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A summer day


Author: Gannondalf
ASL Info:    38 M Oregon
Elite Ratio:    8 - 145 /24 /13
Words: 297
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1210
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1919



Description:


This piece is about the impressions of life. That stand the test of time. Also about a very good frined of mine who passed away 2 yrs ago. I am sure I will go back and touch up a bit from time to time. I also am looking for a good touch up program spelling Punction and so on. Feel free to comment. Comments are always welcome. ty


A summer day



Memories of green grass,
Imprinted on the earth.
The people we've known,
the treasures we've shared.
Once a smile,
now forever a stare.
The echoing sounds
of a babbling brook,
or the sounds in our head,
of the laughter we've took.
It is understandably why,
that the green grass holds and yet hides a print.
I belive that is how time is meant.
To go about it's way and leaves an occasional dent.
To hold and yet hide the impression's that were made,
They took their place and forever stayed
There is so much beneath the surface,
of the green grass imprinted skin.
It takes gentle wind.
Soft rain, weathered laughter to see within.
A warm summers day or a mothers touch,
can never be explained or written.
Fore within their is so much.
I remember where and when,
the imprints were always made.
I remember the laugher that stayed.
The ones I've allowed to leave a good impression,
upon my soul.
Stand on the flowing grass.
A place to me that is protected,
from the bitter cold.
A place pass the dense forest and gnarled trees.
A flowing green meadow,
with the slightest breeze.
On a warm summer day.
With the laughter and the treasures,
that have helped me to become this way,
help me to sail off to this sacred place.
This meadow I hold dear,
it's never far, always near.
This is not a place of sorrow nor tear.
A place of joy, and good cheer.
Your Son's footsteps, I am proud to say,
have carried with them a warm summer day.
Forever in the green meadow, Forever we'll stay.

Dedicated to: Jake and his dear sweat mother Judy. aka a summer day




Submitted on 2006-06-19 06:12:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This will be lovely, it needs to be fixed a little and I ran past some repition but the good is really good

"I belive that is how time is meant.
To go about it's way and leaves an occasional dent."

"I remember the laugher that stayed.
The ones I've allowed to leave a good impression,
upon my soul."

these are very well written.

Swanne
| Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
  "of the laughter we've took."
it would either be "we've taken" (which won't rhyme) or "we took"

This particular bunch of lines are definitely my favorite in your poem:
that the green grass holds and yet hides a print.
I belive that is how time is meant.
To go about it's way and leaves an occasional dent.
To hold and yet hide the impression's that were made,
They took their place and forever stayed
There is so much beneath the surface,
of the green grass imprinted skin.
It takes gentle wind.
Soft rain, weathered laughter to see within.
That's such a deep, poetic thing to say, and so beautifully put. The imagery of the grass, which to me means something like ripe young life, is spot-on. I don't even have to fully comprehend this piece to enjoy it because your wording is so pretty.
Another commentor said that you use the word "green" excessively; I think it's fine the way it is, because you're keeping cohesion and unity in the piece. Plus it reminds me of that Garcia Lorca poem that goes like, "verde que te quiero verde" and just describes everything under the sun as green. ^_^

Some lines, however, are a bit cliché..
"With the laughter and the treasures,
that have helped me to become this way,"
There's gotta be a less hallmark way of saying this line.
Also this line looks like it's only there to rhyme with "dear"--
it's never far, always near.

Also, in the dedication, you spelled the word "sweet" wrong.

But overall, this is a wonderfully written poem. Only other suggestions would be to break it into stanzas to make it easier to tackle.

oh and great s/n... Legend of Zelda meets LOTR? Whee fun!!
| Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a nice poem. It captures the day very well with your words as well as being a wonderful heartfelt tribute to your lost friend. Losing someone you care for is never easy, I have lost many in my life and it is such a hard thing to deal with. But this poem really brings to life both your friendship and your feelings. Your imagery throughout this poem is also quite good and the only nitpick I have here is the repetition of the adjective "green". You use it to describe the grass, and the meadow and is frequent throughout this poem. I would suggest something different to describe the meadow or even instead of green, to use a specific color of green, just to break up that repetition. Otherwise its a lovely poem. Nice work. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  "Once a smile,
now forever a stare."


I like those lines. They touch a number of surfaces that deal longing, hopefulness and, ultimately, acceptance.

Now, as much as I admire the element of tenderness in your piece, I think that it needs a serious make-over. There were a lot of typos that range from dence to beneith. And there were lines like "it's never far always near" that don't live up to the quality of the ones that accompany them. But perhaps that's just me.

Anyway...

Your piece definately has a lot of potential. It flows with the summer-warmth of a friend.

I just think it needs a little polishing.
| Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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