half moons by ghostknight

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Submission Name: half moons dots

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Author:	ghostknight
ASL Info:	21, M
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 171/252/62
Words:	92

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	253
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	643

Description:
no clue.

half moons dots

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-then we wake up
aching bones returned
unfulfilled

intelligence falters for one last hint
of honeysuckle as
tears open doors and we are
led to crumbling gates of days
on ventilators,
rustproof but
unplugged

-when we wake up,
clouds will be clouds
rain will be rain

time will define the marked
assurance of saints and
stillborns, though
ink will dry on paper that
in the end only feels like a liar;
and words will surrender to
fates of men atop

mountains of molehills

Submitted on 2006-06-06 20:24:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I noticed how most of your lines ended on 'weak-stress' words... so I'll offer a suggestion in terms of relineation to make it really apparent that this was your intention.

I'll post yours and my revision so that others can compare and shoot me down if it doesn't agree with them and they like yours more lol:

-then we wake up
aching bones returned
unfulfilled
intelligence falters for one last
hint of honeysuckle as
tears open doors and we are
led to crumbling gates of days
on ventilators,
rustproof but unplugged

-when we wake up,
clouds will be clouds
rain will be rain
time will define the marked assurance
of saints and stillborns, though
ink will dry on paper that
in the end only feels like a liar;
and words will surrender to fates
of men atop mountains of molehills

--to--

--then we wake up
aching bones returned
unfulfilled

intelligence falters for one last
hint of honeysuckle as
tears open doors and we are
led to crumbling gates of
days on ventilators,
rustproof but
unplugged

--when we wake up,
clouds will be clouds
rain will be rain

time will define the marked
assurance of saints and
stillborns, though
ink will dry on paper that
in the end only feels like a liar;
and words will surrender to
fates of men atop

mountains of molehills

Whaddya reckon? I think something in between these two would work the best, but hey, up to you.

I really think the last line should be by itself-- it's more of a definite end-statement, y'know?

To me, this piece signifies a catatonic state-- where one was in a coma, only to wake up and question the world that he/she is in... and to find it... lacking somewhat. When you wrote "ventilators" I automatically thought of one of those breathing machines they hook you up on-- a defibrillator or something like that--- I forgot what the hell they're called.

But anyways... this speaks strongly of disillusionment-- almost like you've seen through all of the illusions... and hate the reality of the world.

Much like I do at times, truth be told.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  when we wake up the sound of creation is just waiting for us to find our way back into our bodies, only when the half moon is gone can we greet the day..

Even when the world is looking us straight in the mind we forget
to say never mind, I don't want any because I am creating,

that is what I do.

so I hope our moons cross someday, ghost guy, what did I call you
Ben san? the Egyptians considered the heart as the seat of intellect and would not say or write a thought unless it originated there..

moon me baby,

Nan
| Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow Matt, you know i got a teenage girlfriend who keeps me up all night, so i know that i'm not making any sense, but i wanted to weigh in on this one with a single thought.

What i've always liked about your poems is that they contain such vivid observations. I don't think that this is something you can work at...or mimic....or just make up. It comes from your gut.

The reason that your observations are so dire...of such consequence and importance...is that they are merely the mirror image of your magnificently brilliant, yet brooding mind.

What's different about this write is that your imagery has become even more accute....while your concepts have become even more deeply insightful...more abstracted....bigger.

Its exciting to watch your art evolve.

(now, poop your pants)

kc

| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
  As readers shall have different interpertations of any single write, so shall I. Forgive me if I have strayed far from what actaul meaning it may hold, but in all honesty it is rather complex and far different from any I've come across thus far. So enough with thoughtless chats:

"-then we wake up
aching bones returned
unfulfilled"

What I like about the beginning is that it stresses the title, "half moon"-- the sentence starts as a fragment, incomplete in every way. And as everything is only half of what it should be, hence HALF MOON. Then as I refer back to the title continously, i have an image as the moon only being a part of something far greater-- the sun. Shadowed lights the moon brings, hiding the sun for awhile. In my mind, the sun brings clearity while the moon only shades what we cannot fully comprehend.
Now back to the first part-- aching bones . . . unfulfilled. Within a night's sleep there is that lasting desire and hope that yesterday's sores will be cleansed during night, and it has not-- onlly a part of concept that is misunderstood--- at least the tone and voice of this poem seems to seep a sense of confusion; an incomprehensible feeling (for me).

"intelligence falters for one last hint
of honeysuckle as
tears open doors and we are
led to crumbling gates of days
on ventilators,
rustproof but
unplugged

-when we wake up,
clouds will be clouds
rain will be rain"

Intelligence falters during the night, perhaps nothing can be understood in the dark- and as day approaches we are still lost within our thoughts, wondering what happened-- why everything seems turned upside-down.
I like the use of "ventilators", "unplugged" and "crumbling gates of days." Walking into light of life on a support system, not in sole control of thought and body-- definetely body.
But no matter how hard we try to understand what we can't, the day will always shine, clouds will always be clouds, as mystery will always remain mystery. (Like I said, forgive me for getting off track).

"time will define the marked
assurance of saints and
stillborns, though
ink will dry on paper that
in the end only feels like a liar;
and words will surrender to
fates of men atop"

This is perhaps my favorite part of your poem-- perhaps because it is so powerful. Only TIME can define, restrict, control what we try to label (control), hold onto. Saints and Deaths, though we read and record, it will never be fully remembered, reminded. History has a tendency to lie, no-- because it is only words on paper-- written in darkness. Words mean nothing when written to a man who can't read or cares not to read-- who has not the desire to cherish it, but rather change it. Time is the only substantial and stable idea within our universe. That's what I think about when i read your poem...

"Half Moon"-- INcomplete in all thoughts and actions.

I thought this was a great poem, no matter the meaning behind it. As artists paint obscurity, so do poets write of vagueness, readers and viewers only wish to half comprehend the meaning behind the image-- if there is any at all.

Good Job
-stacey M.-

| Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
  What struck me most about this is the powerful finish. It made me feel dreamy like Storm of Bliss said, and the last half felt more solid and powerful... as reality is when you wake up.
Then again, it took my mind off on totally different paths... I guess I should just sum it up... this is thought-provoking. Each may draw their own meaning, but any meaning drawn from such a deep well is certain to be worthy of your intentions... well written.
Jessica
p.s. that last stanza is killer.
| Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]

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