I like this piece very much. Enjoy the contrast of a sort of fantasy and harsh reality. amalgamated seems to have tones of the scientific or an industrial word, wondered about coalesced, fused (may be too much alliteration), collective (not quite the same meaning)...
Everything seems to flow very well.
like this especially...
her lips forging each staccato syllable with fallen nuances (nuaance) ???
thought this was the nicest stanza in the whole piece. Great reflection.
Limbs poorly stitched together with the corrupt thread that she inherited from her mother
you are right, i do love this one, too. you have a beautiful imagination...i could lose myself in your words for days. 'Darkened eyes behold a Blood shot world as butterflies solemnly lament' ~ this is just gorgeous. i felt sad reading this, yet strangely warmed, too. bet that sounds kinda confusing, huh? haha you really have a rare talent, your words leave me in awe. wonderful!! michelle
This poem is dreadful, meaning filled with dread. I like it, a lot, it is so subtle, yet it reaches out to you, grasping your heart. Making you listen, making you see. The images tore at my very center. *shakes her head* This made me want to cry. In the end, all you have left is hope. A dream that tomorrow will be a better day, that all your troubles will be washed away. I seem to have lost a lot of my hope, but, I believe, it is slowly coming back. It always helps to have something to believe in.
I thnk the image here holds up well through-out the poem.
"With darkened eyes She beholds a Blood shot world As butterflies solemnly lament"
This is a fairly good stanza but for one little niggle. The 'a' at the end of the second line is a rather weak ending in a poem with only strong ending lines. my opinion is that simply moving that syllable to the beginning of the next line would add strength to the stanza:
"She beholds A blood-shot world"
"In AN amalgamated existence" words beginning with a vowel are always preceded by 'an', not 'a'.
"Cloaked in sackcloth she shuffles through abandoned streets soiled feet dragging
Darkened eyes behold a Blood shot world"
That pretty much caught me entirely, I loved those lines to death. You were right, my dear, I do relate to this poem, kind of glad you saw me in this piece. Life in general is hard, of course, but hope comes. Hope reached me in the form of a person that I love with all my life, I'm just glad to have him in my life right now. Although hes not God or Jesus, this guy is a god figure in my eyes, a savior. But anywho, this piece was very well written, I loved it. I also recommend, that you look up a name here, its "Ronswords". He believes in God, and most of his poems are religious. You remind me of him a lot. Have a great day, and talk to you later!
Cloaked in sackcloth she shuffles through abandoned streets soiled feet dragging
Darkened eyes behold a blood shot world as butterflies solemnly lament
Limbs poorly stitched together with the corrupt thread that she inherited from her mother
This fragmented mind dwells in an amalgamated existence formed from a hollow soul once full
“Who am I” she mutters her lips forging each staccato syllable with fallen nuances
Struggling through stale air rescued with calloused hand fairies with frayed wings sown by angel tears
I gave this a slight revision to give you an idea of how it might look with a bit of tweaking. As in all democracies, you may use or disregard my suggestions as you see fit. Perhaps if you added one more strophe/stanza to the end of the post (before the last four lines) it might intensify the close of the post. Just a thought.
BTW, this had some fine imagery and a very potent theme that certainly deserved posting.
My words are not as eloquent as those you use in your commentary or poetry but I will do my best . I very much appreciate your comment on "Faries". I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I'm glad you enjoyed my poem. I believe that in exercising our imaginations we stay healthier of mind and more joyful of spirit.
I like "Frayed Wings", I'm not sure how it is meant to be taken but what I picture when I read it is a sad little fairy fluttering down a dark alley, feet barely off the ground because she is a half breed and feels her life is a waste. I don't know if thats what I'm supposed to get but it is and I enjoyed it. C-ya.
Submission Name: Frayed Wings
