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    dots Submission Name: kiri kiridots

    Author: thescarletabyss
    Elite Ratio:    6.36 - 22/29/12
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 800
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 776

       I'd really like to know what goes through your mind as you read this (i what images come to mind, your interpretations of meaning, thoughts on flow and rhythm, etc.)

    Also, the title is a japanese onomatopoeia denoting piercing pain (i like of a bad stomachache). It is only provisional.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotskiri kiridots


    The attendant beat,

    Though feeble,

    Threshes faster
    Through uncouth heart—
    yet flaccid—

    Lascivious whilst
    employed by legs

    throughout dusk—

    affright for loosing one,
    the adored Lenoir,
    whose hair of
    plaited spindles
    fell adjacent
    a heaving chest

    eclipsing those
    soft breasts

    that once
    were adorned
    by unctuous air,

    and by the unctuous air


    Submitted on 2006-06-11 22:19:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I get a couple of different images of this while reading it. Some of it self erotic, some of it just running. It has several layers in that way, but your use of sexuallanguage is hard to miss, especially when using words like 'flacid'. There are several others that have sexual overtones which I won't point out. You know what they are.

    Some of your language leaves me a bit wanting... like 'whilst'. It feels very anachronistic which is different than just a raised diction. The rest of the poem reads 'eduacated'.. that line reads 'trying to use an older form the poem doesn't need'

    "and by the unctuous air


    I like this... I like the tension between the two lines, hightening the sense of being naked, but also alone.

    The poem reads as auto erotic though the images say that two people are there.
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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