elaborated enough. i'm not one to help other's so i wont tel you which parts. why? because using my idea's in your poetry doesn't make it really yours, it makes it ours. crazy i know, but thats what i think.

    well done, it blew me away.

    Zach
    | Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was very well done, with a good rhythmn and excellent words. A good vocabulary will always help with writing, because it helps it become original, not repetative. The message is one of strength, at least in my eyes, and the never ending struggle. It shows pain, but working through that pain to acheive. It's a subtle difference, because many poems are about pain and not much else. I believe yours is about pain, but then redemption, which is the way the world works, the real one anyway.

    I really enjoyed this piece, and I'd love to see more like this.
    SB7
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
      All right, I think "my blackened chambers of ice and grim" could be elaborated on more, at least explained. To me, it seems like veins, but the whole layout of this is very cryptic. I like the writing itself, but the meaning is difficult to derive.

    Mel
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      This was truly an enjoyable read for me. It has a sort of dark-age ambient about it, similar to the style Edgar A. Poe uses. I feel the emotion of being captured and imprisoned by my own desire for the freedom; that of love, could possibly set me free.

    Being a prisoner in my own hell/ or mind until that magical evening a savior comes to unbind my heart and soul very captivating piece, having captured the essence of the agony of a love lost and regained.

    Sarah
    | Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Powerful beginning. The flow through this poem is extremely well done. Your style of writing in this is very intriguing. It's a sadistic yet romantic mixture, glazed over with a graceful, 'old' style of morbid writing showing one's suffering and reaction to love. Where in most cases, people's suffering is from their love, this poem seems to hold the person's past and self-perception accountable for the internal pain, and the love is there unrelated to it. It's unique. I think the first stanza is my favourite out of the whole poem. This stanza has some conflicting imagery. It's dark yet beautiful. I really do love the words you used. You did an amazing job of forging how you felt into something truly original. It, to me, gives off a feeling of someone who's been suffering; experiencing a new emotion [love] and then repressing it (for whatever reason; maybe because they feel unworthy/view themselves with little value). I also enjoyed the combination of 'industrial' and 'organic' depictions. It's very well done.

    Second stanza has a lot to it. And I like that depth. For instance, the first two lines seem to portray a person who is trapped viewing themselves negatively/observing their pain or stuck viewing unhappy thoughts of their past. And the next three are detailing how that person is overwhelmed; filled with so much angst and bad memories that they believe even the person they love can't help them, at least to me anyways I may be wrong. Also, the last three lines are a great idea. It's sad when you think about it, but it's very clever. Funny how a picture, which shows an fraction of any moment, but can contain so much.

    ''Your hands reach past my filth,
    And grip my joy blind eyes
    With the tips of your bleeding fingers;
    To secure them in a better light,
    Or set them as a feast for the flies.''

    I dont quite understand this stanza entirely as much, though I love how it's written. It is perhaps describing how the person is being touched in a helpful way by the person they love. Like, they are aknowledging how the person they love doesn't care about all the things they think is wrong with them; and how their lover can only see the beauty about them that they do not feel exists. Also seems like they're both in pain; the person and their lover. As indicated to me by the third line in this stanza, it attributes suffering to the person they love. Then where I got lost is the last two lines, it kinda turns, like their lover is also harming them or at least has an intent/the potential to. Like they're giving themselves to their lover, unsure of what they might do. Or maybe it's showing the person's insecurity, and fear that this person who they love so much could turn out like all the others. It's maybe caused by a defence-mechanism that person has learned through experiences they've had in their life.

    At first I didn't quite get your meaning of fourth stanza either, well the beginning. Then :D I got it. Hehe. Awwww. I didn't mind, I was happy to just be with you. And we did 'bestow our love' to one another, just without kissing :P I did miss it, but I had an amazing time nonetheless. Sorry to've gotten off track. Anyways, I love those lines though, good illustration of that event. The last three lines are very interesting. It's one of my favourite parts of the piece. I'm not sure 100% of it's meaning, but I like the idea and especially the line 'And locks no keys can endure'. I'm not sure if it's personification, maybe a bit, but it's very memorable. My only suggestion for this stanza, and probably the whole piece, is it contains the word 'and' a lot. Maybe try something like:

    ''My hands tied, bound copiously with chains
    and locks no keys can endure;
    they whine and complain if you dare to try. -or-
    whining and complaining if you dare to try."

    Anything like that, whatever you'd like to do, I dunno. It's not anything good to add to the poem, what I said. That's just a suggestion, may not a very helpful one but, this stanza just may need to be cleaned up a bit, some of the and's taken out. Other than that I loved this stanza.

    On to the fifth part. This stanza, is darker, and goes into detail of the person's suffering. The cause of which isn't clear in this stanza (to me), but I can extrapolate from what I know about you and from the rest of the poem and maybe it is brought on by an unhappiness caused by past events. And by thoughts (generated by those events) that have been kept in the person's mind, too painful to recall or share. Thoughts in which they should confide in someone, to feel better. The first two lines do an excellent job of painting a picture of suffering in internal [mental] agony and being restricted, seemingly having no way out. Just immobilized in general, stuck without any real way to get better as they slowly die inside. I feel the strife. The last four lines add to this, in my opinion, illustrating the loss of feeling (maybe loss of caring and feeling emotions in general) and the hopeful thoughts that fill your mind but never seem to come true and now offer less comfort than aggravation. Or maybe it's the dark thoughts mixing with the good, causing you confusion and frustration. My only suggestion for this wonderful stanza, is the fifth line seems odd to me.

    "My thoughts and hopefuls now intertwine;" - 'Hopefuls' seems incorrect though, but you're smarter than me so maybe I just don't know proper grammar, well, I think I've already displayed that fact many times. lol

    Maybe: "My thoughts and hope now intertwine;"

    [ Another quick suggestion, although it's perfectly fine how it is, would be on the lines:
    ''Ruptured, are my chambers,
    but not my binds''
    Unless you're trying to play into the last stanza's word 'bound' then maybe you should change the 'bind' to something like:
    ''Ruptured, are my chambers,
    but not my constraints'' but this is just a mindless suggestion, I really do think it's fine the way it is. Disregard if need be.]

    I loved this ending. But it's not finite, there's no guarantee of happiness. It's a potential redemption/salvation. It's sad, some might say a let down but oh my god, burn them because I found it so brilliant. That's exactly how life is. It makes the poem come alive, and validates the greatness of your skills. I like that perception. Someone that you hold so grand (and maybe even feel guides you somewhat) coming into the listless dark loneliness, here for you with apparent benevolence but a contrasting side of suffering or violence, with the reference to sanguine knuckles. Maybe they're bloody from fighting someone (even if not physically fighting; e.g./ combating an ideal) or perhaps they're bloody as a symbol of that person's anguish. The last three lines I think, display again how the person is unsure if their lover can help, even if they want them to be able to. It also shows the person giving themselves to their lover, hoping the significant other will give them a better life, or make them happy/solve the problem that causing the pain. The last line has to be my favourite from the whole piece, from a poetic standpoint. Other parts have more meaning to me though :D

    "A new life with death not nearly as close behind."

    It's just spectacular. It says so much. Depending on the reader, it can have many meanings. Someone who's just changed their lifestyle (e.g./ stopped doing drugs, or recovering from a depression). Or someone who's just been cured of an ailment. It's does have quite a few meanings but they all revolve around a certain change in someone's life. I think this is one of those universal lines in poetry, one any human can read and relate to, and it's so beautiful. Excellent job.

    Anyways, I was writing about this objectively so I apologise for reffering to 'the person' a billion times. I know it's about you though, I think. But I wasn't commenting with that in mind. And sorry for making this so long, hope you're feeling ok when you are reading it. Thank you for sharing I really, really loved this. I'm adding it to my favourites. :D Talk to you soon!! I love you!! <3<3
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, let me say I really enjoyed reading this, which is fairly rare on es with this kind of poem.

    You have obviousl put some work into it, instead of rushing into writing down your thoughts...which sometimes has good results, but not usually.

    All I have to offer are some small nit-picky things, and I stress that these are just MY thoughts, so, I don't expect them actioned, just thought over.

    I would override the capitalisation of the first letters with this one. It has its place, but can sometimes interrupt the flow of the words.

    "My hands tied and bound copiously with chains" I thought that line was a bit awkward, the copiously doesn't seem to fit.

    "My hands tied and weighed down with chains" maybe?

    Contractions like "can't" and "You're" seem to be out of place with the language you are using, I would make it cannot, and you are, etc.

    Like I said, just little nit-picks, you get a huge thumbs up for this from me - and I don't praise much!!! lol

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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    105917

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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