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    dots Submission Name: Twisted Bitter Trunkdots

    Author: sunset
    ASL Info:    21/F/Melb, Australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 76/46/32
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1171
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 653


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwisted Bitter Trunkdots

    Like a twisted bitter trunk
    The darkness becomes binding
    Turning to a hollow place
    Where there are no names
    What to whisper to the girl
    Huddled on the concrete
    Nameless sullen face
    Engraved upon the street
    Eyes are colourless
    Shallow depth unknown
    Dried up tears of sorrow
    No recollection of a home
    Dirty feet and hands
    Too cramped to lay outstretched
    Crumpled inside the word
    ‘Hate’ inside is etched
    Crawling into the shadow
    Of an old homeless drunk
    She becomes part of the darkness
    Like a twisted bitter trunk

    Submitted on 2006-06-07 01:28:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      wow. I agree entirely.
    I found myself pausing after every third line and leaving a hang before the last.

    this is a very powerful piece and such a wonderful subject.

    Was the line "what to whisper..." a question? I read it asd such but withe lack of a question mark made me unsure

    But the line "bitter twisted trunk"
    really portrayed the scene in my head and the way you br9ought it bnack at the end set it completely in my mind..

    another great piece!

    see you soon..
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done, there are some really good parts in this.

    The repeat of the first line at the end is effective, as are your concise, harsh descriptions of the cold world of this street kid.

    I did find myself rushing through it though, so it may benefit from one or two line breaks, simply to slow the reader down. Try it in msword, and experiment a bit.

    Very well done, I liked it a lot

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-06-14 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]

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