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    dots Submission Name: My Kin, My Sindots

    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 250
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1924

       most of you know that I have two boys well not anymore...officially i was erased and social services said so.....my god what has happened

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Kin, My Sindots

    My Kin, My Sin

    I went from being there,
       to being scared
         and alone
           and unsure
    of pretty much everything.

    My Kin, My Next Sin

    Something I could have been happy with.
    Something I could have called my mark.

    Now the one thing I had forever,
    the one thing that trully made me better,
    is tearing me apart.

    Like I was never there
    right from the start
    Limb from limb.
    Trait by trait.
    Every xx and xy I have left.
    My worst fear of being erased
    is reality from behind the doors
    that I kept hidden from me,
    during the chase.

    I have no kids.
         I never did.
    And that is what this piece of paper says.
    And it screams worthlessness-
    From the top of my lungs-

    There was nothing I could have done.

    Life goes on without you,
    no matter my accomplishments or failures
    I could always say
    those are my boys…
    No longer can I say this.
    Now a topic I avoid.

    I’m not hung up on blame.
    I’m just hanging my head in defeat,
        and from the weight of shame
    This wasn’t a game
    that kids play.
    But I was just a kid,
    one that went astray.

    One day they will hear my side.
    Until then I am but half a man
    who is only as good as this page.


    Submitted on 2006-06-10 04:06:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was really sad..I'm sorry this happened..This just shows desperation and wanting so badly to know your children, and be there for them.

    "And it screams worthlessness-
    From the top of my lungs-"

    I liked those lines the best, well that entire stanza they were in..It just goes to show that once the paper is smashed and crumbled, it can't be perfect again..and its sad that just one piece of paper separates you from your life, your boys.

    This was a very heartfelt piece, it was honest and just...hurt? But anywho lovely piece and keep up the great work, I'll be back for more.
    Take Care

    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      dude... im really seriously and forever sorry about this... wow...
    i can feel the pain in this piece and im sure in real life it is amplified 110%...

    i have the greatest respect for men who want to be a part of raising their children when they are not with the childrens mother... i really do...
    my dad was the parent who stayed... he gave up everything for us and only lately have i realised how truely amazing that was...

    while officially you have no sons no one can take them away...
    while they may be poisoned against you somehow... told their dad doesnt give a damn one day i truely truely believe you will get the chance to tell them your side of the story... one day you will have the chance you never had...

    i dont know the circumstance and so im sure you think im just some stupid little girl who is trying to make you feel better but yeah... i truely am sorry for the crappiness of society and the cards it deals... to people who have made mistakes and cant seem to find second chances anywhere... i really am sorry...

    this is a very powerful write...
    im glad you were able to write it and try express this somehow...
    take care of you...
    dont let the man get you down...
    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      well, one thing i can say is even though someone has forced you to not be a father on paper, they can not erase you completely. no matter what a piece of paper says, no matter what anyone in this world says, you are their father. no one can go in and change someone's dna. it's the same when a child or parent dies. just because they are no longer on this earth, it doesn't mean all of a sudden you never had a child or parent. so if death can't take that away, then neither can social services, courts, or anyone else. i mean, i dont know the circumstances as to why you're going through this, but i do know from my own experiences that not all people deserve to lose their children, which you obviously display here that you never wanted to. so if you ever need to talk, just give me a hollar and i'll let ya know what my messenger name is.

    as far as the write itself...it's so emotional. it's a bit scattered here and there, but i think that works awesomely with what you're writing about. i know this is a very personal piece, and you may not want to share why you have lost your kids, but as i was reading this, i was so absorbed in this, and was expecting it to at least imply why this was happening. so in other words, when i finished, it left me wanting more.

    anyway, as i said before, give me a hollar if ya wanna talk. take care mike
    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
      I am sorry that this happened to you. I understand the feeling of wanting to know your children, being able to call them yours and them being able to call you dad.

    You really can't critique something like this, so all I can really say is that I will be praying for you. Its something that you just scream out why.. why is this happening to me. I hope you find a reason for this sorrow, or atleast something that will heal it.
    take care

    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      omg mike....i didn't know that it actually came to that. did they make you sign the papers? well, this poem is nicely written...like all the rest of your work, i love it dearly! stay encouraged and keep writing.

    ps. your journal.....love it! esp the "place head here" on the suicide one....clever, very clever!
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by Tinasha | [ Reply to This ]

    Too often we all have obstacles in life. Too often there is something lurking in the shadows that always haunts us and brings us to some kind of failure in the end.

    I don't feel that you have failed....I think that in life you have been thrown not only a curve ball....but a task that will weigh you down for some time to come. In it all, you have the same blood as them two boys. I don't know what the exact determination was factored off of for this ruling......I don't know if you are able to reverse the ruling. But I am sure that any fight would be worth it.

    You will always be the one that gave them their standing in life. You will always be the one in the back of their hearts and minds. You as the father, have a place that can never be substituted from any other direction.

    I hope that you remain to keep a grasp on them. I know that if you wait.....they will again be of light in your life.

    I wish you the best through all of your hardships.....and tribulations.....you have a heart that many don't care to look into.

    There is nothing to critique on this piece. When it comes to such deep, impacting emotion, I don't think that criticism can ever come into play. You definitely had me sitting from a sideling point of view wishing that I could throw on a uniform and help the defensive team.

    Best of luck to you.....

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, it doesn't seem proper to 'critique' these most personal of peices.

    I recently met the woman whose company could compel me to delete all the others from my phone (see journal..."jack-tramp"). We knew from the start that she was graduating college, and moving away in a month. We adopted a "no-sorrow" clause, and decided that if we never met again, then it was "love for a day".

    It was a grown up love. There was none of the needy desperation of youth, but it was 'all in' just the same.

    So i treated her like a lady...and she treated me like a gentleman. We drank wine and went to plays. We smoked pot and went to jazz night at the club down town. And when she left, i kept to my promise...'no sorrow...love for a month'.

    And now that she's gone...i don't miss her, because its as though she never left. But i miss her 7 year old daughter...wish i didn't...but i can't help it. I miss hiking along the Missouri, piggy-back rides, reading her bedtime stories....

    33 years old and sireless. Sometimes it weighs on my conscience. Sometimes i have insane dreams about impregnating women i've been with...stealing the children...and fleeing to Mexico. The first time i had a dream like that, i even started brushing up on my Spanish. Crazy...i know, but you know too.

    (i feel you brother)
    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]

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