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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Single Syringedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 278
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1567
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1618



    Description:
       Ok. I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was a cancer patient, who would be doing euthanasia [is allowed in my country].
    m not telling anything else, but this was really what I dreamt. (dreamed? whatever)

    It feels like needing advice, so if you got any.. you know what to do


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSingle Syringedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Her waiting would be rewarded at last,
    The final day that would take her away.
    The release from all she had left in life
    For only pain was all she felt.

    Tired of suffering, the last choice she’d make
    After a long way of losing strength quickly
    She took her life in own hands once more
    And now longed to make it end for ever.

    All where there, her friends and family
    To pay their last honour and wish her good luck
    On her walk out of life, into the light
    ‘Cause wherever she’d go, she would leave.

    Still there was a stranger with her
    None she knew, though on her request
    He’d come to fulfil with a single syringe
    Her desire to leave whatever she’d left

    Now on her last powers, she whispered goodbye
    Then closed her eyes, as the needle shot in
    She let out a sigh , slowly fading away
    But stayed part awake as a movie was played

    Moments of life now passed her by
    How she grew up, had laughed and cried
    For hours it seemed to play these scenes
    But then the time came that pain had begun

    More clearly now, she saw her last days
    How she had waited for this end to come
    But as she realised she now slowly died,
    She tried to envision those around her again.

    To her horror she even succeeded and saw,
    All of them crying while she wasn’t dead yet
    For all she really wanted, had prayed for and desired
    Had failed at last, as she woke up dying




    Submitted on 2006-06-15 09:30:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      this one really made me sad(REALLY) wich doesnt happen often so keep up the writting and keep your head up when not writting things DO get better they always do. and this is coming from someone stuck in the darkest depression of thier life!!
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]
      Once again, very powerful work. Very imaginative and visual. I can feel the emotion in this piece of work. It is sad but beautiful at the same time. Keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by riki_nl | [ Reply to This ]
      you're right you didn't ask me specifically for andvice and i'm certainly not a general but, i think I can help smooth out some simple grammatical nuances as for my advice take it or leave. that being said I suppose on to you piece and my critique the first stanza has a nice rhyme guideing my eyes along as i read until this line tripped me up

    "For only pain was all she felt."

    what you are saying is clear but only implies that pain was all she felt. This most likely is a mere difference in language I know in french the same sentence would be worded the way you wrote it. But you don't need was all and only one will do. You can keep both if you rearange the order and drop for the you'd have

    She only felt pain -or-
    For pain was all she felt

    3s L1 where should be were
    3s L2 honour=honor

    after that it flows well until the last stanza
    maybe just a coma after "to her horror"

    Overall It's a good story the aliteration and assonace entice me as well I especially like

    To her horror she even succeeded and saw,
    anyway thank for the read I had read this will you were on your trip but I wasn't aloud to comment because you'd be gone more than three days. peace
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good write..You see I don't sleep much, so I don't dream much, thats just a way not to have nightmares, if you don't sleep, you can't have 'em. Anywho, I miss read things..As you well know by now, lol. So yeah..This person didn't go through pain, I got confused, oh well. Onwards:I think there were some stanzas that could use some work, and others that shouldn't be touched. Lemme give my almost usually pointless suggestions:


    "Tired of suffering, the last choice she’d make
    After a long way of losing strength quickly
    She took her life in own hands once more
    And now longed to make it end for ever. "

    I think that this stanza lacked flow, it was just chunky, like the lines were long..It "could" go a little something like:

    "Tired of suffering, the last choice she'd make
    After a long tread of strength tearing from her body.
    She took her life in her own hands once more,
    longing to scrap any remainder. (or: Longing to make it end forever..lol)"

    I'm not sure if you'll like that..dunno..I think we both have way different things of writing poetry..so yeah..I think that was the only stanza that didn't really work..But in the third stanza, you said she would walk off into the light, but then in the next line you said "where ever she'd go"..Well which was it light (heaven), or darkness (hell)?

    Anyways lovely piece, um..nightmares suck! It must be those evil little creature underneath your bed giving you bad dreams. Check under there tonight, and kill them all. (Ignore that..I'm not sure whats wrong with me..) Have a great day Janneke!!!!!!!! Much love,

    Lucy


    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      This was not a fun dream it seems. I liked the way you tell the reader of how she saw her life replay in her mind. I think the last stanza was a weak ending, it did not keep the strong feel of facing death and wanting to hang on at the same time as you had planned. So, overall, good work, but ending needs to be improved.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-06-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, nice poem, it really came to me, it came to touch me, I loved it, I really did, I'll make it a fav! It's awesome, anyway what to say about it, it was marvelous! I just loved it, especially the last stanza. It was great, so great that I'm still thinking about it saying, wow... isn't this a great poem, the thoughts arn't the best, suicidal isn't the best, but as a poem and to express it's just a great way, maybe I'll write something like death or something, to feel what it is to die, without dieing, cause that's my way, writing, every feeling comes out on one sheet of paper, and after writing it just feels so good, saying what you had to say in an artistic way, it's just great, anyway heres a medal I hope you liked reading my comment as much I had to write it, take care, and cya on the chatbox! anyway I'm off!

    Wolfy-
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Wolfeye_666 | [ Reply to This ]
      Still there was a stranger with her
    [No one] she knew, though on her request
    He’d come to [fulfill] with a single syringe
    Her desire to leave whatever she’d left


    To her horror she even succeeded and saw,
    All of them crying while she wasn’t dead yet
    For all she really wanted, had prayed for and desired
    Had failed at last, as she woke up [dying]

    Okay those are some minor errors that I spotted while going through this. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

    Hmmm... this is an interesting write you got here. Mainly because it was based on sometime you dreamt. I can imagine the experience was very terrifying for you because you seem to remember the experience with intimate detail.
    Is this the first time you experience a nightmare such as this? I would offer some more advice or rather some advice, but right now I'm sort of spaced out and I can't really think of anything right now to say or type. So if anything I get back to you later.

    I enjoyed reading this

    Take care
    and be happy

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-06-17 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah, the long debated topic; euthanasia. I guess one would feel tempted to commit if they got the deadly disease.

    Cancer, as far as I know, is an almost incurable disease. And it is often very slow spreading. Since most outcomes turn out to be fatal, it is no doubt that people lose patience. And since the chances of living a normal life once again are very rare, most people just give up.

    This was one scary dream. I liked the before and after effects you put into this to show the effect of cancer to people. It was clever writing this in third person. I am glad you made me read this


    Abbas


    Ps. Bedankt voor het onderrichten van mij om "Spuit" te spellen
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Suicide is never the best answer....I remember when i felt suicidal or wanted to do something stupid that would either cause me to die or to feel some other pain....i actually couldn't imagine doing it....Don't know how people have the strength to do such things....Life's too precious but ooh well, to some it's not..

    You've written a nice piece here. There were certain parts that i actually couldn't follow very clearly because it drifted away from the scene or jumped from one image to the next without explaining any link...

    Other than that....I think this piece is a bit too long and could use to be shortened a bit and more up to the point...You've slipped up from time to time but the ending brought me back to understanding because it happens to people all over the world for all kinds of reasons.
    I also think punctuation could be good in appropriate place...You've missed a few areas...

    Overall, though, i liked this very much...It has it's own dark version and i'm glad i got to read it.

    Until next time, take care...

    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


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