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    dots Submission Name: Children Made of Clothdots

    Author: RedRoseofBlood
    ASL Info:    19/f/outsideyourwindow
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 592/582/135
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 1070
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 575


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChildren Made of Clothdots

    Silver spoons hang from gold encrested trees
    A view that inspires melodies
    Blooming flowers surround
    Not a prettier sight to be found
    Small embroidered forms lying in the tall soft grassy weeds
    Children made of cloth plead
    With us you must come play
    They beckon us with haste, shouting you must not delay
    So over we shall jaunt
    With treats they will taunt
    With cries we shall retreat
    Feelings of defeat
    We run away with glee
    From those naughty children who live under the tree

    Submitted on 2006-06-19 17:17:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      In the comment below, I forgot to talk about the word you invented and thank you for it. "Encrested". Not many people here seem to invent words deliberately, so it's probably a "mistake" but here's a guy that doesn't really think so! It would mean "decorated with a crest" but I don't think it's in the dictionaries. You could have written just "crested" for that, except then the line's euphony called out that extra syllable! And it sounds like "encrusted'" or "incrusted" which is also about decorations ... sometimes poets find a word that works like that, and sometimes they invent one - which (when it works) I specially love to see!
    | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I havn't read the other comments yet ... I think this is the best of your poems I've read yet because it uses a technique that I just love. The whole poem is a little story presented as visual imagery: it can be read straight off and taken quite literally without having to sort out any tricky bits. But then I immediately wondered : "children of cloth"? The phrase intrigued me and pulled me in to start with (it is so obvious yet so original!) and by the end of the poem, it's still intriguing and puzzling me, with the addition that the poem's explanation of it is so not a drama - just a bit of home video with the dolls. I feel the poem as a whole is a figure, a metaphor for something more general that happens amongst folk; but I don't quite get it - what is this about?? Experience tells me that an answer will dawn on me when I remember the poem some other time: something will remind me of it, and then the memorable imagery will have a personal meaning for me. That's just the sort of life of its own that we want a poem to have - do you agree? Anyway, I think I must like it eh?
    | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      For some reason, maybe because I read the comments that came before mine, but there's darkness to the whimsy. And that's always really cool and awesome.

    However, the actually form and structure... all the technical stuff.... it almost feels forced. Like you're trying too hard. It almost feels like you deliberately sat down and thought very carefully about what imagery to use and what sort of rhyming scheme to use. And I think it's because there's a whole lot of effort seemingly put into rhyming and imagery but not a whole lot in metre. Like you're trying for that idea of poetry so often touted as the right way to do it but you've only come half way.

    It would have sounded better (to me) if you had just let it flow. But I'm really in no place to say because I decided long ago that all the technical stuff was over rated.
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by little_theif | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem creeps the crap out of me. o__o;; What were you on when you wrote it? Lmao, not one of my favorites, but it's not bad or anything. I love you and stuff yes yes yes.
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by DreamofOrganon | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really beautiful, but breaking it into stanzas would make it so much better. I usually just write not paying attention to the form. You might be the same way. But anyways I loved the imagery in this, it's very intresting. great work budday<3
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by atonement | [ Reply to This ]
      Well...it was definately interesting to say the least. lol. I was just glad you was not tearing someone apart again. lol. I was not sure of your meaning Leanne. I liked the wording, and was proud of your imagery, but your meaning was to elusive for me to understand. I loved the title, that was just plain cool. If you can tell me what you meant by this, I'm sure I will get more out of this one. Overall, good work, but to vague.

    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, my opinion is that you break this in to two different stanzas because you can really tell when you change naratives. But this is amusing, though i have to say that the title made me expect something darker. But i like it anyway :).
    | Posted on 2006-06-19 00:00:00 | by Jakirina | [ Reply to This ]

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