LETTER by Psyve

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Submission Name: LETTER dots

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Author:	Psyve
ASL Info:	53/M/ Bahrain
Elite Ratio:	3.29 - 75/102/60
Words:	111

Class/Type:	Lyrics/Misc
Total Views:	1267
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	715

Description:

LETTER

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Her letter- she says she's coming to town,
That's better- but will you have her around,
Or let her hang 'round at your beck and call?
(She doesn’t call up at all, she doesn’t call up at all…)

Elevator- she'll raise you out of the depths,
Escalator- she elevates you in steps,
You hate her- 'coz just when you're feeling well,
You know she's gonna drop you in hell, she hurls you right back in hell !

Been rifting a long way, now the distance is wide,
She's drifting the wrong way, she's ebbing out of your tide…
(You can't back out and you're tied!)

Submitted on 2006-06-11 16:01:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I don't normally like rhyme, but this has a certain charm. I like your use of initial rhyme because it's not used very often. However, I do think you could clean this up a bit. You hyphens should be dashes. (In most word processors, you type two hyphens and press enter, but if that doesn't work in yours, two hyphens typed together are equivalent). In "(She doesn’t call up at all, she doesn’t call up at all…)" and "You know she's gonna drop you in hell, she hurls you right back in hell," the commas need to be semicolons or periods. I'm also not keen on "'coz" because 'cause seems sufficently colloquial to me.

Nicely done,
Amy
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
hmmmm neat :D I really like this! I can almost hear it... almost, because a persistent NANA song is stuck in my head >o< but, other than that... lol. Just one thing - be careful of repeating rhyming words, like you say hell twice in a row and tide/tied.... i know you can usually slide by if it's sung but make sure to use your judement, make sure it DOES sound all right :D mmkay? Otherwise great! Tight and together and spunky :P ~Cora
| Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by Cora Windover | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.