Children Made of Cloth -------------------------------------------
Silver spoons hang from gold encrested trees
A view that inspires melodies
Blooming flowers surround
Not a prettier sight to be found
Small embroidered forms lying in the tall soft grassy weeds
Children made of cloth plead
With us you must come play
They beckon us with haste, shouting you must not delay
So over we shall jaunt
With treats they will taunt
With cries we shall retreat
Feelings of defeat
We run away with glee
From those naughty children who live under the tree
In the comment below, I forgot to talk about the word you invented and thank you for it. "Encrested". Not many people here seem to invent words deliberately, so it's probably a "mistake" but here's a guy that doesn't really think so! It would mean "decorated with a crest" but I don't think it's in the dictionaries. You could have written just "crested" for that, except then the line's euphony called out that extra syllable! And it sounds like "encrusted'" or "incrusted" which is also about decorations ... sometimes poets find a word that works like that, and sometimes they invent one - which (when it works) I specially love to see!
I havn't read the other comments yet ... I think this is the best of your poems I've read yet because it uses a technique that I just love. The whole poem is a little story presented as visual imagery: it can be read straight off and taken quite literally without having to sort out any tricky bits. But then I immediately wondered : "children of cloth"? The phrase intrigued me and pulled me in to start with (it is so obvious yet so original!) and by the end of the poem, it's still intriguing and puzzling me, with the addition that the poem's explanation of it is so not a drama - just a bit of home video with the dolls. I feel the poem as a whole is a figure, a metaphor for something more general that happens amongst folk; but I don't quite get it - what is this about?? Experience tells me that an answer will dawn on me when I remember the poem some other time: something will remind me of it, and then the memorable imagery will have a personal meaning for me. That's just the sort of life of its own that we want a poem to have - do you agree? Anyway, I think I must like it eh?
For some reason, maybe because I read the comments that came before mine, but there's darkness to the whimsy. And that's always really cool and awesome.
However, the actually form and structure... all the technical stuff.... it almost feels forced. Like you're trying too hard. It almost feels like you deliberately sat down and thought very carefully about what imagery to use and what sort of rhyming scheme to use. And I think it's because there's a whole lot of effort seemingly put into rhyming and imagery but not a whole lot in metre. Like you're trying for that idea of poetry so often touted as the right way to do it but you've only come half way.
It would have sounded better (to me) if you had just let it flow. But I'm really in no place to say because I decided long ago that all the technical stuff was over rated.
This is really beautiful, but breaking it into stanzas would make it so much better. I usually just write not paying attention to the form. You might be the same way. But anyways I loved the imagery in this, it's very intresting. great work budday<3
Well...it was definately interesting to say the least. lol. I was just glad you was not tearing someone apart again. lol. I was not sure of your meaning Leanne. I liked the wording, and was proud of your imagery, but your meaning was to elusive for me to understand. I loved the title, that was just plain cool. If you can tell me what you meant by this, I'm sure I will get more out of this one. Overall, good work, but to vague.
Okay, my opinion is that you break this in to two different stanzas because you can really tell when you change naratives. But this is amusing, though i have to say that the title made me expect something darker. But i like it anyway :).