I can see a shadow,
a dark shape of the night.
The evil demon sent,
to block my eyes from light.
The feeling of a demon,
or one of tourtured past,
will leave on you a mark,
one that's sure to last.
I am now that shadow,
sent to blur ones sight.
I will linger in the darkness,
that creates our night.
| I'm not sure about this one,its fine to use something like shadow if you intend to add to something thats been written about before but I dunno...this seemed pretty standard to me,I think its because theres a lack of images in the poem or the rhyming seems a tad forced.|
But I did like how the demon seems to be a metaphor for
the past (which was obviously a bad time) and it does seem to flow with good strength and speed except at the end,
the last two lines completely break the flow.
I'm not trying to bash this at all,I just think you could make it a much better piece if you expanded more.
|| Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ] || Yes another very good peice of work, but it would be much better if you put it in poem format, With doing this you can have yourself a good write, hope to read more of your almost wonderful work and I dont mean to sound mean, so dont take it the wrong way.|
|| Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by red passion | [ Reply to This ] || Nice work, especially with the flow and rhyming. I quite like this piece.||| Posted on 2006-07-16 00:00:00 | by Mothz | [ Reply to This ] || Well now i really like this piece. it is beautifly beautifly written! WOW! i really liked this one and WOW going on my favs!|
|| Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by BarleyBreathing | [ Reply to This ] || Even though the title was cliché' and a lot of people use it, it still went well with your poem. This seems like a vampire poem to me...but lately I can find anything vampiric in a poem due to the fact that I read nothing but vampire books :)|
Nothing needs to be added or taken away from this piece...I like it just the way it is. Nice flow too, by the way.
|| Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ] || i like it very much but i have seen a couple that are about the saame on other sites||| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by pegan90 | [ Reply to This ] |