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Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 329
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 764
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2067


My mom loved this. I wrote it in 7th grade and submitted it to young ga authors. of course they didn't like it though, because it's so cliché... and frankly, too long.
But My mom liked it so it stays here.... I don't have the heart to delete it.


I walked down the street
late on a cold dark night
when all of a sudden
I felt somehting was not right

I could sense someone's presence
but I didn't turn around
I got scared and started to run
but I tripped and fell onto the ground

I struggled to get up
Then someone grabbed me from behind
My heart started to race
terrible thoughts raced through my mind

Whoever it was wouldn't let go
I kicked and screamed trying to get free
Their grip was so strong and hard
they would not let go of me

I kicked even harder
trying yet again to get free
I twisted and turned so much
that I soon became dizzy

Finally I broke their hold
and started to run fast
I was being followed again
I wondered how long it would last

I stopped to catch my breath
I could not run anymore
I then heard thunder in the sky
and soon the rain began to pour

I looked everywhere but could not see
noises came from all around
I sat down on the hard cement
listening to my heart pound

I could sence the same presence again
but everything was black
I felt scared and started to shake
I could no longer turn back

Then they finally found me again
and grabbed me from behind
I felt tired and scared
freezing, and blind

Freeing myself for a moment
I turned around in surprise
they had a mask on their head
covering everything but their eyes

I ran while I could, as they grabbed again
but I kicked them to the ground
I then pulled the mask right off of their head
startled by what I found

She was on the ground looking up at me
I stared in disbelief
for all this time I was running away
I was running and hiding from me

Submitted on 2006-06-19 21:29:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I'm very surprised no-one has commented on this poem. Perhaps they are all running from themselves ;-) I thought the idea in the poem was excellent, I found myself running with the person and wanting to hide from the one following! When I got to the end of your poem, I had to smile...clever, very clever! I think most of us have been in a situation like this, where we really wish we could get away from ourselves in some way and then we find ourselves running from something we should actually you have opened up my brain! lol

Although I don't think you should change the content of the poem as such, I think you could condense the lines a little so the rhyme scheme flows. I feel this is important in any poem but especially in a long one because you want to keep the reader hooked. For instance;

I could sense someone's presence
but I didn't turn around
I got scared and started to run
but I tripped and fell onto the ground

How about;

I could sense someone's presence
didn't turn around
I got scared, ran and tripped
Fell to the ground

Not perfect I know but just an idea.

The other thing is, 'but' or 'and' at the beginning of a line is usually unnessesary. If you read your poem, leaving out all the 'and's or 'but's you will see that you didn't need any of them at all.

Apart from a bit of tweaking here and there, I think your poem is great!

| Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]

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