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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reminiscancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rastine Aristat
    ASL Info:    19/Male/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 125/62/31
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 966
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1043



    Description:
       As always, I prefer that you be honest rather than being kind.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReminiscancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    With your help
    I conquered everything
    The beast of wrath,
    The devil of fear,
    Even the gloom
    Tainting my views

    Only in hindsight
    Do I realize
    They are my life,
    The blood in my veins,
    Without them Iím nothing more
    Than a heavy heart
    And a hollow soul.

    Iím sorry my friend,
    My beacon of hope,
    I now understand,
    I just donít belong near you,
    I never have.
    Not a thing we do
    Will ever change that.
    But once at least,
    I belonged with myself,
    Now Iím not so sure

    I gave you my pain,
    Iíd like it back now;
    I hope youíve kept it safe
    For this infinite chasm
    Lying in its stead,
    Brings with it
    Indomitable melancholy.

    Wonít you please,
    Return my demons,
    The ones Iíve come to know,
    Let me vanquish,
    Once and for all
    The unspoken ostracism
    You must know I feel.




    Submitted on 2006-06-04 21:24:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      In all honesty I think you could punctuate this a bit differently to let the reader in on your pauses and stresses. I've taken liberty to do so, so here it is:

    With your help
    I conquered everything(:)
    The beast of wrath,
    The devil of fear(--)
    Even the gloom
    Tainting my views(.)

    Only in hindsight
    Do I realize
    They are my life,
    The blood in my veins(;)
    Without them
    Iím nothing more
    Than a heavy heart
    And a hollow soul.

    Iím sorry my friend,
    My beacon of hope(:)
    I now understand()
    I donít belong near you(;)
    I never have.

    Not a thing we do
    Will ever change that(;)
    But once(,)at least,
    I belonged with myself(--)
    Now Iím not so sure(.)

    I gave you my pain(--)
    Iíd like it back now;
    I hope youíve kept it safe(,)
    For this infinite chasm
    Lying in its stead()
    Brings with it
    Indomitable melancholy.

    Wonít you please()
    Return my demons,
    The ones Iíve come to know(?)

    Let me vanquish,
    Once and for all(,)
    The unspoken ostracism
    You must know I feel.


    As I say to everyone, take what works for you and ditch what doesn't.

    As for the poem itself, it's well-expressed... it's straight-up which will appeal to some people. Personally, I prefer metaphor but that's just me... or perhaps written so it's not so blunt. But each poem needs a different angle, so what I say is unimportant-- just an opinion.

    Hope this helps.
    Peace,

    Jase

    P.S. In your title I think you meant "Reminiscence", not "Reminiscance".
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    105949

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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