Personality by Wolfeye

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Submission Name: Personality dots

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Author:	Wolfeye_666
ASL Info:	14/M/Canada
Elite Ratio:	6.53 - 140/112/21
Words:	139

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	221
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	981

Description:
I wrote this, and it my first enlglish write since 4 months!!!

Personality dots

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The personality that she has
Is so great, and beautiful,
That I think that
She has the personality
That I always looked into,

I thought this personality
Was gone; disappeared
From human existance,
But she proved me wrong,
By talking to me,

And letting me know
That the personality
That I thought dissapeared
From the human race
Was still there,
And she had that personality,

The pure personality,
So great, and powerful
That everyone; including I
Would want to met her,
And I have been granted the wish,
This is where I now stand,
Knowing someone that I always dreamed of,
My fantasy I could call it,

And now that I found someone
With this personality,
I think that my wish has
Finally been granted,
And I thank you,
With all the strenght I have,

Submitted on 2006-06-16 14:14:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wolfie
I Like this one a lot
I am really happy for you that you found this happiness
You so deserve it
Dont let this love escape
Capture the true essence of it and let it carry your Heart to true Happiness
I know thru talking with you in chat that you have a very big Heart and love making others feel better
This person is so Lucky to have you in their Life
God Bless
Your Friend
Ron

And Thank You Wolfie for the recent comments you gave me
I really appreciate them
THANK YOU!!!
| Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  haha, nice picture there, it takes up alot of room though. but its funny.

well, this piece made me think that there was some girl who's personality was one of which you dreamed of and always wanted in a relationship. this 'wish' of yours came to reality as you found this girl and fell in love with her personality.....rather than her. for this personality is one that no one else has and it makes her unique.

of course, thats just what i got out of it. exceptionally a damn good piece. take care

Zach

| Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
  omg your picture cracks me up! hehe
Your writing here doesn't posess much in the way of writing conventions - i metaphors, rhyme, rhythm etc. But i am in no way saying this is a bad thing! Sometimes raw thought/emotions are the best way to put things down on the page. I would like to see another version of this poem though, where you keep the same feelings of love and admirationfor this person and put them into a piece that is more...not abstract necessarily, but that makes the reader think about what you're saying more. This is very good, but also very obvious - no ambiguity or veil surrounding the words. Also just watch typos (i know they're annoying when you don't notice!) but the last line says "strenght" not "strength"

Hope your day is awesome today...whatever time it is in canada (in only 8.45 in NZ)

~Tali
| Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Tali | [ Reply to This ]
  Its a good thing you started writing again. I cant eblieve a person can live without writing for.. 4 months!
anyway, whis was I nice write though I have to say you use 2 things too much:

-that
- ,

I have seen a lot of 'thats' in this poem, some of which you can easily get rid of.. letr me give it a try..

instead of..

The personality that she has
Is so great, and beautiful,
That I think that
She has the personality
That I always looked into,

maybe this:

The personality she has
Is so great, and beautiful,
That I think she has
the personality
I have always looked into.

yes and about your use of commas, that's realy confusing. according to me they also help with flow and let people show where to pause, and you have written some commas at places I think are not necessary. I also think its weird to end with a comma..
I think best is to change some of the commas in full stops, so maybe this:

The pure personality,
So great, and powerful
That everyone; including I
Would want to met her,
And I have been granted the wish,
This is where I now stand,
Knowing someone that I always dreamed of,
My fantasy I could call it,

could be:

The pure personality,
So great, and powerful,
That everyone, including me
Would want to meet her.
Now I have been granted the wish,
[and] This is where I stand.
Knowing someone I've always dreamed of,
My fantasy I could call it.

Idk..
just an example so you get what I mean.
Other than the 'thats'and the commas I think this is a good write.
I like the story told, that kind of hwat you have always dreamed of [her] has come true, and that you are so grateful that it actually has.
Lol.. I hope for you this is kind of based on reality. If not.. I hope there will be someone for you with such a personality maybe sometime later

Janneke

| Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]

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