Infinite by JetPilot

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Submission Name: Infinite dots

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Author:	JetPilot
ASL Info:	18/m/ont
Elite Ratio:	4.37 - 46/30/15
Words:	167

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	1071
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	999

Description:
This is for a good friend of mine who passed away this weekend. I love you Tony.

Infinite dots

-------------------------------------------

I'm sitting here with my hands on my lap,
and my gaze set between the stars,
hoping that there is a god.
it's hard to believe...
but, it's still something to look forward to.
As thousands of emotions
burn through my body,
the only movements I make are slight,
no one can see what is tearing me apart,
because no one is close
enough to hear my blood,
pulsing through my artiery's,
and into my heart.
And i wish more then anything
someone could feel
exactly what I feel,
and take some of this pain away.
So now, I am stuck in two states of mind,
one where I'm dead
and the other I'm alive,
and as the world turns
unintentionally around me,
there is nothing I can do
to slow down it's revolutions.
I hope when my death comes around,
no one is as scared as I am, for me.

Submitted on 2006-06-06 06:40:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This was a powerful write. So sorry about your friend. I almost got fully drawn into your poem which means to me that the bones are there for an excellent write and that bringing in all the sense sight sound, touch, feeling more would enhance it.

"So now, I am stuck in two states of mind,
one where I'm dead
and the other I'm alive,
and as the world turns
unintentionally around me,
there is nothing I can do
to slow down it's revolutions.
I hope when my death comes around,
no one is as scared as I am, for me."

This was especially powerful I thought.
Kate
xxx
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
  I have had several friends pass away, and let me tell you, it always does feel that way. The way you wrote this showed true feeling, and good emotion. Tony would be happy. Keep on, friend. If nothing else... we're here for you.
Wishing for more
~Brian
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
  Man, a great start and a powerful ending made this an excellent anthem to your friend, I bet he'll be proud to look down and read it.

Well done, excellent work

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  When one of these writes come along it is always hard to comment or make any suggestions on it. So, I will not make any because it is what it is.

Your descriptions of how you feel are very good and not wanting to sound repetative very powerful.
When writing about the death of someone close it is hard to say what you really want to say. I think you put these words together with deep emotion and it transfered to the reader.
I can picture you sitting and contimplating the emotions that are running high in you.
The ending was the kicker and I must say it was the most eye opening part of the write.

I myself do not worry about death itself but I worry about those I leave behind and what I know I will be missing.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

Like I said it is always hard to comment on these type of writes so I will leave with just one little thing.

It hurts always but when you release bits and peices in a write like you have in this poem then it hurts just a little less.

I would not dare to find anything wrong with this write but that is me and others might.

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry to hear about your friend, it sucks when these kinds of things happen. The write greatly shows your emotions towards him. Really nice flow, word choice could be a little better but all in all it's a good write. Keep it up!

- Kyle
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.