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Set me free


Author: Darth Zeus
ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369 /226 /34
Words: 110
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1794
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 759



Description:


inspired by Trivium, kinda.


Set me free



I still hear
The way you told me goodbye
Hurting my ears, made them deaf
for only those words still resound
And nothing else is heard.

I remember
Tears, fall down my face,
blinding my sight, made it blur
then moistening my cheeks again,
the very last time I cried.

I recall
the blood, running down my arms
in a disturbing, yet peaceful pace.
a memory painted in crimson,
A masterpiece was born.

I hide
Everything that reminds me of you
All the scars you left me behind.
The only thing you ever gave,
And now I’ve cut you out

set me free




Submitted on 2006-06-18 14:53:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I read this a few days ago, and thought I left a comment, I guess I wrong. Okay, this was good. I liked the formation of the poem. Your flow was nice. As for details needing work, I think Jason touched on them already. Overall, this was very good. Just use Jason's tips to make it better. Now go to sleep!

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, are these song lyrics? I ask that question because they do actually sound like that if you add a few more words and a tune to it. Now if you were supposed to make this into lyrics then you should put "set me free" after all the stanzas. After the last stanza you should like it repeat set me free.

Now I know that this is mean to be a poem. At the beginning of each stanza you have a prounoun and a verb. The verbs can be either bad or good. In this case, they choose to be bad. When you say the stanza to yourself you do get the feeling that somone is saying goodbye and is making you deaf or that you remember the wet tears your cried. The descriptive words make things feel so reel. I can really feel the emotion and things happening to me. This is what poetry is supposed to be about, feelings both emotional, and physical.

But can you please tell me why you choose the title and the ending to be "Set me free?" Other than that, I can feel what you felt with your words.
| Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Finnigan | [ Reply to This ]
  I still hear[,]
[the] way you told me goodbye[,]
hurting my ears, you made them deaf[.]
[Only] those words still resound in my head[,]
[there] nothing else is heard.

I remember[,]
[the] tears, falling down my face,
blinding my sight[,]
then moistening my cheeks again
the very last time I cried.

I recall[,]
the blood, running down my arms
in a disturbing, yet peaceful pace.
[A] memory painted in crimson,
[a] masterpiece was born[!]

I hide[,]
[everything] that reminds me of you,
[all] the scars you left me behind.
The only thing you ever gave,
[and] now I’ve cut you out

Set me free!

set me free...

Okay those are some changes that I suggest.
You can take or leave them that up to you.
I offer these changes because they can the parts of the tone or read, making it read slower and thus more subtly and added some exclaimations for better expression and such.
I also added a few words to improve on the flow in some parts but that merely my opinion.

As it concerns the write, that is it theme, you already know my opinion on that but for your sake I'll say it again

"STOP!"

"SEEK HELP!"

That said, I enjoyed reading, like all your poetry.
Keep at it my friend
and take care

Be happy

Jason
| Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, Janekke. Sad, and depressing, this was. But to tell you the truth, I felt that this lacked something. The ending was a little unoriginal. I didn't like the idea of ending with those lines, as it has been used several times in other poems. However, you did use some powerful words in the main content and that should make up for it. And since you say this is a real memory, I do not see why I am critisizing it. Overall, this was a good expression.


Abbas
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  I just love the last stanza... Gives more sense to what I've done to myself over time... It's so hard to be free of others' memories...
| Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by Saaber | [ Reply to This ]
  beautiful.... the 'set me free' just really made me love this. i used to cut, so long ago that you can't even barely see the scars anymore... but that's what it used to be for me, freedom.
i couldn't control anything that was going on in my life, not even decisions that directly influenced me and it was terrible. i felt so helpless to everything else except for that... what i could do. it seems i almost had to do it to prove to myself that i was still in control, that i could still be me.... lol, kind of silly.

anyhow, sorry to go off on a tangent in your piece, but it's very nicely done janneke, you're a frickin' awesome writer

-jess
| Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
  
I remember
Tears, fall down my face,
blinding my sight, made it blur
then moistening my cheeks again,
the very last time I cried.

I liked this stanza simply because it could happen to anybody out there.. I don't agree with your tactics but everybody has to cope in this f ucked up world...

You have beautifully put into words what other people your age go through everyday..

Nice job and i to think that this piece would be nice if it would be lyrics..

Keep going
Solemn
AKA Cade
| Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Janneke,

This piece makes me sad...Very very sad because i am on a verge of a breakup. I mean it didn't happen yet, but the way i feel, it's best that it did happen. Yet if it doesn't, I feel like you right now, wanting to cut myself to feel the pain elsewhere and not in my heart. I'm hurting because he doesn't get me and doesn't trust me and i can't live with that. I wanna be free from pain right now and i want to do something about it but whatever i am thinking of it's not right...I hate it....Anyhow, i really don't feel like bashing this thing out...Feeling pretty down right now and this piece kinda reminding me of how down i really am being with this person as well as without.

Anyhow, take care....Hope to see you soon.

Irina
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


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