Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Living is Riskydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 741
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 723



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLiving is Riskydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bumblebee dragons blue liquid in flagons
    Eight legged spiders pulling the wagons
    Raising our chalice we might seem callous
    We left our children partying at the palace
    But we lost our way on a beautiful day

    Good thing we brought a wagon of whiskey
    Its made us all, so cheerful and frisky
    Now our repartees all frolicsome play
    Just happy to indulge our merry forte
    For mayhem and malice and ravishing Alice
    I just wish she hadn't smacked me with that mallet
    And sent me uh! tumbling down thru the talus

    But I'm having fun and living is risky
    And I know the cure! just drink more whiskey!





    Submitted on 2006-06-16 00:12:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this, right from the title. "Living is Risky" is such a great title, like one of those absolute truths that somehow we all seem to forget or at least ignore. Life isn't safe, living is most definitely dangerous, and that is the best part about it. What is reward without risk?

    This almost seems like a company party somewhere, all the children left at home while the parents raise mayhem unseen since their single days. Damned if it doesn't just rock to get out and party a bit.

    Either that or an AA meeting gone awry.

    The format is great, and it reads with a terrific rhythm...the kind that just flows out of the mouth like a Dr. Seuss rhyme, never losing step. The only thing I noticed was:

    "But we lost our way on a beautiful day"

    doesn't have a matching line. It doesn't hurt the poem really, as that line sort of serves as a delineator between the lead in and the meat-n-potatoes of the piece. There are also the 3 lines toward the end (the "allus" sounds) that all rhyme together, and those, combined with the solo line, add to the manic mischeif this poem presents. It's like an orderly event where alcohol was not supposed to be served, but was anyways and now all hell is breaking loose. But I figured I should probably add a "critique," so there.

    If there is a deeper meaning, it is lost on me and I would love to hear it. Otherwise, great fun write, the kind that is a joy to read aloud.

    Hope all is well,

    James
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    107311

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Cover written by saartha
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Carry written by saartha
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Records I written by Raphael
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    The World written by jjd
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    prison written by ShyOne
    Journey written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry