Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blow out your Candlesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ollie_wicked
    ASL Info:    27?FEarth
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 320/200/91
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 887



    Description:
       umm, yea. i wrote this on my birthday...and i think i could have done better...
    if you think so too, then where?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlow out your Candlesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Today's the day,
    I'm growing old and up.
    I shedding another year away.
    Hold my hair as i up chuck.

    If i shed the past year,
    It dosen't mean it's gone.
    If i shed anther ter,
    It doesn't mean i'm done.

    So blow out your candles,
    there goes my youth
    there goes my life
    my childhood.

    If i shed my last year
    Will i still be the same?
    If my wet cheeks smear
    Will i forever hold this shame?

    There goes who i was,
    She's lying on the floor.
    I'll do what everyone does.
    I'll grow up to be somthing more.

    Good-bye my young self.
    I'll leave you in the picture book on the shelf.
    And walk into my new life
    if only i could grow out of all this strife.




    Submitted on 2006-06-19 00:58:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      T_T that's so sad, I miss you so much, and the worst part is, only close friends and people who truly know you will even understand this.
    LYLAS
    (love you like a sister)
    <3 forever
    Rose Macabre
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Queen_of_spades | [ Reply to This ]
      This was okay. On a scale from one to ten I would rate it about a 5 1/2.

    Likes: I like the topic.
    It is easy to relate to.

    Dislikes: The rhyming throws the flow off.
    Like Alyra said sometimes you rhyme and sometimes you don't.
    When you do it seems forced in some areas.
    Ex: the last stanza

    Sorry that the dislikes over-run the likes. If you revise this let me know. :D

    LeAnna
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      i dunno.not quite up there..like u were holding back some sort of depreication or something.. i dunno.i didnt really like the 4th line..i think the F bomb wouldve been better for this is u could work it in a line but at the risk of sounding like im needy for obscenities i only suggest it as an alternate line because the flow on that one seems weird.
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]
      This was good. Its missing some punctuation and has a few misspelled words, but thats nothing to cry over. The meaning was clear and I know I could relate. When I "celebrated" my birthday a couple months ago I felt the same way. The birthday that really made me feel that way was my 16th though. You really do feel like you have changed into a completely different person after your middle school years are over. I suppose you do hehe. It isn't fair to assume that all humans should give up the child in them when they get to a certain age. I think later tonight I will go play in the sprinklers lol. I hope you keep writing, you did wonderful on this one. Keep the child inside you alive!
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by precious_poetry | [ Reply to This ]
      this is pretty good. i kno what u mean about having to leave part of yourself behind and having to move on and grow up. in all i think it was a really good poem. one thing that kind of got to me was your inconsistant rhyme. sometimes it was there, sometimes it wasnt. but that may have been what u wanted. anyway, good write and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Alyra | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    107624

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry