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One


Author: concrete_rose
ASL Info:    31/f/nc
Elite Ratio:    2.59 - 43 /52 /34
Words: 191
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1238
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1316



Description:


i actually did a little a,b rhyme scheme here! instead of so much free verse and yes it is possible. please comment on this, let me know what you think!


One



This outright expression of vulnerability,
suddenly is calmed and at peace within
memories of a dark and shady hospitality
encrypted on my soul from begin,
those words that caused my being to shake
now reside tranquil at my feet
silently echoeing the cause of a heart that breaks
reflecting back upon that which caused raspy heartbeats
the thoughts which would have led indefinately into my wake;

all that which cluttered now is shattered,
the dark clouds of injustice fall lucidly,
the gracious that has risen floods the tattered,
making the soul no longer weep candidly,
for the day has come and gone,
when the atrocious played their evil tune,
basking themselves into this soul alone,
now fresh and alive as petals in june;

For love for another one flows from this,
so it has been granted another chance,
to laugh wildly accommodating this wish,
illuminating this soul again with that glance;
that mountain that once hailed so unreachable,
now stands nearer to this alert and ready,
for this union to convey thus its conceptable,
the willingness to stand as one now steady.










Submitted on 2006-06-10 16:55:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  A very well-written piece. I love the imagery, the way you describe having been hurt by love, but now trusting in the love of another, it truly is beautiful. My criticism would be of the flow, which wavers quite a lot in staza one, while the piece flows perfectly in the last stanza.

Unlike me, it seems (from your description) that you frequent more with free verse than with rhyme. I suppose measured beats comes with practice, and although I could suggest some adjustments with the first stanza especially, I prefer to lay out my points and let the writer alter to their own satisfaction.

First of all, there's "from begin" in line four, which - erm - isn't really proper English. The phrase is grammatically incorrect. Then from lines five unto nine, the rhythm is broken. Too many words in one line, too few in the next and so on. I'm not saying they should be symmetric syllable-wise, but lines seven eight and nine are far too long compared to the rest of the poem.

That said, I will leave my opinions at your hands and leave the decision of editing to you. The piece was very deep and beautifully so. Keep writing.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


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