I like the way this is written, opened to various interpretations. You want to know what this made me think off. It made me think of someone close to me, who died 6 years ago, and I’m mourning and fighting to survive. And becoming so selfish and bitter that sometimes I’m ashamed of myself. I’m living yet I’m dead inside. There is no epitaph on her grave, but I have feeling like every day, I’m adding a new word on my epitaph, and it is quite “a disappointing epitaph disgracing proud memories
I actually think you don't need to add anymore to this at all. I understood the blankness of knowing someone who you thought you knew after reading this. And personally I thought you left "of...." open because you wanted us to refer back to the title..."waste". Which fits by the way. :) I also think, if you wanted to, you could change the format up a bit. Maybe: "you are exoskeletal remains
dry and drained
brittle
(damn the bleaching sun)
I found you pale, spectral:
a disappointing epitaph disgracing proud memories
of...."
But really, that's a personal thing. It works well either way. Just throwing out some more ideas for ya in the future. :) Overall this is a nice short piece. A lot of times writers try to concentrate so much on the amount of words in something that they forget their main focus in the piece anyway. I like short writes. :) Good job.
Hey, I think you got across what you were trying to say on the whole, it certainly creates the right visuals. Two things that I would change however.
1) 'dry and drained' pretty much say the same thing so to me it was like you're repeating yourself, if you go 'drained dry .......and brittle' that simple change of structure brings those lines to life.
2) and finally instead of the abrupt cut off which is maybe too abrupt, you could change it to 'of us' which would bring a nice sense of closure but still leave an air of enigma. That only counts if you're not planning to add to it ofcourse.
Just my thoughts though, it was pretty cool nice word choices that fit well into the theme.
Wow...doesn't Bill have a way with words? Insightful guy.
I'm gonna have to fave this. I love short-form poems. I find that all that's best of poetry, is especially apparent if a short-form poem is well written. There isn't a lot of room to wiggle, so the poem must take some sharp turns....and quickly.
I think the conciseness of this write could further be enhanced by nixxing some of the punctuation...and relying on only line breaks to accomplish the caesura you are aiming for. I also must nitpick leaving the one 'and' hanging out on the end of that line, and would personally recommend moving it down once.
Here...
"you are exoskeletal remains drained dry... and brittle
(damn the bleaching sun)
I found you pale spectral a disappointing epitaph disgracing proud memories
of . . .
Minor nitpicks...probably only a matter of personal taste...flavor.
I don't think you need to add, I think you need to focus. And don't worry about whether anyone understands what you meant. Neither be concerned if someone brings away their own totally different idea. Here is how I would do it:
you are an arsenic lobster drained , dry and ... brittle
I found you, sunwashed beached and pale, ghostly: an unsattisfactory epitaph defaming my memories.
Really, I haven't changed this too much in form, but by changing the words, using synonyms, I have changed the implications a great deal. Maybe it still says more or less what you meant, or maybe not. I don't mean for you to use my words, but check if you might not find other words, more specific words to focus this into your own distinct message.
"you are exoskeletal remains drained, dry and ... brittle
(damn the bleaching sun)
I found you pale, spectral: a disappointing epitaph disgracing proud memories
of . . ."
As with all writes of this type, clarity is the measure of how effectively brevity has displayed the theme. As a vignette, as a metaphor for perspective in relationship (and the ceaseless battle between rose-colored, warm fuzzies and the harsh realities of broad daylight), this write has accomplished everything asked of it. If the post was intended to say more, however, you may consider the Sandburg solution and utilize adjectives and illustrations in a series of other posts (of which this would serve as an introduction).
Submission Name: waste
