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    dots Submission Name: Translucencedots

    Author: Lelik
    ASL Info:    40/M/Jhb - South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.31 - 1194/986/192
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1546
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 643

       To a friend I hardly know at all

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    It was the night the sevenses
    came out to play.
    Your scent, heavy on the senses,
    was there of course;
    in the bustle of aftershaven,
    fresh-showered sweat.
    Head held askance in raven
    black, each hair perfect,
    as you contemplated the camp
    remarks of companions
    passed to and fro in the damp
    night air for effect
    Like a verbal tennis match
    gaily contested by
    a friendly crowd of catch-
    if-catch-can young men.
    All so excited without reason,
    in excessively bright
    garb befitting the season
    before the cold set in.

    Submitted on 2006-06-07 05:48:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I just finished reading Disgraced by JM Coetzee and there was a point wherein the main character said something about Poetry touching you at the first meeting or not at all. At first, I disagreed with him. But then I thought about it and realized that a appreciating something is actually different from liking something.

    I read this piece without concentrating too much. It felt as if you were actually whispering the words to my ears and I'm thinking of something else... then you said something "heart-shaking" and all I could do was look at you and realize that I actually heard most of the things that you said... and now I'm playing them all back while I say something stupid and you'll end up realizing that I wasn't listening and you'll say something like "OK..." or "Sure, whatever," or "Never mind."

    What I love about this piece is how comfortably executed it appears (or maybe that's just because of the way that I see you.)

    To me, this piece is an beautifully unavoidable tragedy that could easily clutch the heart of people who accept the reality of life and the while occassionally questioning it in their weak moments.

    This is the kind of piece that some people might dub as somewhat souless. But the truth is, it presents a soul the way souls are truly presented. Silent and untouchable.

    I'm sorry for the rant. But please... stay with me 'cause I'm almost done.







    Thank you for writing this piece. It may not be for me... but still I...

    I'm done.
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Why is this thing all screwed up?
    Anyways- I liked this. I liked the sensory imagery of the delicate, perfectly placed scents and people, idly chatting- the poetic liscense with camp and damp, the idle excitement and young-Gatsby pretension.

    But mostly I love the way it's about the translucence of certain people and how the main event is barely given mention- you're concentrating on one moment and all the things it implies- and the coming cold you imply with that last light sentence gives cause to think that this airiness will come to the same end- the frost gathering on the windows, if you will.
    | Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot (I'll keep my comments short). My only complaint is I'd like more here - this seems to want for more. Excellent work here though.


    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Lol I like the last comment more then the rest.
    Not into bright colored pants arrayed with a fixation of eyes. Or actually most of that write hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    well I do believe that says it showers also and a gaily tennis verbal match I am not even ok done
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]

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