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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Si Volto Mi Voltaidots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 744
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 937



    Description:
       writen about the time when my ex-girlfriend and i were walking through a garbage dump in Reynosa mexico, on a mission trip.
    that night something magical happened. however, all things must come to an end, i guess?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSi Volto Mi Voltaidots
    -------------------------------------------


    the moon
    stood still that evening,
    the evening that we walked
    heart in hand through the filth;
    the stench of rotting flesh
    and burnt debris
    was as nauseating
    as it was asphyxiating

    love graced our proximity
    like a fragrant rose
    and we were lost in each other,
    unconscious of all that was around us;
    even time herself
    seemed to stop,
    not daring to disturb or corrupt
    the moon cascading across your face

    you were beautiful,
    so very beautiful in that moment:
    the embodiment of loveliness
    and i loved you alas,
    "il profumo delle rose
    dura solo una stagione"

    the scent of roses
    only lasts a season
    "Si Volto Mi Voltai"

    she walked away, i walked away











    Submitted on 2006-06-05 23:48:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah, I'm also a fan of a line break here and there - not always - but most times it can be used for effect well.

    Once again you start and end very well. "Through the filth" was rather shocking, it certainly woke me up from any reverie that I had been in, so therefore, fits in well with the theme of your poem.

    I agree with Alia, the contrasts you use work well to describe the contrasts of being in love/over love (and do we ever get over it?)

    I don't know if you had a motive for suddenly bringing commas into play way down the line count? I usually think that you either have all or no punctuation. A very small point, it sure doesn't detract from the piece.
    Same thing with the Spanish lines, maybe transposing the last line to second-last would be better? Who knows? Most of the suggestions you'll get here are purely meant as motivational, something to think about, maybe try if you agree. It's your poem always, and nobody here minds what you do with their comments.

    Very good indeed, I'm a fan of love poems

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      the moon stood still that evening,
    the evening that we walked
    heart in hand through the filth;
    the stench of rotting flesh and burnt debris
    as nauseating as it was asphyxiating

    love graced our proximity like a fragrant rose
    and we were lost in each other
    unconcious of all that was around us
    even time herself seemed to stop
    not daring to disturb or corrupt
    the moon cascading across your face

    you were beautiful,
    so very beautiful in that moment
    the enbodiment of loveliness
    and i loved you alas,
    "il profumo delle rose
    dura solo una stagione"
    the scent of roses
    lasts only a season
    "Si Volto Mi Voltai"
    she walked away, i walked away

    Beautifully written, my friend; gently direct, soft and sad. I've done a little work with formatting, lineation and punctuation (although I believe as time progresses you may need to choose line breaks and and italics for emphasis rather than periods and semicolons).

    Powerful choice of subject matter, btw; love washes the world away only to replace the odor with its own brand of decay.

    Nicely done.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-06-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      nice work here. you do a great job of putting the reader there with you. i loved the moon cascading across your face.' what a wonderful line. a couple of nits - you might think about changing the last line to something like 'we left.' even if you don't change it you might set it off by itself. also you misspelled 'embodiment.' anyway, good poem!

    Peace,

    joe
    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Love has its moments, and they seem to occur when least expected. Love also can be a transient thing, fickle and uncaring. It can leave you in the dumps as well as find you there. Here's my two cents on the linebreaks and such:

    S1 - L2 Do not repeat "the evening that." This line should be "we walked heart in hand."
    L3 - Just "through the filth."
    L4 - Move "and burnt debris" to the next line. Drop "was."
    L6 - same as the old L5

    S2 - L4 Strenghten it! "time herself came to a stop"

    S3 - L2 Do not repeat "so very beautiful" This line should be just "in that moment."
    L3 - "embodiment."
    L4 - Add "but" before "alas."
    L10 - Shouldn't it be "you walked away" not "she."

    I think this is a beautiful expression of love. Its power is shown in the circumstances it overcomes to bring the sensation and the scent to two in dire conditions.

    "the moon cascading across your face" - worth the price of admission. Love it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      
    the moon
    stood still that evening,
    the evening that we walked
    heart in hand through the filth;
    the stench of rotting flesh
    and burnt debris
    was as nauseating
    as it was asphyxiating

    love graced our proximity
    like a fragrant rose
    and we were lost in each other,
    unconscious of all that was around us;
    even time herself
    seemed to stop,
    not daring to disturb or corrupt
    the moon cascading across your face

    you were beautiful,
    so very beautiful in that moment:
    the embodiment of loveliness
    and i loved you alas,
    "il profumo delle rose
    dura solo una stagione"

    the scent of roses
    only lasts a season
    "Si Volto Mi Voltai"


    she walked away, i walked away


    Just a few suggestions on re-lineation and slight punctuation you can look at. In this, I ordered it into eight-line stanzas for the first two, then made the third a six-liner, and then left a three-liner in italics to separate it from the more ordered previous stanzas. With the italics, it seems to be of a past-tense reverie (which is the reasoning I give for using italics), then I put it back to normal font in the last line... to jar it back to reality, y'know? You also had a couple of typos I went through, but you'll see where.

    The line that stood out to me was:
    heart in hand through the filth
    -- usually it's "hand in hand", and to me that was a nice twist to it. Also, it was an implied graphic image which left me free to associate with in my mind in my own way.

    This speaks to me very fluidly of past love, made more romantic by the Italian you've chosen here-- one of the languages of love.

    It's a very finely-written poem... and the loss is evident-- one that seems resigned in tone, yet one that seems thankful of the memories you had of her.

    With any suggestion I have, take what works and ditch what doesn't-- only suggestions to think about, so yea.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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