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o what a dream


Author: biffy2006
ASL Info:    18/f/N.I
Elite Ratio:    1.64 - 25 /16 /9
Words: 67
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 972
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 483



Description:




o what a dream



To run
To escape
To be free
O what a dream

Leave reality
Leave constraints
Leave the world behind
O what a dream

No exceptions
No limitations
No responsibilty
O what a dream

No rules
No dictation
More appreciation
o whata dream

Can we really feel like this?
What would it take?
Would you do it?
Do dreams come true?




Submitted on 2006-06-06 17:28:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  The idea is a good one, and the passing along of it is great until the very end where it just kinda breaks the scheme of things. It's got rythm though, at least the first part, and it feels more like a song then a poem. I like how you wrote it though. It seems to be a twist on the little rhyms that we all learned when we were wee little people (aka: younger). Good, though the last line might need to be changed into a stanza. Over all...I give an A-.

Cheers,
~Persephone~
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Persephone | [ Reply to This ]
  I get and like the idea of this write Elizabeth but this seems to lack flow. The write just seems like words on a screen and doesn't have any real humph, not to sound harsh or anything like that but you could improve on this if you atke you hand at it again and when you do that maybe you could also consider lengthening the write for it seemed a little vague in that respect as well.

Sorry if I sounded harsh but its best to be honest rather than complimentary.

Keep at it and
let me know if you ever decide to revise this I'd like to take another look at it.

Take care
Later
Jason
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  Overall good write. I think it was a tad short, and more could be said on the subject, but maybe that's just a personal preferance.
I did like the use of the question at the end to compliment the "o what a dream" line that you had repeated. It made me think about everything you had said previously in the poem.

In conclusion; good write but maybe it could do with some expanding.

Keep writing.
Take care,
Nicola.
| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by SilverScent | [ Reply to This ]
  Short and to the point. It dosent have that great of flow and it dosent really seem poetic. but for some reason i liked it. I just think you culd've done better. nice try:)
| Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by Mr. Creep | [ Reply to This ]


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