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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Your Kisses Taste Like Gun Powderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyFairCalamity
    ASL Info:    17**I'm a lady**philly
    Elite Ratio:    7.1 - 115/67/16
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1174
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 508



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Kisses Taste Like Gun Powderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In this cell of a room,
    hell of a house,
    hole of a tomb,
    you’re the smoke in my mouth
    as I paint the walls red
    “violent red.”

    I’ve made this cell my art,
    this hell my home,
    this hole my heart,
    because I’m still alone.
    My paintbrush has a trigger.

    Now my cell drips dry,
    my hell freezes forever,
    this hole doesn’t lie.
    We should have done this together…




    Submitted on 2006-06-12 19:16:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      ahhh regret.
    maybe i could have been something you would be good at kind of thing.
    Tegan and Sara have a song along those lines i believe.
    the one and only nitpick i would have with this would be the use of punctuation,especially the use of commas at the end of lines. i think breaks are a given here and so the commas are really unneccessary.
    other than that one thing,this is really quite well done.
    love the last line,it really drives the feeling home.
    good then.
    1
    | Posted on 2007-11-03 00:00:00 | by eno1 | [ Reply to This ]
      
    This is fricken amazing, and I have no idea how to express myself for I'm just so..eerrrrr...blown
    away with this piece.

    I love the play on words and twists of metaphor.
    The meter, rhyme and symbolism are beyond anything I can even come close to critiquing...
    for this poem is meant to sipped and savored.

    UNREAL

    I'm just...umm...frick
    going to save this one...yeah...that's all I can say.
    | Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this at first, and I didn't get quite what you were trying to say. I had to re-read a few times, but I think now I can see your point. There are some grammatical errors, as any piece would have, but other than that
    Good Job and a thumbs up for effort.

    KriS;;
    | Posted on 2006-09-27 00:00:00 | by SimpleAtHeart | [ Reply to This ]
      well i must confess it i the first time i read it , i hate it, i really hated because i felt like i was reading a teenagers write,, but then after rereading i got what you want to say .. this is simple but very straight ian iw anted to read more about this.. so i suggest you keep writing and special end for this witing it has a lot of potential.. it really does, well keep wrtiitng and thanks for sharing and if you have time please take a look to my writing, i would be glad if you leave a comment on them .. take care
    and have a nice day
    peace and love
    Victor
    good job
    | Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      I got to tell you, Kate, the more I read this, the more I hate it. I thought you had talent, but you proved me wrong.

    Haha Just kidding. Did I getcha? lol Aww man I'm hilarious.
    But really though... In all honesty, this is definitely one of the best things I've ever read.
    I've read it so many times, and I dont think I could ever get tired of it.
    The beginning is perfect, the middle is perfect, and the end rocked like sandstone. lol haha get it? (Yeah, thats not my joke. I stole it.)

    I have so many favorite parts, but I guess the ones that stuck out the most were:

    "you’re the smoke in my mouth
    as I paint the walls red"

    (How awesome is that? Hah I love it. Red is such a gorgeous color... and smoke is pretty. It makes me think of fire and burning and ashes and stuff. And we all know how much I enjoy fire...)

    and the line, "My paintbrush has a trigger."

    (That is so clever, and it fits perfectly.)

    Anyway, dear... as I've told you many times, I love this. If it wasnt already on my favorites list, I would put it there right now... but it is... so I ... wont.
    Why am I still awake?? I'm losing it here.

    Byee
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      This rhymes REALLY WELL. Therefore, it is amazing. Also, the title is very cool... depressed with a ¨[censored] it all¨ kind of attitude. I realllly like it actually. It just rolls off my tongue. I read it like 3 times because it was fun. I don´t have any criticism, because I looove the way it is. GOOD JOB!
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
      Good one Kate. I liked the chronalogy (new word?) of the stanzas and the way they "stepped" from one to the other. You just kind of showed how misery will live even if it has no company in a cool way.

    Good stuff maynard.
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      "In this cell of a room,
    hell of a house,
    hole of a tomb,
    you’re the smoke in my mouth
    as I paint the walls red
    “violent red.”

    I’ve made this cell my art,
    this hell my home,
    this hole my heart,
    because I’m still alone.
    My paintbrush has a trigger.

    Now my cell drips dry,
    my hell freezes forever,
    this hole doesn’t lie.
    We should have done this together…"


    No doubt about it, misery has always been a source of fine art (and the canvas is generally painted in blood and muscle coated with the fine sheen of one last inhuman shout). It's tough to do loneliness together, so I'll assume this was a mutual suicide pact of the slow painful variety (long term relationships qualify as devices of torture). In any case, this one is ready to go BOOM!!!

    Nicely done.
    No nits.
    No picks.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This was great. Its always nice to die with someone, being alone is never fun, its safe, but not fun..But its a tough decesion dying for someone, even if you love them. I mean I would die for and with the one I love only because, if they were to kill themselves, life wouldn't life without them..ya know? Well anways, usually I give helpful comments, but this poem seemed perfect. Great job, and take care!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      hi kate,

    i think this is my favorite from u so far because i think its really good.

    "Now my cell drips dry,
    my hell freezes forever,
    this hole doesn’t lie.
    We should have done this together… "

    this was my favorite part and a god ending. i hope you will be writing more soon. well ill be seein you in like a few minutes so see you soon.

    Bye

    ~Samm

    | Posted on 2006-06-13 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      You had few words to describe this scene but i think those few words was the only thing needed to make this piece worth reading. You have done a great job with this. I loved the title especially. It drew me in the piece directly, and no matter what this symbolized about life, i could definitively relate to the loneliness of torture and that i shouldn't be alone to face the torture but that the one who was suppose to be by my side also has to face it.

    Although you have used words that everyone can understand and relate to, i think you can make this piece more strong in terms of using words which doesn't come out of every poems. To me, it would make the piece stronger.

    Other than that...Hope to see more from you. Do take care until next time we meet.

    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-13 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Really grat write, wording and presentation were awesome very original, and i like your reference to "violent red" are you a Taking BAck Sunday fan..? Well..great job/..

    -Anya
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]


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