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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Asleep at a Wakedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1169
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 911



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAsleep at a Wakedots
    -------------------------------------------


    He fell asleep at a wake,
    and his dreams were equally ironic.
    For a few hours, he relived the dead man's blues.
    He sat reading wretched manuscripts in a gray cubicle,
    drove home in his ragged car
    until he was suddenly transported.

    He felt the butcher knife penetrate his back, his stomach, his chest.
    He felt the hot blood run on thin, naked skin in the February cold
    as the men spat in his face yelling "Die fag."
    As he drew the now lifeless man's last breath,
    his mind ripped his lids apart like bread boxes flung open by hungry obnoxious children.
    His breath was as intoxicating as a drug.
    He stared ashamed at the wounds on his wrists vowing not to perform any more amateur surgeries to remove his formerly malignant life.

    Sometimes you have to die to learn how to live.




    Submitted on 2006-06-19 11:25:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like the more prosy style...this really is different...almost like suicide attempts...and he is reflecting as he is killed...paying for falling asleep at the wake..and taking on the other man's dreams...or he is reliving the other man's death...

    i especially like the line with the bread boxes and the obnoxious children...very very clever...but it does not surprise me that i would find lines like that in your works...you have so many of them...and they all feel so natural---never contrived.
    | Posted on 2011-07-15 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, I have never read this and it was quite a thought provoker. I liked the whole premise that when you see life through another's eyes,you are more open to change your life. (Kin of like Scrooge and his 3 ghosts)

    I would consider creating a third strophe,--right after "Die Fag!"to further far the transition back to reality. I loved the bread box eye-lids too, though the part about the obnoxious children might be too comic for the theme here. (The jury is out at the moment on that, lol)

    As Usual, interesting food for thought and entertaining.
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Amy,

    I like the contrasts in this, the butcher knife in the back compared to slicing one's own wrists.

    My mind slides to images of self hate projected onto another. Seeing it in ourself is the ultimate insight.

    To die before we live is an ancient theme in many mystic traditions. It is caputred well her.

    Nice Work!

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I think the trick is to survive through your last death and maybe not accomplish it. To have dreamed it as he did and then
    be reminded of the consequences suffered.

    It drives us to the soul of ourselves and yet reminds me how little we suffer really. How lucky we are and how much we take for granted, that is how it rings for me.

    Thanks for being Amy, quite glad you're around my dear,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      "Sometimes you have to die to learn how to live."

    That statement is very true. I also believe that your life changes when someone you know and love dies. That's when you realize that life can end at any given moment or time. I like that this piece is a new beginning for the man who fell asleep at the wake. It's a very interesting idea I must say. You did a great job with transitions and imagery. :) Good piece hun. I liked it. It got your message out there smoothly.

    Hugs and love sis!

    Bethany
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Amy,

    Just looking through and thought i'd read this piece...
    The most amazing line was the very last one. To be honest, i was kinda sailing throughout the entire piece because i didn't really know what to expect and i really didn't know what to picture and although as i was reading it line by line, it was hard for me to picture it. But still, the very last sentence brought everything to life and i felt as though the piece went flashing down in front of me just like life usuallly flashes in front of your eyes before you die.

    I agree with the statement...Couldn't be more true with those people who cannot realize that what is happening to them is wrong and it needs to be changed...

    I do hope to see more from you if i have the time...You have some interesting thoughts...

    Do take care....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Amy, I think this really needs either more in it or more line breaks. It's a huge story in such a small piece that it's almost too much to take in.

    The title and first stanza is just perfect, ironic. realistic and clever.

    Then, as the dream of the dead man hits graphically, the reader has to take the images in, look at a social issue, and suddenly see this man's redemption in the space of one stanza.

    The last moral was cool. I actually liked the whole thing, but was a bit overwhelmed because everything happened so quickly, maybe...

    An excellent concept, and well done

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      you still sound like you...
    this is a glorious thing!
    i havent checked you out in AGES (and im really sorry about that!)

    i like this...
    i like the irony of him sleeping at the funeral but also the irony of his dreams... of everything...
    the irony of life i seldom lost on me...

    to fall asleep at a funeral is one thing...
    (my dad accompanied me to my first ever catholic mass when i was 18 and when they all go up the front for communion... thats when my dad informs me that if you dont like the person your sitting beside then you change seats... so im sitting in an old stone church and i burst out laughing...at a funeral none the less... gotta love my dad...) but to relive the death of the one of whos funeral you attend... thats pretty hardcore in itself...

    now obviously the clincher for me is this...
    this site has been killing me lately with all the blood blood blood bloody blood you know... my boyfriend left me for the 7th time today kinda stuff and in some ways THIS is a stab at THAT and i love it! i mean... i read these pieces and now i have no tolerance for them... im like dude... wanna borrow my shoes for a coupla minutes...? (not in a pity party jayde kinda way but more a you dont know what life is about right yet kinda way...) so i like the way that this is a positive way of addressing such things...

    Sometimes you have to die to learn how to live.

    this is profound in a million ways in my world...
    i mean for me theres a whole biblical element but then theres all kindsa deaths going on there you know... deaths of dreams or conceit or pride or the list is endless...

    ugh... you my girl are amazing...
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is extremely true
    As in a drug addiction I believe with Depression one needs to hit a form of rock bottom before they realize they despertly need help to achieve a happier life
    I know this is incredibly sad but in my Life and the Life of other depressed people I have dealt with it is very true
    You captures the emotion of depression extremely well In this
    Outstanding Job!!!
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It started out beautifully and ended the same, a note (maybe more a symphony) of truth. I liked every line in the poem, but I stumbled at the proximity of the two "open"s in the line:

    his mind ripped his lids open like bread boxes flung open by hungry obnoxious children.

    Reading it a bit slower, this second time, I actually think it sounds fine. A good piece dealing with an all too common topic. Good job.

    Justin
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      Amy,

    The style of this was a bit more prosey than I usually read from you, but it still has your touch of irony and of course that killer last line.

    I agree that sometimes being touched by death can make a person see life in a whole new light.
    | Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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