Departed by Swanne

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Departed dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Swanne
Elite Ratio:	4.31 - 258/206/43
Words:	73

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	210
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	489

Description:
perhaps I should add more?
let me know

thank you,
swanne

Departed dots

-------------------------------------------

On rainy days,
you always get that way.
Like the grey clouds
so heavy,
thin lips pressed
so tightly,
that the pink,
it dissolves to white.
I saw that look in you tonight.
I saw in your brown eyes
That guarantee,
The two seconds it took
You to feel alive
That you’ll be dead by three.
But honey, you’ve found
What you need in me.
You’ve found your immortality.

Submitted on 2006-06-11 22:13:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Maybe it would benefit from a bit more information...I don't know, it's good as well to leave things unsaid...

Hmmph! A lot of help THAT was! I dunno, I quite like it as it is, the ending sorta makes up for the lack of a reason as to WHY he would feel like that...simply a rainy day?

I'd also look at shaving a few unnecessary words, too, like the "sos" and "its" etc. Mostly not needed.

Nice little story though, I liked it

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Didn't really get why you chose the title "Departed"
The poem is fine as it is... (and you know I love writing short poems myself ;) )
suggestion:
"The two seconds it took
You to feel alive"
I'd drop the "You" in this case. It kinda puts the rhythm of the poem slightly off...

Though I think this isn't as good as your usual ("englishly" speaking), it's fine as it is.

Signing off,

Bann
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok just a guess the person with the white lips had died. Thus the title,yet lives on as a sprit, that way lives on in mortality. The death scene was not to discriptive However is not forgot. It seems like it happens on those rainy days. You did not write to much but said alot or maybe my imagination is running away with me lol ok that was my best guess.

Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
  It doesn't need more in my opinion. Short and sweet.
I love the last couple lines the best.
Sometimes even in death one can be immortal, because they will always be alive in your heart. (I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true)
Thanks for sharing, write on
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by DisilusndDreamr | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.