We have no place
We have no face
We stalk the streets at night
Our existance is your plight
Bound by mental chains
We feast upon your veins
Your blood becomes our pleasure
An emotion you cannot measure
We hate until the bitter end
We have hearts you cannot mend
Torched to the fires of hell
We are the pain you love to sell
We are the evil of which you speak
We are the love in which you seek
Loved and loathed, yet never ignored
Souls without salvation spreading discord
The longing subsides with every feast
You can cage an animal...
But never tame the beast
Engulfed in lonliness, drowning in dispise
Simply wishing for one day's demise
Hating what you were, what you will become
Every loss strikes a nerve...
We hope it makes us numb
"dead bodies everwhere!" sorry, I'm listening to Korn, aren't they one of the best bands ever! Aint terrible, but you've done better. This just seems kinda generic. Hell, hating, outcasted the usual. I actually think you'd m construct a more interesting piece if you challenged yourself not to use the usual rhyming sequence, if any at all, you could do it, but what do I know. not bad, see you around
the poem up until the last two lines sounds a little stereotypical vampire... but when you say,
"Every loss strikes a nerve... We hope it makes us numb"
it brings you into a "vampire's" mind..and then makes you read it again, all of that they have not done by choice, and so each time they are forced to do something just so they can survive, such as take an innocent human's life, they can only hope that the feeling of being a horrilbe creature gets weaker, just like we do as people. we have to fight so hard to survive, and we are forced to be horrible creatures to others and to ourselves, and all we can do is hope that we get more immune to our conscience, but it never fades, no matter how completely strong we think we are.
This has to be one of the strongest Vampire pieces I have seen in a very long time. The rymeing is perfect but I feel that sme of the syllables are off. Reading it gave me goosebumps and I think I'll add it to my faves. I plan on looking forward to more of your work especially on vampires. i think from you I would most like to see a piece on a specific vampire and what they feel and see and act when they feed upon their prey. you are a great writer and i hope you take into consideration what I have said to you hear. Good luck with future poems and I hope to see many many more by you! ~Krystina~
I dont know if you wanted to but this was kinda funny. I dont know why but during the whole thing, i was like cracking up and [censored]. Sorry, if i sound like i dont like it, it not that bad but it doesn't sound serious at all to me, more like a parody or something making fun of vampires. The rhyming was pretty damn good but the flow was so perfect that i was about to stand on my desk and start chanting this in hopes of turning into a vampire *looks at himsef* damn it didn't work! These lines right here was so perfect, i envy you.
"The longing subsides with every feast You can cage an animal... But never tame the beast"
This I think so the point of your whole poem, how ppl can think that they can change vampires' nature by trying to make them adapt or something but the nature will always be there cause you can't change a person's nature. I think this can also be said for people. you can never change what a person is, they will always be the same. Very poetic and very flowing, a damn good write.
*Sits quietly for a few moments, gathering his thoughts.*
First and foremost, very well written.. Personally, I would have worked on seperating and lengthening some myself, but that is just me, this piece still works very well, though to my eye, seems unrefined ( sorry :< ) Also, no apparent spelling errors and such, punctuation is needed in my opinion, but that is just going into nitpicking. If you don't mind me doing so, and don't think it too presumptuous of me, I would like to reconstruct this piece now.. if you dislike what I have done.. please, forgive me.
On to the fun..
"Without a place, Lost, having no face.. We stalk the streets warily, Prowling, in the dead of night.. Our existance, your plight.
Tied in etheral regins, Bonded by psychic chains, Feasting upon your essence, Thy scarlet rivers our pleasure, An emotion you cannot measure.
Bitter, wishing for an ending, Hearts, in dire need of mending, Condemned forever, in the blacked abyss, Constantly plagued, charring our very shell, Tormented in the inferno, our very own hell.
We, the evil which thou speaks, We, love in which thou seeks, Dark Angels, Feared and Revered, Loved and loathed, yet never ignored, Salivate tenaciously, spreading our discord.
Feral hunger, waning with each fete, Lessening the want, the need for meat.. Lock the animal in a cage within, Bind it inside, impeding the feast, Hopelessly attempting to tame the beast.
Engulfed in lonliness, drowning in dispise Wishing and hoping, for our own demise Hating what you were, what you will become Every loss strikes a nerve... We hope it makes us numb"
Anyway, hope I don't seem like too much of an ass, and I do hope you enjoy the revisions.