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Reminiscance


Author: Rastine Aristat
ASL Info:    19/Male/California
Elite Ratio:    8 - 125 /62 /31
Words: 152
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1009
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1059



Description:


As always, I prefer that you be honest rather than being kind.


Reminiscance



With your help
I conquered everything
The beast of wrath,
The devil of fear,
Even the gloom
Tainting my views

Only in hindsight
Do I realize
They are my life,
The blood in my veins,
Without them I’m nothing more
Than a heavy heart
And a hollow soul.

I’m sorry my friend,
My beacon of hope,
I now understand,
I just don’t belong near you,
I never have.
Not a thing we do
Will ever change that.
But once at least,
I belonged with myself,
Now I’m not so sure

I gave you my pain,
I’d like it back now;
I hope you’ve kept it safe
For this infinite chasm
Lying in its stead,
Brings with it
Indomitable melancholy.

Won’t you please,
Return my demons,
The ones I’ve come to know,
Let me vanquish,
Once and for all
The unspoken ostracism
You must know I feel.




Submitted on 2006-06-04 21:24:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  In all honesty I think you could punctuate this a bit differently to let the reader in on your pauses and stresses. I've taken liberty to do so, so here it is:

With your help
I conquered everything(:)
The beast of wrath,
The devil of fear(--)
Even the gloom
Tainting my views(.)

Only in hindsight
Do I realize
They are my life,
The blood in my veins(;)
Without them
I’m nothing more
Than a heavy heart
And a hollow soul.

I’m sorry my friend,
My beacon of hope(:)
I now understand()
I don’t belong near you(;)
I never have.

Not a thing we do
Will ever change that(;)
But once(,)at least,
I belonged with myself(--)
Now I’m not so sure(.)

I gave you my pain(--)
I’d like it back now;
I hope you’ve kept it safe(,)
For this infinite chasm
Lying in its stead()
Brings with it
Indomitable melancholy.

Won’t you please()
Return my demons,
The ones I’ve come to know(?)

Let me vanquish,
Once and for all(,)
The unspoken ostracism
You must know I feel.


As I say to everyone, take what works for you and ditch what doesn't.

As for the poem itself, it's well-expressed... it's straight-up which will appeal to some people. Personally, I prefer metaphor but that's just me... or perhaps written so it's not so blunt. But each poem needs a different angle, so what I say is unimportant-- just an opinion.

Hope this helps.
Peace,

Jase

P.S. In your title I think you meant "Reminiscence", not "Reminiscance".
| Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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