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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: CHANGESdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mimi
    ASL Info:    30/f/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597/390/111
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 782



    Description:
       I took a line from the remains, a mark strand poem and made it into my own


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCHANGESdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I change and I am the same.
    my acne marks have been replaced
    with age spots
    and my frown lines, my laugh lines
    my youthful graces
    have all changed
    and been displaced
    by things I don't care to name.
    I change and I am the same.
    Shadows still make me
    think of monsters
    and I cry when i'm upset.
    I am still
    the little girl
    in the pictures
    of my family albums.
    I change and I am the same.
    Still waiting to find
    my prince, my romeo,
    my man in shinning armor.
    While I am happily single
    and divorced two time before.
    An independent woman
    of these times.
    I change and I am the same.






    Submitted on 2006-06-07 19:12:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Reminds me that even though I get older and my body changes, I still feel like a child and probably would be if I could. I don't think "name" should be on a line by itself. That seems to interrupt the flow. Also you should fix the mispelling on displaced. These are minor things, I really like the poem. Thanks for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2006-06-08 00:00:00 | by feather | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is a great piece you've got here! It has a simple and honest feel to it, and it doesn't seem forced, overdramatic, or preachy like a lot of poems about changes do. I especially love the middle of the poem, when you talk about your fear of shadows and crying, the lines have an understated power to them. My only suggestions are to work with your line breaks a little bit, they feel a bit awkward at times, and to maybe work with the line 'kind of lost'; I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem to work in the flow of the piece for me. That said, awesome job!
    | Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by lesser_threat | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this very much. I also liked the way you told the reader how you have changed, but emotionally stay the same in some aspects. I like Drowning Queen's idea as well. Only because it adds more of a obscure touch of whom is speaking and makes it less typical like other poems that are personal. Both ideas are good really. I would also suggest that you maybe add a little more imagery to this piece. Describe items like the photo album, or the age spots. I'm glad you PM'ed me about this poem. Please contiune to keep me updated on your work. Overall, great work!

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Mimi,

    I'm sorry this is so late. I read the piece when you first PMed me but haven't had the time to formulate a response until now.

    This is a very straight-forward, tell-it-like-it-is, piece. Which is fine, if that's what you meant it to be. I just think you could do a lot more with it.

    First, take out the first person. Now, I don't have the problem with first person writes that a lot of poets do, but I just don't think it works the best here. The fact that you alone are writing it lets us know it's talking about you.

    After that, the wording was a bit too simple, a little overused. I'm not trying to bash you or anything, just letting you know what I got from it.

    If you were to redo the piece without first person and with some slight changes in word selection/order I think it would make it a little more original and expressive.

    Here's how I would do it:

    There is change, yet similarity
    Marks of blemished youth
    Replaced with spots on aging skin
    Frown lines, laugh lines
    Youthful graces
    All changed, replaced
    By things that will remain unnamed
    There is change and similarity
    Shadows still haunt like
    Monsters lurking beneath the bed
    Tears still splash down cheeks
    Family albums show a girl,
    Small and scared and alone
    There is change and similarity
    Divorced twice, happily single,
    Romeos and knightly men
    Still slip from a grip
    Too desperate to hold them
    There is change, yet always similarity

    I don't know if you even were looking for a change or just wanted me to read it, but here you go. You're welcome to use whatever you like or scrap it all and keep what you have.

    Overall, there were a few things I thought you could play around with, but this wasn't a bad piece.

    Thank you for sharing,

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]


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