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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ravished and Wantingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 746
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 600



    Description:
       written for my lover.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRavished and Wantingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    she emerges in simple elegance
    and i am at once enthralled
    o sovereign damsel of my heart be
    not cruel to thy captive lord
    deny me not thy loves nor thy kisses
    for thou hast ravished my heart, yea,
    thou hast smitten my soul my love
    with just one glance of thine eyes
    i am my beloved, enamoured with you to
    the depths of my being
    with trembling hands and
    a quivering core do i enter your presence
    for i am but tinder before your passion
    yearning only to be consumed




    Submitted on 2006-06-05 10:34:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the old English in there! You used it to great effect, and no rambling :) Thanks for sharing your talent!
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by Dandelion13 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, nice bit of language here. The ancient ways tend to lend themselves to love poems, look at Shakespeare's sonnets, it's hard to emote the same without the thees and thous, I know, I try! Strangely coincidental, you have forteen lines here, the same as a sonnet.

    First, the things I like is the style you used, no caps and no punctuation. I'm not a big fan of it as i've seen it abused so often, but it works a treat here.


    The tiny picks I have are the use of "Lord" which to me has a masculine feel about it, so I'd use another term there.
    The two "thou hasts" in successive lines are a bit much I reckon, simply phrase it differently to avoid the obvious repetition.

    Otherwise, very good indeed, I'd love to pentameter this into a Spenserian sonnet, it's very close the way it is!

    Well done, a great love anthem

    be happy

    Graeme

    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      that's good, short to the point and moving all the time. I see you put some the old language in there, it didn't bore like it usually does.
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by gjenkins | [ Reply to This ]
      What a lovely classic style.

    This was so very sensual. The title is perfectly suited to the content and definitely drew me in.

    Was there a reason you refrained from capitalization and end punctuation? If there wasn't, I think both might make the piece more fluid. I tripped over some sections because the lines ran together. A bit of punctuation might help.

    Besides that small nitpick, I really liked this piece. It was concise, eloquent, and well-written.

    Thank you for sharing.

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the older english style of poetry you have here. You capture the concept fabulously. "Tinder before your presence" I liked that. Great imagery throughout.

    Candale-Switch
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Candale-Switch | [ Reply to This ]
      It harks back to the Classic times, the better times. You have captured passion well!
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by deafeningsilenc | [ Reply to This ]


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