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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Passengerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 1520
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1302



    Description:
       I decided not to let this one rhyme, and at first glance it may not appear to flow but if you could give me your comments on the good and the bad that would be great.

    Thanks in advance,
    ~James


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPassengerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Staring through the looking glass,
    A future stares back at you
    Wanting you to listen,
    Wanting you to stay

    Nobody's perfect but you run away
    Cannot face your life and destiny,
    You turn away with your head in your hands
    Cannot hide your tears and sadness

    You spent your lifetime
    Escaping through the back door,
    You could never pull your head up
    And find another way,
    Now you're stuck in the backseat of time,
    You're a passanger of life
    And you don't feel a thing

    Your body moved faster than your mind
    And your feet moved faster than mine,
    But you didn't care to listen
    And you didn't want to stay

    Everyone's waiting but you run away
    Cannot face the ones who love you,
    There's too much regret on your shoulders
    Cannot hide your pain and scars anymore

    You spent your lifetime
    Escaping through the back door,
    You could never pull your head up
    And find another way,
    Now you're stuck in the backseat of time,
    You're a passanger of life
    And you don't feel a thing...

    You don't feel a thing...




    Submitted on 2006-06-06 13:04:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think that this poem flows well. Also, I personally think poetry that doesn't rhyme often has the potential to be better than poetry that does rhyme.

    All in all, I enjoyed this piece, and I don't have any real suggestions.

    -Ethan
    | Posted on 2007-12-16 00:00:00 | by Inkybro | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm well i'm not sure why i havent commented on this yet, i think its even in my favs. lol well here goes, better late than never:

    this is such a wonderful concept, to be a passenger of life, not really living but just along for the ride. there are so many lines in this that i can bring back to something in my life. and i have no idea what this means to you but i think i'll let you know what it means to me, or what i think about it.

    first off, the idea that a mirror can look back at you is hauntingly beautiful. just think of the stories it would be able to tell about you. i know my mirror has seen many things that no one knows about, many nights and many days of only me. and to think that maybe it could tell the future. or persuade you maybe to change, from its knowledge of your past? hmm well whatever your intentions from that line it certainly got me thinking.

    "Nobody's perfect but you run away" this is like the story of my life. i know that nobody's perfect but i still run away from certain situations because of my insecurities, just because nobody is perfect doesnt mean that people dont expect you to be. this line really kills me, the entire stanza is just heartbreaking. i hope you dont ever feel that way.

    and the next stanza is just the after effect of always hiding and running away. life sits you in the back seat, the last row, to pick at everyone else's leftovers. if theres one thing i've learned from my running away its that you cant let your insecurities keep you from getting what you want out of life. and thats something i live by now, and its changed alot of how i look at things. its weird that just a few lines of something can bring back all these memories. damn you and your talent!

    the second to last stanza really hit home too. it reminded me of a really difficult time where i spent so much time hiding things from my friends and my family, i said so many lies, just so they wouldn't know how i was feeling. and it sounds awful but i didn't want a response from them, i didn't want their pity, or their pep talks, and i didn't want them to think differently of me. i just wanted to be back to my normal self, to have a place in their lives, like they did in mine. but it never seemed that way. "You could never pull your head up And find another way," this is just so sad, like you're ready to give up because nothing has ever worked. truly heartbreaking! but then in the next couple of lines its like you are just sick of telling lies and hiding and you just need to talk to someone, to let them know what is really going on. and i'll tell you, i had a revelation when i finally broke down crying (it happened to be in the middle of class) but later i got talking to my teacher and i just felt so much better.

    but this doesnt end well, you never break down, you never let it all out. you just let life keep you there, tied down and unhappy. and without any feelings. the repetition of you don't feel a thing was brilliant. when i first read it i was like wow that really sucks, but then you just start nailing into my brain, and it just makes this entire thing stick in my mind.

    wonderful job (as if you needed to hear that)

    take care,
    -steph
    | Posted on 2007-08-09 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't know much about poetry, but i really liked that.
    i particularly liked this:
    "Your body moved faster than your mind
    And your feet moved faster than mine,"
    the image of being stuck in the backseat of time and being a passenger of life made me feel slightly anxious/sad...well... not sure if that was what you were going for and if i got the wrong idea, sorry
    - kate :)
    | Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by cheshirekate | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt that you made your point early on in this piece and then it seemed to drone on. You could trim it back a bit and make it much more powerful.
    | Posted on 2007-06-29 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked it a lot, but some parts just didn't seem to fit in. I think it's cause I don't have the actual melody, but I just can't get it to fit. I really like the chorus a bit more than the verses. It seems like you have more detail in it than you do in the verses. But I really liked it and it was very good (like your lyrics usually are) and i enjoyed reading it.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, it's been a while. I'm glad your still writing and it looks as though your even more popular in this site. I'm glad. I can't believe your only 18 though. These words, your poems, are amazing. My favorite stanza, the one that stood out the most to me is your fourth one. Why do you only partially punctuate your stanzas? I think that's the only thing I can see that's a bit off in this poem. Everything else is... great.

    Aken Sol
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]
      Sad...because its quite true if a person has ever known persons like this. Runners, those the have problems facing realities of life.

    Your body moved faster than your mind

    I liked that line. In the third line of the third stanza, I think there is a typo...it should be your instead of just you.

    Nice write...thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      hey there lets start off our long distance with a typo, shall we?

    You're a passanger of life
    And you don't feel a thing

    passenger very small typo.

    "Your body moved faster than your mind
    And your feet moved faster than mine,"

    brilliant lines. i fell in love with those two.

    You know I really like this. Lately I've been challenging a lot of poems (especially my own) trying to find a great meaning in every stanza and yours past the test with an A+. Entirely on subject, excellent word choice. I loved it and could easily see this as a song. Reminds me of nickelback some.

    Great job, as always my friend.

    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. maybe it's because i haven't read any of your writes for a long long long time, but this one has this different feel to it. i remember you used to compliment me on being able to write something about any random thing. well congratulations. you just did it yourself. i like the idea of a passenger, running away from life. i don't know whether this is from personal experience, but i really liked the metaphors you made. personally this flowed very well without any rhymes.

    backseat of time.... that was sooo classic. i liked the repetition: "you don't feel a thing".

    on my favs list.
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. maybe it's because i haven't read any of your writes for a long long long time, but this one has this different feel to it. i remember you used to compliment me on being able to write something about any random thing. well congratulations. you just did it yourself. i like the idea of a passenger, running away from life. i don't know whether this is from personal experience, but i really liked the metaphors you made. personally this flowed very well without any rhymes.

    backseat of time.... that was sooo classic. i liked the repetition: "you don't feel a thing".

    on my favs list.
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. maybe it's because i haven't read any of your writes for a long long long time, but this one has this different feel to it. i remember you used to compliment me on being able to write something about any random thing. well congratulations. you just did it yourself. i like the idea of a passenger, running away from life. i don't know whether this is from personal experience, but i really liked the metaphors you made. personally this flowed very well without any rhymes.

    backseat of time.... that was sooo classic. i liked the repetition: "you don't feel a thing".

    on my favs list.
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmm this was different but it did have a good flow. In the beginning it was a bit shaky with the flow but it got better in the middle through the end. So as far as flow goes I'd say just fix the beginning if you want. I don't see anything wrong with that line that Hyproglo thinks is wrong just to let you know. I personally like that line for some reason. Now that I keep reading through this there is a tad bit of rhyming which is good especially for songs you kind of just have to find it. Hmmm I think that is all that I can pick out for now. So as always nicely done!!! .


    Bren
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say i really liked how you described this person's actions and feelings so well. I pictured it almost as if it was a story. My only concern was how you expressed him with sadness and hurt and yet he feels nothing? He has to feel something in order to have the need to run away. Or maybe he gradually becomes numb? I took it as he didn't feel anything ever... which is hard to prove.

    Just some thoughts
    Jan : )
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]


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