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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Influx of Desiredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 704
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1720



    Description:
       for cynthia...nough said


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInflux of Desiredots
    -------------------------------------------


    che glida manina,
    (how cold your little hand is!)
    chivalrous, i penetrate the chill
    yearning to grasp your hand
    only to lose it within my own
    alone we revel in
    the harmonious warmth
    of amore

    as a child with hot cocoa
    standing knee deep in snow
    on a solitary bench
    of compositional dreams
    depth of reverie, awesome emotion
    scattered and swirling
    windborn and entwined
    are these vibrant colored leaves
    dancing the tango

    silhouette of statuesque
    loveliness draw nigh
    firmly embracing, "scatthy whaw!"
    my little harlequin heralds, whimsically
    enthralled, enraptured and enthused;
    beholding the absolute
    elegance of you
    captivated by the lambada
    of your cosmic eyes
    spellbound by the ascendent
    notes of your laughter

    fallen tresses of ravens hair delight
    gently caressed, an influx of desire
    as the horizon kisses waves at dawn
    may i with passionate tenderness
    kiss your sublime, resplendent lips
    and feel the infusion of our souls
    the smelting of our flesh

    i am my beloved's, and you
    my ardent love, are mine
    mia bella, believe me not?
    then take now the sword
    from my thigh
    open now my bosom wide
    behold your name engraved
    immutably transcendent
    upon my beating heart
    which only knows your name
    proclaiming "come prima"
    my bride "come prima"
    "si, amor mi fa poeta"
    yes, love has made me a poet




    Submitted on 2006-06-06 22:04:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I do enjoy your style of writing. I read it a couple times and thought you did a good job. I like the setting of the poem and how you expressed your love to her throughout the poem.

    Candale-Switch
    | Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by Candale-Switch | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the emotion in this poem and its strength. It is very powerful but I think you may have gone a bit overboard on word choice. Seems like a lot of thesaurus words. Good overall, though. ~jennah
    | Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by jennah | [ Reply to This ]
      che glida manina,
    (how cold your little hand is!)
    chivalrous, i penetrate the chill
    yearning to grasp your hand
    only to lose it within my own
    alone we revel in
    the harmonious warmth
    of amore

    as a child with hot cocoa
    standing knee deep in snow
    on a solitary bench
    of compositional dreams
    this depth of reverie compelled emotion
    scattered and swirling
    windborn and entwined
    are these vibrant colored leaves
    dancing the tango

    statuesque silhouettes
    of loveliness draw nigh
    firmly embracing, "scatthy whaw!"
    my little harlequin heralds, whimsically
    enthralled, enraptured and enthused;
    beholding the absolute
    elegance of you
    captivated by the lambada
    of your cosmic eyes
    spellbound by the ascendent
    notes of your laughter

    fallen tresses of ravens hair delight
    gently caressed, an influx of desire
    as the horizon kisses waves at dawn
    may i with passionate tenderness
    kiss your sublime, resplendent lips
    and feel the infusion of our souls
    the smelting of our flesh

    i am my beloved's, and you
    my ardent love, are mine
    mia bella, believe me not?
    then take now the sword
    from my thigh
    open now my bosom wide
    behold your name engraved
    immutably transcendent
    upon my beating heart
    which only knows your name
    proclaiming "come prima"
    my bride "come prima"
    "si, amor mi fa poeta"
    yes, love has made me a poet


    The challenge in editing another poet's post is making it better without making it different. I hope the suggestions for a possible revision I've left in my critique will help you compose your writing a little more tightly in the future.

    In general, this is a beautifully written work that reveals a passionate talent wrestling with a conscience taught to mistrust such impulses as somehow impure. At least that's what I gather from the background of the writer.

    Take care of yourself.
    I'll try to read your other posts soon.
    Bill.

    | Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Rev. JP,

    You do have a flair for "olde-style" poetry. I really enjoyed the incorporation of the Italian into the piece. It made it that much more romantic. The last line was just lovely: "yes, love has made me a poet" and the italian translation behind it works so well to close the piece.

    This is one of my favorites from you. A truly beautiful piece. I'm sorry this comment wasn't more helpful but I don't really have any suggestions for changes. I like it just the way it is. :)

    Nice work,

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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