Ambiguous Band-Aid by heartlessname

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Submission Name: Ambiguous Band-Aid dots

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Author:	heartlessname
Elite Ratio:	8 - 48/58/14
Words:	220

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	1609
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1710

Description:
Very weird. Each line is strange. May be hard to read or follow the flow. Enjoy!

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Ambiguous Band-Aid dots

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Bone cage, absent of light;
the darkness departs with each breathe.
A view universal through my ribs,
incarcerating cartiledge closing in.
Suffocating unexposed savagery
confined in kind restraints,
decidely removed from innocent sight.
Insanity capacity abounding.

Causeless,
pursuit chaotic uneager to commence;
numbed by the fear of death inflicted not received.
Care to kill danger gone.
No threat to please retaliation,
continuation of your will dynamic.
Worse for less, past committed.

Violent variables in this vengeful equation
suggest problematic solution.
Memories could not swallow.
Thoughts that should have been laid to rest,
I must now bury beyond.
Inhume indefinately.
Overkill over you.

Mirror of self-discovery
reflecting back on indiscretion;
the stern, silver eyes impale you on mistakes.
Dire and pointless, carrying over wrongs:
worth everything taken for your peace.
You say that I don't have to,
but you are not saying don't.

When love is murder,
broken hands spawn blood tides.
Three words measure infinite truth.
So desperate to pull you out:
To purge you of the flea
projecting such shadows on thought.
Don't hide the itch.
Disburden delivered.

We cannot walk on happiness
with him cemented in your shoes.
Let hate's hammer arc
and powder insignificance.
Emphatic granulation at it's place
beneath your feet.

Submitted on 2006-06-17 18:20:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i dunno what Ambiguous means, but its a cool word. I liked it. You get really long comments. holy. well. bye. keep writing good ones like thig.
DonkeyMan
| Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by DonkeyMan | [ Reply to This ]
  Bone cage, absent of light;
the darkness departs with each breath().
A view universal through my ribs,
incarcerating cartil(a)ge clos(es) in.
Suffocating unexposed savagery
confined in kind restraints,
decidely removed from innocent sight.
Insanity('s) capacity abound(s).

Ok, first strophe... a few typo's like "breath" and "cartilage". What I found overused were your 'ing' verbs... so I tried to chop a few out. Having too many sounds too... forced... there's more impact by cutting them out. Dunno where I read this, but it's something to think about. Last line I had major trouble with-- it's not really grounded in anything I can understand from an abstract point of view: how does the capacity of insanity abound? Does insanity have a certain capacity? You don't tell me... so it's rather abstract-nonsensical to me.

Causeless,
pursuit chaotic uneager to commence;
numbed by the fear of death inflicted not received.
Care to kill danger gone.
No threat to please retaliation,
continuation of your will dynamic.
Worse for less, past committed.

Second line of this strophe-- what? Pursuing chaos which is uneager to commence? This whole strophe is too wordy... try and strip it back so that the reader knows what you're talking about. Sure, I understand every word here, but together it's just a jumble to me that makes hardly any sense. I'm being completely honest here. Inverted syntax when not needed makes this sound overly complicated too.

Violent variables in this vengeful equation
suggest problematic solution.
Memories could not swallow.
Thoughts that should have been laid to rest,
I must now bury beyond.
Inhume indefinately.
Overkill over you.

Good use of alliteration in the first line of this strophe... but again, too much of a mouthful that doesn't really suggest much. Ground this poem in more imagery, more detail instead of high-blown words strung together making it sound fancy with no underlying basis to it. Last line is awkward. Original, but awkward.

Mirror of self-discovery
reflect(s) back on indiscretion;
the stern, silver eyes impale you on mistakes.
Dire and pointless, carrying over wrongs:
worth everything taken for your peace.
You say () I don't have to,
but you('re) not saying don't.

Take out pointless connectives if it hinders your flow... likewise, add them in if it aids the flow. Here, I don't think it's needed. Another 'ing' verb could be chopped/condensed down to its basic property. The last two lines of this strophe changes views... you meant to, right? It's awkward... I suppose it just comes from nowhere.

When love is murder,
broken hands spawn blood tides.
Three words measure infinite truth.
So desperate to pull you out:
To purge you of the flea
projecting such shadows on thought.
Don't hide the itch.
Disburden delivered.

What are these three words? Details, details... give me more... ground this poem with analogies, metaphors yes, but give me something real to compare it with.

We cannot walk on happiness
with him cemented in your shoes.
Let hate's hammer arc
and powder insignificance.
Emphatic granulation at it()s place
beneath your feet.

No apostrophe need in "it's" as it isn't meant to be the shortened version of "it is". Picky, yes I know. The first two lines of this last strophe is what I've been talking about all along. I can picture a shoe and cement... which you use as an analogy for unhappiness. This is something I can picture, something that makes sense... and is directly worded.

The overall problem I have are the excessive bumfluff words that comes off as trying to impress. Don't think I'm hating here... I'm offering you complete honesty. We're all different when it comes to writing, which I know... but these are my thoughts. In all your poems you have a tendency to be verbose: some like that, I don't... because I don't see the reason for it. It alienates the reader to some extent, when something simpler could be found.

Again, take whatever works for you and ditch the rest. You wanted something substantial in commentary, so here it is. I'm not usually this harsh anymore lol, but I figured you wanted a kick up the bum... to tell you everything to help you improve.

Here's a couple of sites if you're interested, by the way:
http://www.firesides.net/poemtips.htm
http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry/
-- That first one is especially good I think... really helpful.

So, there you go... I deliberately went for a poem with the least comments... I figured you'd appreciate it more.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  This did have many different directions. Yet it was kind of a cleansing dark write. Even though it had such darkness there was a hope in the background. A light that was making one self analyze their own doings, actions, and self.

I liked the power of it. It was obvious to tell that you got into one of them philosophical zones and let it take over the mind and the pen.

I commend such a piece. You state a depression....yet also an answer at the end. You resolved all of the friction.....

This was a very good write! Impressed is I!

Much love,

Li Li
| Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
  I won't make this too long because you already have a bunch of long comments. I thought it was realy interesting, thought provoking. The only thing that puzzled me was
"You say that I don't have to,
but you are not saying don't."
I was puzzled because it states you say I DON'T have to. Wouldn't that kind of contradict the next line. That was the only puzzling tihng that i found, Other than tha,t I found it interesting, beyond my yeares perhaps.
~Caotic~
| Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
  I rather liked this poem, as with all your work, but this one seemed to have a little more to it. You're right about the flow, the first time you read it, it can be a little off, or seem a little odd, but after you get used to it it works so well.

Your descriptions and images here brought up a few things in my head, although, they're rather melancholy. They were portrayed with experties throughout this poem; I really got the idea of suffering. Maybe the shared experiences/memories of a loved one?

When first reading this pome, I really wasn't sure what it had meant, (not saying that I fully understand your meaning of it now) but when I got to the first two lines of the last stanza it all made sense, and formed what I thought the poem meant.

When reading this the next few times this was my intrepretation of the stanzas:

Bone cage, absent of light;
the darkness departs with each breathe.
A view universal through my ribs,
incarcerating cartiledge closing in.
Suffocating unexposed savagery
confined in kind restraints,
decidely removed from innocent sight.
Insanity capacity abounding.

The first line oculd be the description of your mind, and the darkness could be the sanity that's slowly escaping [considering the last line of the stanza] I'm not all quite sure about the third and fourth line, but the alliteration in the fourth line, seems to add taste to the stanza. The fifth and sixth line could be the weight your suffering under from the shared, past experiecnes of a loved one, hecne the 'kind restraints'. The seventh line depticting how you hide this pain from the loved one-- 'innocent sight' And it's slowly driving away your sanity.

Causeless,
pursuit chaotic uneager to commence;
numbed by the fear of death inflicted not received.
Care to kill danger gone.
No threat to please retaliation,
continuation of your will dynamic.
Worse for less, past committed.

Your use of fragments here kind of leave me a picture to put together. This reminds me of a bunch of thoughts being put together, maybe lost memories ? This could be when you're sanity is completely gone and your lost trying to make sense of these experiences. The last line, kind of shows how even though they're bad memories/experiences they're in the past and you're trying to not let them bother you.

Violent variables in this vengeful equation
suggest problematic solution.
Memories could not swallow.
Thoughts that should have been laid to rest,
I must now bury beyond.
Inhume indefinately.
Overkill over you.

The first two lines suggest that you're able to think logically now, as you're trying to maybe put a rationale to something you're thinking of doing. Maybe something that will hopefully put a rest to the memories and experiences of you and the loved one. The next four lines can suggest what you have to plough through to try and fianlly bury these thoughts. The last line topping it off well, although, I am unsure of the meaning at the moment.

Mirror of self-discovery
reflecting back on indiscretion;
the stern, silver eyes impale you on mistakes.
Dire and pointless, carrying over wrongs:
worth everything taken for your peace.
You say that I don't have to,
but you are not saying don't.

This stanza reminds me of you looking into a mirror, or yourself and being your own critic-- harsh and impaling, so you said. ALso, after earlier tlaking about this poem, you also said it means reviewing ovetr things you've done, which makes a lot more sense that what I origianlly thought of, considering the next few lines. The fourth and fifth lines being the things you'd do for your lovers 'peace' and happiness. The last two lines raelly really remind me of how I answer things ; all too well. To all different sorts of questions [hehe]. It's truely a great line though, rather open ended.

When love is murder,
broken hands spawn blood tides.
Three words measure infinite truth.
So desperate to pull you out:
To purge you of the flea
projecting such shadows on thought.
Don't hide the itch.
Disburden delivered.

I believe this stanza depicts maybe the rough side of relationships, abuse and such, hence 'when love is murder' The way you described it actually works quite well, especially with the next two lines that work with it. Although, Im kind of getting teh idea that the third line goes with the next three, which I undoublty like. It could seen as phsical rescuing, or mental, whether it be from memories [which has been the continuous theme throughout the poem, so I think] or the actual situation of an abusive relationship [if that's what it's even about] I love your descriptions. The last two lines really top it off well, again. It's as if you're provoking your loved one to loose the memories/leave the relationship [the first one moreso]. 'Don't hide the itch' shows how you know they want to forget about the pain, and relieve them of this weight. Most definitely charming.

We cannot walk on happiness
with him cemented in your shoes.
Let hate's hammer arc
and powder insignificance.
Emphatic granulation at it's place
beneath your feet.

Finally, this stanza is where I sort of felt a personal connection, thet first two lines mainly, and I think you'd understand why. I beleive it's the final saying to helping your loved one loose these memories, pain and this weight to finally be helped to happiness. The third line kind of gives me a sense of motion with the word 'arc' and 'powder' also adds to the insignificance, that being the person who's haunting you and your loved one. And the final lines, showing how they're beneath your loved one now, no longer attached, but disconnected and proved insignificant. It was a great ending to this piece.

Overall, I really did like what you though would take away from the poem-- the fragments, strangeness and so you said lack of flow. And admittedly, the flow was a little harsh sometimes, but once you've read it over a few times, it's engraved in your mind. My only suggestion may be going over some of the lines, I believe a few words mgiht've been misplaced.

Like:

pursuit chaotic uneager to commence;
Could maybe be

[A] [/pursuit] chaotic [pursuit] uneager to commence;

The way you've written it seems as if it's jumbled a bit, and as much as it works with the stanza, it may take away from the overall concentration of the rest of the piece. ie: the reader is stuck reading that line over a few times, rying to piece it together correctly, ultimately, taking away from their concentration on the rest of the piece? I'm not entirely sure, just a suggestion.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this poem, I really did enjoy it. And everything written here was solely my opinion [if not, otherwise stated] and may be totally off! It's just the way the poem struck me...

I also thought, that the whole poem, when reading it over, up until the last stanza could be abou yourself tryin to get rid of these thoguhts you have abou your own expeirnces and memories which could veryt well be haunting you. Whether it be a rotten relationship with a lover, family member or friend... it can be quite openeneded. Although, maybe not, considering the narration. NEvermind, sorry.

I truly enjoyed this piece, look forward to reading more, as always! Take care. I love you <3

| Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by Rask | [ Reply to This ]
  So.. I read this about three or four times now, but most of this work still is unclear to me. Like you said in your description, I fiound this hard to follow.
Ok.. So whatever I get out of your poem is this:
You have this girl, who's got a bad ex or something. In order to start a new future with her, you both have to work on laying bad memories to rest. You are willing to help her, but she doesnt really know how you can.
Changes will however have to be made.. It's so hard to help her out, but you'll do all it takes. She's got to get over 'him' [I guess her ex]
In order to pick up and start a new life again.
I might be completely wrong, but I had a good time trying to interpret your words.
About the flow.. It is not really a constant one, but it isnt disturbing if you ask me.
I like your word use, though sometimes might have been too dificult for me.. [you must think i'm stupid by now, lol]
Your use of stylistic devices is also good. I've seen alliteration more tan once, and some good rhyming and assonance.

This was an interesting piece,

Janneke

| Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]

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