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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love Sensesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wewak11
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 3436/3630/329
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1067
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1202



    Description:
       Sure, it's soppy. You would be too...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove Sensesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Listen with your heart and hear me singing,
    As you sleep, believe with all your might;
    Moon dust in the melody I'm bringing,
    Let me be your lullaby tonight.

    See me with your mind when you are dreaming,
    Floating with you, watch us rise and fall;
    In the darkest hour my star is beaming,
    Always there, you only need to call.

    Taste me in the sweetness of devotion,
    Rolling constantly as sea on shore;
    Drink my love and use it as a potion,
    Take me in your heart for ever more.

    Breathe me in, I'm everywhere around you,
    Smell my scent as I fall down like rain;
    Whisper thanks to Heaven that I found you,
    Until now our lives have been in vain.

    Touch me, close your eyes and use your fingers,
    Though I'm far away my soul is near;
    Feel the warmth of precious love that lingers,
    Let your mind believe that I am here.

    Know, this moment your new life commences,
    Never will you be alone, I swear;
    Use your heart, your mind, and all your senses,
    Smile for me, my love, for I'll be there.




    Submitted on 2006-06-04 21:02:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Graeme,

    Soppy? Sure, but someone has to write love poems.

    The second half of the first quatraine is a bit rough...it feels a little forced and not smoothe in it delivery or rhythm. However I do like the imagery you set up here and how you follow throught the rest of the poem involving the other senses.

    My only othe rcomment for change is to change the first word of the last quatraine to "Know" instead of from....It really doesn't change the meaning of the poem but it does introduce the sense of perception that we acknowldge, but have not real scientific basis for. I think it strengthens that connection across distance between loved ones.
    jan
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      This was soooo sense-uous! LOL! (Sorry- couldn't pass it up. It was just right there.)

    I have told you, probably more times than you care to hear, that I love your love poems.

    I have tried to use the 'Chello Method" of commenting on this- ya know, praise it a bunch and then point out a couple flaws- and I'm falling flat on my face for any suggestions that aren't simply egotistical word choices. (Of course, I'm still thinking through mud...)

    This is a beautiful love poem. I wish I had written it!

    You sure know how to make a woman smile,

    Take Care!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      awww, so sweet!! i just felt like melting...in a good way that is. i felt as though i was holding this poem close to me as though it was my love as i read through your poem. i know that you want to make your poem rhyme but it makes it sometimes sound just a little odd. but other than that i think this is a great love poem!

    suzi

    p.s hope to read more of your love poems.
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by sushi wok | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a beautifully written love poem very imaginary and desrpitive, you do get to all the other senses with your words. I enjoy reading about love and love poems always bring a smile to my face especially if they are good ones and you did a wonderful job on this one and since you changed the first word in the last stanza the perception does come out you did a great job on this one aand it was a joy to read this.


    Ladymustang
    | Posted on 2006-06-08 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      What a love poem. It's a deep one this. I see it on a deeper level than as one lover to another also.

    "Touch me, close your eyes and use your fingers". mmmmmmmmmmmm young man!!! lol

    Listen with your heart and hear me singing,
    As you sleep, believe with all your might;
    Moon dust (it needs a word to help the flow here me thinks like "dancing") in the melody I'm bringing,
    Let me be your lullaby tonight.

    See me with your mind when you are dreaming,
    Floating with you, (with you doesn't seem to fit here for me) watch us rise and fall;
    In the darkest hour my star is beaming,
    (I love the beaming star of your soul reference)
    Always there, you only need to call.
    (The repetition of the word "you" is bugging me and I feel that you could explore other ways of getting your line across e.g. ever present, ominpresent, whisper me a call, lip me a service call are thoughts that sprang to mind)

    Taste me in the sweetness of devotion,
    Rolling constantly as sea on shore;
    Drink my love and use it as a potion,
    Take me in your heart for ever more.

    I love this verse,, it rolls around my head and my heart like an exciting storm :)

    Breathe me in, I'm everywhere around you,
    (Think this could me more adventourously put)
    Smell my scent as I fall down like rain;
    Whisper thanks to Heaven that I found you,
    Until now our lives have been in vain.

    Touch me, close your eyes and use your fingers,
    Though I'm far away my soul is near;
    Feel the warmth of precious love that lingers,
    Let your mind believe that I am here.

    This too I love it. It's great when read aloud :)

    Know, this moment your new life commences,
    Never will you be alone, I swear;
    Use your heart, your mind, and all your senses,
    Smile for me, my love, for I'll be there.

    I like the ending sentence. It's started a song off in my head too....I'll be there....I'll be thereeeeerererere....just call my name

    Anyways I took the time to sift through this delight and enjoyed munching on your words. Ignor my ramblings if you find them unhelpful, explore them if you find them helpful either way have a good day :)

    Kate
    xxx
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      the second verse i think the last line would sound sweeter as you need only call, but you're the wewak. It's such a whole piece, there seems to be just, overwhelming depth in each segment, that the reader just wishes they could relate... This would make a lovely song.. Your ballroom days are over baby, night is drawing near. Shadows of the evening crawl across the years. Yeah you walk across the floor, with your, flowers in your hair, tryin to tell me no one, understands... I digressssss, peace out man. -rue
    | Posted on 2006-07-08 00:00:00 | by Rue | [ Reply to This ]


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