Description: Hmm all this talk about the new Omen movie and all the bullshit surrounding it made me dredge out another old song
Very explanitary I know, but what the fuck, it's metal!!!
SOME SHIT ‘BOUT DEAD KIDS -------------------------------------------
Abominations of the children calling
Clawing fingers entering through the mind
Stare in the mirror see the tears are forming
The twisted hands that take your heart
Drag it out through the night
Conscious is falling, into darkness
Flames leap around you
Devouring flesh from bone
Sightless eyes stare, into blackness
Screaming out from the fissure
Children of the night condemned. Living in total darkness
The sight of the light would burn their minds away
Clawing through clay and earth. Hunting flesh to sustain them
Calling through dreams, through visions claim their prey
Visions. You have no place in my mind
Call your master into day
Buried beneath the earth, the thousand year old child
Come to me within your body
Flesh and bones for so long buried
This time you lost the hunt, turn your face to the light
You know you cannot win with me I’m only mind I have no body
Maybe you can tell my voice. Maybe you remember well
Before the dark came tumbling down. Well, Do you know who pushed you in?
Who packed the earth deprived your sight, who made your world an endless night?
A thousand years, you’re but a boy and yet you play your tricks on me
The deity who holds your life, who planted children left and right
I own you now you’re one of mine
Come to the surface don’t sit there crying
Forget your loss, I made you strong
If not for me you would be gone
So rise my boy its time to start. Its time to tear this world apart
You have a real talent with words. This was horrific to me. I don't like too much dark world, creatures of the night stuff. Then you bring in children, as a mother...goosebumps and nightmares.
But you have excellent flow and tone. Your structure was beautiful. This may just be your element to work in. When I would a teenager I drew stuff like this in charcoal md ink and it just worked for me. Now I shutter at some of the things I use to do.
hmmmmmm I'm not one for metal but this sounded so awesome just me reading it aloud I loved the ryhming and the gruesomeness of it. I loved this line: "A thousand years, you’re but a boy and yet you play your tricks on me" I don't really know why I just enjoyed it and the last line hit the whole thing home, I don't really agree with the other comment I don't think it was over punctuated or under punctuated I didn't really notice when I read it aloud so that makes me think it read really well. ~Sunset
Ooooh...I like it. It's a bit dark for my taste, but I enjoyed the descriptive word choice and the darkness of the combinations. Horror movies with kids have always scared me, so I find this particularly chilling. I also like how you made the reader feel like the dead child, and feel like you were in control of their "lives." Overall, very creepy but incredibly descriptive and well-written. My only suggestion is about the punctuation. Personally, I don't like to use punctuation in poetry because I believe it interrupts the flow if not used properly. It seems that about halfway through the piece you decided to use periods and commas, but forgot to put them into the beginning. I think you may want to consider nixing the punctuation all together, but if you like it maybe make it more even. Very good, I look foreward to more of your work.