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death


Author: biffy2006
ASL Info:    18/f/N.I
Elite Ratio:    1.64 - 25 /16 /9
Words: 130
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 876
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 755



Description:




death



Death is a thing that puzzles me much
Maybe its not a bad thing as such
Depends on your view and your take of life
Maybe its good if you face too much strife

On the otherhand death in the prime of your life
Before you have kids, a husband or wife
Is the worse thing that you could face
But then you could go to a far better place

That brings around my next point of view
Religion affects what happens too you
Is heaven the place you think you are going
Purgatory, hell or are you unknowing

There's a light waiting thats what I believe
So when it comes my time to leave
I'll be in that light so please do not grieve




Submitted on 2006-06-05 19:04:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  At ground level you have some pretty decent rhymes but some of them seemed a bit forced and there are a few grammar errors in here as well. I'm going to copy this and fiddle with it aa little and see where it goes.

Death is a thing that puzzles me much
Maybe its not a bad thing as such
Depends on your view and your take of life
Maybe its good if you face too much strife

On the otherhand death [in the] prime of your life
Before you have kids[,] a husband or wife
Is the worse thing that you could face
But then you could go to a far better place

That brings around my next point of view
Religion affects what happens [too]
Is heaven the place you think you are going
Purgatory, hell or are you [unknowing]

Theresa light waiting thats what [I] believe
So when it comes my time to leave
[I'll] be in that light so please do not grieve

Those are the things that need corrects that I found. Other then that like I said before the rhymes could be better.

Death is indeed a touchy subject and one of the big unknowns of life but I don't think its death that we really fear but rather the thought that we do not know what happens to us when we die, I think thats what we really fear. At any course I enjoyed the write and theme.

Keep at it
and be happy

Later
Jason
| Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  I will repeat the previous comment that some of your rhymes seem forced and there are grammar errors as well as at least one typo. I would suggest that you try saying the same thing in the words you would use in conversation. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. Most contemporary poetry doesn't.
| Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Marge | [ Reply to This ]


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