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Beautiful sorrows trickle away-edit

Author: bmc
Elite Ratio:    1.97 - 33 /13 /7
Words: 208
Class/Type: Deep Thought /
Total Views: 1086
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1343


Please give feed back because I'm not quite happy with it.

Beautiful sorrows trickle away-edit

feathery and white
fill the azure skies.
Birds chirping, Bumble bees buzzing,
the stirring sounds of the day
whirring past
pervade your ears.

You look up at the sky and can
Feel the blazing flames of the sun
Mauling your eyes. Sweat begins to
Pour down your forehead as if a river was
Flowing off your face.

Suddenly the feathery whiteness becomes
A heap of blackness. The burning sensation
Of the sun fades away.

Your body grows cold. In seconds water
Pounds down from the sky. A sharp
Pain hits your skin with each water
Droplet that falls upon you.

A rumble in the sky makes your
Body tense up. You indulge yourself
in the battering sky above. You lay
Motionless in the damp grass. It’s as
If you are the clouds, and your
Contentment is the precipitation.
And every ounce of water that descends
Is your joy diminishing away.

Every sorrow which you have occupies
Your thoughts. Your eyes start to
Water in harmony with the rain running
Off your face. Gradually all of your happiness
Begins to trickle away with each rain drop
Till nothing is left.

Submitted on 2006-06-07 23:06:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  First off, this write is fine the way it is. I like the imagry you used, the flow left something to be desired. All in all it is a good write, so know, everything I say from here on out is me being the overly critical [censored] I am.

Here we go.

"Clouds of feathery whiteness
Fill a baby blue sky. The sound
Of birds chirping and bumble bees
Whizzing past you fill your ears."

Immediately I notced the use of "of".
I tend to try to not use this word whenever possible. If you Don't mind my being arrogant, i'd like to suggest a change:

-- Clouds,
feathery and white
fill the azure skies.
Birds chriping, Bumble bees buzzing,
the sounds of the day
Whirring past
filling your ears. --

In my humble opinion, poems flow better
if written like this, in a style similar. But of course, that is just my preference.
All in all a good write.
Practice, practice, practice.

Much love,

| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
  thumbs up , I like it because it's very vivid. I'd have to dissagree with the previous coment: I think it flows well.

good job

| Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Alexandra | [ Reply to This ]

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