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Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 56
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 789
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 324


ooohh..... ghost girl..... scary.... hehe. I don't know, I think I still like this one. It's kinda like my other poem, "One shot at Death".


She stands there in the rain
Looking down at her feet
So scared and alone

She cries, but no one hears
She screams, but no one cares
she wants to go back home

But no body can see her
And she can't seem to move on
So by the bridge is where she roams

Submitted on 2006-06-19 13:55:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  My only spelling comment is that "nobody" is one word.

Your poem is a little... simplistic. And perhaps that is how you want it. But I think you could make more of this piece. You have some imagery there, but maybe adding some kind of metaphorical statement would give you a little more room to run with this.

I have also often felt a deep sense of aloneness, and I know this feeling is very painful. That degree of emotion can be expressed in many ways, and with more insight. How is it that you have come to this state of loneliness? What are you thinking in your time of isolation? Why does it pain you so much? These are all areas you can explore with this piece if you want to.

The writing isn't bad. It could be more, though. You can further develop your skills by making this piece into something a little deeper. But in the end it is for you to decide.
| Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]

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