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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Naked Reviseddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Finnigan
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 150/62/13
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1794
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 496



    Description:
       V1.0:Tell me what you think, I came up with the idea because of this living dead girl said she liked being nakey and stuff.

    Curled up in a ball,
    sitting beside the window sill,
    watching the rain fall,
    and reminding himself how strained he felt with her fibs.


    It's always the first cut that's the deepest,
    blood spilt on the ground is bound to become war between.


    These scars she left him on his body are just tragic to look,
    deception and lies are like the scars and scratches she left him.
    They are ugly, and unbearing to look at.


    Now that time has healed, the scars and scratches and bruises and bumps are gone,
    Without her, he is naked.

    V1.2: This one is better and is messed around by Janneke. Thanks for the support. I found that her style was quite intriging.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNaked Reviseddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Curled up in a ball,
    sitting beside the window sill,
    watching the rain fall,
    and reminding himself,
    how strained he felt with her fibs.

    The scars she carved,
    Like the deception and lies,
    Are all he's got left,
    Ugly and unbearable.

    Now that time has healed,
    All the scars and scratches,
    Bumps and bruises,
    Slightly faded away,

    Though without her,

    he is naked.




    Submitted on 2006-06-11 04:50:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i get into this piece

    you created a portrait, then tore it down....and we felt the pain afterward.
    she undressed him emotionally....

    this poem has depth in its brevity...

    even with time..the scars, the bruises only heal on the surface...not deep down..
    nice write..

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-11 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This was boring, lackluster and dry. Though some of the lines are sharp and hold a good feel when you read it, it has nothing to it. The depth and style is over used, cliché and unoriginal. I see nothing but the same words being used over and over. It need some more depth and length to it, I want to understand more to the story, more to the emotions, rather you just telling me the end result. This needs revised and it has a chance to be something special. Unlike the rest of the comments people have given, I am not about to place you on a pedestal or tear you down just because I like/dislike you.

    Try again.

    -Dustin
    | Posted on 2009-09-09 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      dude! this is an awesome poem. the imagery is amazing! and it's absolutely sweet. i love it! =]
    | Posted on 2009-01-14 00:00:00 | by xxtink0228xx | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate this kind of thing,if I hear anything about scars,anything on that side of depression the poem usually starts to snowball into patheticness,I know this isnt one of those poems,and I know that this mentality is a little cold/over-critical/holier/ignorrant than thou of me,but all Im saying is I was weary of reading this,

    but it was great,Im adding it to my faves,its the way a poem about loss or a break up or whatever should be donw,I can find nothing wrong with it at all

    Its like missing misery,you know your better off
    but its like now your on your own,you cant feel sorry for yourself,I can relate allright,but the quality of the poem is what I liked more than anything really,well-written with no theatrics,very very real...

    so yeah thanks

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2008-09-23 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a great peice, wonderful imagery, and a powerful message, at least through my interpretation... i see it as the man who had a strong connection, despite the everyday torrment of the relationship. and even though he rid himself of the bond, the memories, physical and mental, keep the connection going, and until he can come to peace, he will always feel wrong without her.

    nice.... ... even if i'm flat wrong :P, nice.

    peace.Guermo
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is amazing. The discription is just.... wow. How you wrote this. I'm speechless. amazing. This is going on my favorites.
    | Posted on 2007-05-20 00:00:00 | by black rose13 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so great.

    "The scars she carved, like the deception and lies, are all he's got left, ugly and unbearable."

    I loved this line because it made me really think about life and the horrible things in it. But, if you really think about it, life throws ya stuff that you think you can't handle, then you just bounce back like a spring and that's it! Now I'm sounding like I'm 50, but oh well. I really liked this poem nevertheless. Great job, and keep in touch!
    -AnGeL
    | Posted on 2007-05-11 00:00:00 | by bubble_popper15 | [ Reply to This ]
      ...what a haunting and traumatic but seemingly singularly defining past relationship.... harrowing yet catapulting the 'him' in the poem to the person he is today. Kinda sad though that he seems wanting in her absence. what a torment that must be!
    | Posted on 2007-01-21 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem..It was good, the flow was kind of off, because of the structure, I guess. I think you repeated to many words, over and over, it just got..out of flow and place, in the end only though. In the first stanza you could remove the word "and", its not really needed, and it would improve the flow there.

    "These scars she left him on his body are just tragic to look,
    deception and lies are like the scars and scratches she left him.
    They are ugly, and unbearing to look at."

    In this stanza, you pretty much said the same thing in the first two lines, just in a different way. I think it could be a little something like this:

    "she engraved memories into his body,
    these scars and wounds filled with deception and lies.
    They are pitiful, and unbearing to look at."

    I guess that is a change..dunno..Now in the last stanza, the flow was weird, you could have cut it differently to make it more powerful.

    "Now that time has healed, the scars and scratches and bruises and bumps are gone,
    Without her, he is naked."

    This could be something like:

    "The scars now healed with time,
    his body just another clean slate
    for her infliction of pain,
    without her,
    he is naked.."

    So yeah, remember these are just suggestions, you don't have to take them, i don't really mind..Anywho Lovely piece, I liked it a lot..keep up the great work!! Take Care.

    Lucy


    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Finn Finn, I like this one a lot, and am still kinda weirded out by the fact that I've never read anything of yours before lol. the only thing I can say I might change is maybe make it a little longer and the whole scars thing feels a little redundant...don't take it out maybe just play with it a bit, it wasn't horrible it just felt a little overused. I did love the end though, like at the time he felt like he hated her and the only way for him to be happy was without her because she was using him anyway, but then after she's gone he misses her--and the pain she put him through, beautifully tragic, I loved it, keep writing,
    peace and love,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok Finni, as promised, here I am.
    I remember you wrote this after the 'I am bored part' on this site, with all kind of tips about improving writing skills and stuff, and I dont know whether that had inspired you to write this, but as you might remember there was also a part that said its good to write the same poem in a few different ways. I think that that might be a good idea for you to do, because the poem itself and subject is not bad at all, but personally I think it could have been written better.
    The suggestions given by Lucy ans Sierramuse are nice ones, so you might consider those or just change it yourself [or not, ofcoarse]
    My advice is try to avoid long lines, for example in the first part,

    Curled up in a ball,
    sitting beside the window sill,
    watching the rain fall,
    and reminding himself,
    how strained he felt with her fibs.

    The two next lines that follow might also be cut a bit shorter, but I must say I like your use of words here and the assonance of ..on the ground is bound..

    The next part.. maybe...

    The scars she carved
    Like the deception and lies
    Are all he's got left
    Ugly and unbearable

    Lol, that was a mix of both the other suggestions, your version and then combined with my idea..

    The last lines.. you should avoid plural use of 'and'
    maybe just change very little, because I like how you used alliteration there,

    Now that time has healed,
    All the scars and scratches,
    Bumps and bruises,
    Slightly faded away,

    Though without her,

    he is naked

    I think italics would look nice there.
    All my suggestions might seem as though I thought your write sucked and that you'd better use the suggestions, but I just like to give you my view on how you can do it differently, and leave you the choice with what you're gonna do with it.
    And last I like to say, compliments on the title, its really sticky and a nice description of how he feels, I really like the idea behind this.

    take care, or dont,

    Janneke
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this too, very much. I might clean up the scars part--it seems you may have repeated yourself a bit, but still, it's a very good poem.

    I was thinking something like this:

    These scars she left him
    tragic to endure,
    deception and lies are all she left him.
    ugly and unbearable

    time has healed the wounds but,
    without her, he is naked.

    sort of still conveys the same message but without repetition or overdoing it. just some thoughts. it's an excellent write.
    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good
    Sometimes we as humans are so alone we only can feel the Love others feel for us
    Some people do not know how to feel love on their own and that really is quite sad
    You worded this well and the flow is perfect
    Excellent Job my Friend
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please keep in touch!!!
    | Posted on 2006-07-03 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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