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My hands faded and sank
into the murky, white, water.
Sinking, digging deeper
the rest of me pondered;
Heaven is a light, a mist , a vapor
Not murky, milky water.
No, this was not heaven.
The angel in me pondered;
Maybe this was better.
No more digging and grabbing
I simply let myself slide in.
The wetness turning pink around me
My warmth pouring from me
Trading places with the cold white water
After it all, the ghost in me pondered;
Maybe heaven was better.
| This is a really mystical write and different from other poems I have read here, your words paint a picture of what heaven is not and to speak of suicide but not right out leaves a mystery to figure out. I truly enjoyed this piece of poetry alot and will add it to my favs.|
|| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ] || This is excellent. I'm really impressed. Most people on this site write pretty standard fare (mostly rhymed love and "depressed" poems), and I'm glad that someone has gone beyond that. I like how you put the facets of the narrator into it: "the rest of me," "the angel in me," and "the ghost in me." (The later phrase makes me think of "The Ghost in You" by The Psychedelic Furs). I also like the ambiguity in this because it could be suicide (like Virginia Woolf's), but it also makes me think of someone who was on The Titanic or something and surrendered to fate. The talk of heaven makes me think of The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold too. |
I have to say that the picture of the cat makes me think of a cat being drowned in a bag too.
You probably could have a more evocative title, but that's up to you.
|| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ] || This was fantastic, very mystical. Almost trance like. I loved how you ended the write with "Maybe Heaven was better" Im a touched confused with the title but thats no bother. As repetitive as it sounds, the flow was nice, and it was perfect lenght. Enough to satisfy but not too much as to bring bordom. |
|| Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by Phobos | [ Reply to This ] || Wow! Y'all are making me blush really... Thank you!!!|
I don't want to burst your bubble but let me just say this. I never even thought of it as a suicide poem. The rest, I leave up to you.
I guess that's all I can say...
Thanks very much again for your comments I look forward to reading your stuff in exchange.
Friends 4 life
|| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by LadyMerlina | [ Reply to This ] || Enchanting, really. A lovely balance between a question and a description. The imagery, though it wasn't elaborate or very sharp, was beautiful in itself because it's always the first thing I notice. Nicely done.|
|| Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ] || This is pretty good. I have to agree Graeme. This read real different from the usual suicide writes which made it unique. Great piece of work you got here I enjoyed reading this.|
Keep up it
and take care
|| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ] || I was totally entranced in this reading so that I think it was excellent. You tell a story well not to easy to figure out but made extremely clear the out come. Most dark poetry don't end with their subject in heaven ...this made this poem unique to other could be sucide poems.|
`always write poetry, Cheryl.
|| Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ] || Very good, you build the story up nicely to enthrall the reader as to exactly what is happening and what will happen next. Although a suicide poem (I guess) you mask it well with the murky water references, and it doesn't become too apparent until things turn pink (a dead give-away...lol)|
Very well done, very different from the usual suicide poems. Welcome to Elite!
|| Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ] || Well structured, and the whole thing flowed along effertlessly. Another good write from you - well done.|
|| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ] |