Description: V1.0:Tell me what you think, I came up with the idea because of this living dead girl said she liked being nakey and stuff.
Curled up in a ball,
sitting beside the window sill,
watching the rain fall,
and reminding himself how strained he felt with her fibs.
It's always the first cut that's the deepest,
blood spilt on the ground is bound to become war between.
These scars she left him on his body are just tragic to look,
deception and lies are like the scars and scratches she left him.
They are ugly, and unbearing to look at.
Now that time has healed, the scars and scratches and bruises and bumps are gone,
Without her, he is naked.
V1.2: This one is better and is messed around by Janneke. Thanks for the support. I found that her style was quite intriging.
this is a great peice, wonderful imagery, and a powerful message, at least through my interpretation... i see it as the man who had a strong connection, despite the everyday torrment of the relationship. and even though he rid himself of the bond, the memories, physical and mental, keep the connection going, and until he can come to peace, he will always feel wrong without her.
"The scars she carved, like the deception and lies, are all he's got left, ugly and unbearable."
I loved this line because it made me really think about life and the horrible things in it. But, if you really think about it, life throws ya stuff that you think you can't handle, then you just bounce back like a spring and that's it! Now I'm sounding like I'm 50, but oh well. I really liked this poem nevertheless. Great job, and keep in touch!
-AnGeL
...what a haunting and traumatic but seemingly singularly defining past relationship.... harrowing yet catapulting the 'him' in the poem to the person he is today. Kinda sad though that he seems wanting in her absence. what a torment that must be!
I liked this poem..It was good, the flow was kind of off, because of the structure, I guess. I think you repeated to many words, over and over, it just got..out of flow and place, in the end only though. In the first stanza you could remove the word "and", its not really needed, and it would improve the flow there.
"These scars she left him on his body are just tragic to look, deception and lies are like the scars and scratches she left him. They are ugly, and unbearing to look at."
In this stanza, you pretty much said the same thing in the first two lines, just in a different way. I think it could be a little something like this:
"she engraved memories into his body, these scars and wounds filled with deception and lies. They are pitiful, and unbearing to look at."
I guess that is a change..dunno..Now in the last stanza, the flow was weird, you could have cut it differently to make it more powerful.
"Now that time has healed, the scars and scratches and bruises and bumps are gone, Without her, he is naked."
This could be something like:
"The scars now healed with time, his body just another clean slate for her infliction of pain, without her, he is naked.."
So yeah, remember these are just suggestions, you don't have to take them, i don't really mind..Anywho Lovely piece, I liked it a lot..keep up the great work!! Take Care.
Hey Finn Finn, I like this one a lot, and am still kinda weirded out by the fact that I've never read anything of yours before lol. the only thing I can say I might change is maybe make it a little longer and the whole scars thing feels a little redundant...don't take it out maybe just play with it a bit, it wasn't horrible it just felt a little overused. I did love the end though, like at the time he felt like he hated her and the only way for him to be happy was without her because she was using him anyway, but then after she's gone he misses her--and the pain she put him through, beautifully tragic, I loved it, keep writing, peace and love, ~jess
Ok Finni, as promised, here I am. I remember you wrote this after the 'I am bored part' on this site, with all kind of tips about improving writing skills and stuff, and I dont know whether that had inspired you to write this, but as you might remember there was also a part that said its good to write the same poem in a few different ways. I think that that might be a good idea for you to do, because the poem itself and subject is not bad at all, but personally I think it could have been written better. The suggestions given by Lucy ans Sierramuse are nice ones, so you might consider those or just change it yourself [or not, ofcoarse] My advice is try to avoid long lines, for example in the first part,
Curled up in a ball, sitting beside the window sill, watching the rain fall, and reminding himself, how strained he felt with her fibs.
The two next lines that follow might also be cut a bit shorter, but I must say I like your use of words here and the assonance of ..on the ground is bound..
The next part.. maybe...
The scars she carved Like the deception and lies Are all he's got left Ugly and unbearable
Lol, that was a mix of both the other suggestions, your version and then combined with my idea..
The last lines.. you should avoid plural use of 'and' maybe just change very little, because I like how you used alliteration there,
Now that time has healed, All the scars and scratches, Bumps and bruises, Slightly faded away,
Though without her,
he is naked
I think italics would look nice there. All my suggestions might seem as though I thought your write sucked and that you'd better use the suggestions, but I just like to give you my view on how you can do it differently, and leave you the choice with what you're gonna do with it. And last I like to say, compliments on the title, its really sticky and a nice description of how he feels, I really like the idea behind this.
This is really good Sometimes we as humans are so alone we only can feel the Love others feel for us Some people do not know how to feel love on their own and that really is quite sad You worded this well and the flow is perfect Excellent Job my Friend God Bless Ron
Submission Name: Naked Revised
lol. the only thing I can say I might change is maybe make it a little longer and the whole scars thing feels a little redundant...don't take it out maybe just play with it a bit, it wasn't horrible it just felt a little overused. I did love the end though, like at the time he felt like he hated her and the only way for him to be happy was without her because she was using him anyway, but then after she's gone he misses her--and the pain she put him through, beautifully tragic, I loved it, keep writing,