I want to cut your smile away
Replace it with an ugly grimace
One that refuses to be erased
Pop out each eye
And put a black marble in it's place
Even they can't compare with the original distant stare
Cold indifference bleeds from your expression
A skeleton nose, just two holes
The perfect picture of oppression
Cut the fingers into boney nubs
Chizzle the ends to razor sharp points
That will show you all my love
But when you are dead
There is nothing you can do
Except be my submissive
Like the other commentors, I was shaken by the world of anger here. Also, it could not do that if it were not excellent verse. Now I'm comparing this with 'children of cloth' and getting more out of the metaphor of human relationships with dolls.
'It's' is wrong, should be 'its' with no apostrophe. 'it's' is short for 'it is', but for the possessive case meaning something totally different, the convention is to leave off the apostrophe even though it's quite logical to put one in. So 'its' means possessive and the whole deal is just designed to confuse everybody anyway.
Holy Moses... That is so wonderful. So full of rage and hatred, so demented and twisted, it shows alot of the evil hiding within us all, coming out to destroy those that dare to play games with our fragile hearts. Very well written. Deemed worthy of a standing ovation! Have to add this one to my faves... Great work.
Wow. This reads like something a serial killer would write after the still-warm corpse has been found. The descriptions are chilling and drag the reading along, even if unwilling. If you write any fiction, it would be interesting to see this incorperated into something. I'm going to fav this ^_^
Very unique. lol. Great imagery. Nice flow. A little on the crazy side, but I think you made your point well. Good write. I just feel sorry this was meant for, poor person, they will never stand a chance in hell it seems with you. lol. Overall, good work Leanne.
I agree with most all the other comments. THis one was a little weird, but i loved it! the imagery and the way it sounds, just puts pictures in my head. usually i dont go for the demented, gory stuff, but this one is an exception.
Cold indifference bleeds from your expression A skeleton nose, just two holes The perfect picture of oppression
loved this part, and what Faith_Disease said describes it all. You have some talent :) keep up the good work! ~Nichole
S.hit! I'm very scared now, Not because of the write, but because I totally enjoyed this demented, disturbing, morbid write. Now I'm really started to scare myself. What I love about this is that is very gory, but not because your descriptions, but because it leaves a lot to the reader's imagination and that is always a lot creepier. You did a hell of a good job descrbing the gore and everything but not to the point where it became cheesy and overdone.
"I want to cut your smile away Replace it with an ugly grimace One that refuses to be erased"
Ok, I love the first line. It can go two ways I think. I thought about it as stabbing the person and then because he/she will then grimace so then you in a way cut the smile out. Or you can just take it literally and say that the killer actually slice the victim's mouth out and distorted it to make it into a grimace. Damn now thats some creepy s.hit.
"Cold indifference bleeds from your expression A skeleton nose, just two holes The perfect picture of oppression"
This is also very brilliant, but whats cool is that you made it rhyme. I dont know if you did that on purpose or not but it totally works and makes the poem sound way better. This right here is very powerful because you give a reason to the killer's madness. You're not just writing about gore just cause but because there's actually feeling behind it. Thats what makes this poem so good and separates it from the other poems that just seem to glorify gore. I f.ucking loved this. It reminds me of an Edgar Allan Poe story called Berenice thats really gory and leaves a lot to the reader's imagination. Thats why this poem was so damn good. I'm seriously adding it to my fav list. Peace, Neo
Damn this was demented and highly disturbing but I crave for more! I don't have a whole lot to say here, but this was just a damn good poem! Nice graphic descriptions so that I could picture it. I'm adding this to my favorites's list if ye don't mind.