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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Most Dangerous Weapondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: smartblond
    ASL Info:    18/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 97/114/33
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1724



    Description:
       So many time people say oh don't gossip. These words just kinda bounce off of us without effect. Do we really know what pain we are inflicting? And for what momentary popularity.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Most Dangerous Weapondots
    -------------------------------------------


    We are merely slaves to sin
    To refuse to help our troubled kin
    We sneak around like scrounge dogs
    Picking our way through endless fogs
    Speaking of each other
    To the point our words may smother
    The reputation of whom you speak
    From this false information you may leak

    With many good things we may be tempt
    That does not mean we are exempt
    From the consequence of our action
    For which our punishment is just a fraction
    Of the agony we cause
    Over speaking anothers flaws
    And yet we don't stop and pause

    To think of those we may be hurting
    Of our gossips disconcerting
    In our stupid senseless fun
    Do we not know the damage we've done?
    As we joke, play, and kid
    Some true feelings may have hid

    Our words begin to suddenly sink in
    As their heart tears within
    Words hurt more then we can know
    Is kindness uncapable of show?

    Worse then any physical pain
    With our words their spirit is slain
    Their heart is locked in an invisible chain
    And what by this do we gain?

    We must be careful what we say
    From our mouths words do stray
    We must learn to control our tongue
    Even now while we are young

    To keep more from this path
    Of this cruel and awful wrath
    From wich so many have been deystroyed
    That which we could now avoid

    With this awful human habit
    Which the devil must inhabit
    What do we gain
    But a moment of fame
    While others conscience is purely maimed





    Submitted on 2006-06-13 17:54:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You asked for "nitpicking", so the first nit is "temt". Grammatically, it should be "tempted", but you jiggled it to make the line. I wanna get in early with some absolutely enthusiastic approval for that! Poets are supposed to push it too far with whatever their language offers to play with, and not many of the young poets feel free enough, and I'm glad that you do, according to this little clue!

    Uh - sometimes I sound patronising and maybe sometimes I am; but I'm really here to learn, so when I go "young poets", I mean people I really wish I could be more like!

    Second nit is: "anothers" should be "another's". That is a tiny one because although a mistake in English, it doesn't affect the clarity, the meaning, the sound or the metre, and so it doesn't matter except for publishing, when you need to catch it whilst proofreading.

    Couple of typos in second last stanza.

    Others should be others' . Are you clear about the apostrophes for possessive case? Lots of people aren't. Again, it doesn't matter till you are checking it into a magazine or something public. But on the other hand -- just in this line of yours, you might decide to pronounce it correct! because it leaves the singular/plural ambiguous by leaving out any apostrophe; and sometimes ambiguous is just what one needs ...

    This verseform, free but with rhyme and stanzas, goes so well that I hate to criticize it. What interferes with it every now and then, is that you tolerate some awkward-sounding bits because they have the right meaning and rhyme. On the other hand, the meanings are clear and the rhymes fine, so I don't give a rat's about metrical glitches, meself. I just enjoyed reading this poem!

    It is so successful with me, because my experience includes a story like that. A friend used this weapon to destroy the social life of one of my favourite people, who actually left town then. I was seriously furious, and will never forget watching this deliberate campaign of planned malice succeed on such a real, practical level of harm. (But she should not have picked a poet's loved one to attack with that particular weapon, eh?)

    | Posted on 2008-02-13 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Liz, this was really good! You managed to give a philisophical and caring message and in rhyming poetry; that's hard to do, but you've done it well!
    | Posted on 2006-12-17 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved how you were able to rhyme eveything and keep a nice flow. Message was clearly presented and you had lovely imagery placed here and there. I especially enjoy the line about 'hearts tear within'. People do gossip far too much and never realize the ones they are hurting... then again sometimes they do. I tried to avoid it at all costs, even if my friends pleasure in it too much. Excellent write!

    Peace V

    Ren
    | Posted on 2006-11-14 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really one incredible write
    You captured your theme perfect with your words
    I for one do not understand why people are so jealous of another they have to spread false rumors and destroy their character
    I have been a victim of these same circumstances many times and some right here in Elite Skills
    I dont let others negativity bring me down though for my Conscience is much to strong to let anothers negativity bring me down
    I really liked this
    I am making this a favorite
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved your message here, about how we are just as respondsibile for another mental pain as we would their physical pain if we gossip. Your flow was good, and I did liked the rhyming. Although I noticed you changed your pattern here and there as to if the poem was aaaa or aabb. because it is a good poem it would be hard to give this a more unified rhyming pattern without mucking it up. I am proud that you came up with this poem and it should be posted in everyone homes. Great work.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      this was pretty cool. i don't know how u did this cuz i know i sure as hell could have never wrote anything this good simply about gossip. u really expanded upon this subject and its effects. damn good job.
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      f.ucking amazing! good flow but your message was so true and so powerful, I'm not even nearly one of the "popular" ppl and I prefer it that way, I know how it feels to be talked about and how words from another can scar someone who never did anything to deserve the burn in the first place. great work, I'll be looking forward to reading sum more,
    peace,
    ~jess~
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is sooo flippin' awesome. I loved it, it was written very well I couldn't ind anything wrong with it. There is so much truth to it. I know the feeling of being talked about, and how words hurt more than anything else. Keep up the awesome work and I'll keep reading....

    >:D Porcelain
    | Posted on 2006-06-13 00:00:00 | by UnwantdX_XScars | [ Reply to This ]
      100% agree with Silent_death


    shes quite correct with all shes said, but id also like to add.

    when compared to your other work, it shows quite a bit of growth. Im waiting for the next.
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great, and so true. Others talk badly about people behind their backs, or right in front of their faces, and don't even know the pain they are inflicting. I have to admitt, I have been at times, one of those people. As a matter of fact, today, I was sitting with a bunch of my friends while I listened to them talk badly about some girl who was a table next to ours. I'm not one to ruin the fun, but as I was listening, I was watching how the girl reacted to the teasing. It was so sad to watch, She looked so hurt. Kids can be so cruel and judgmental. Most of them grow out of it, which is good, but some never learn.
    If only those people out there could read this poem. Then they would know what they are doing.
    Really great work. I got a lot out of this.

    ~Piper
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]
      A good perspective on being on the receiving end of idle gossip. And yes, it can be very damaging.

    Well structured and your description is first rate - well done.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a nice poem. You did a fine job with keeping the rhyme throughout this whole piece while at the same time telling a story of just how much words can hurt. Words do hurt, probably more than anything else, they scar the heart and soul. At least physical pain such as bruises and cuts, can heal. But once words are spoken they can be never taken back. They eat away at the mind and no matter how much one wants to forget them, they are always there. It is so important to not speak out of anger and gossip is really just childish. I have always felt that people who gossip about others just do it to feed their own insecurities about themselves. Anyway, this is a good poem.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      All I can say is...wow!!!
    This poem is very well written...I had noticed the rhyme scheme changing a little but don't suggest any changes either.

    the topic you chose is very...shall we say...appropriate, to this generation.Too often I speak with out thought...It has been the cause of so much pain.

    the tongue is only 6in long but it can kill a man 6ft tall

    very, very good it is now being added to my favs!!

    ~LD~
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by lastdragon | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for the comment on one of my pieces. Your work is very good. The words really sunk in and got its message across. The old saying is "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", but I don't find this saying true at all. You've proved my opinion with this piece. I want to read some more....

    =Ayane=
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Ayane | [ Reply to This ]


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