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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: An Evil Stroke of Judgementdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Eagle
    ASL Info:    18, M, Australia
    Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 22/38/15
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 172
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 788



    Description:
       I got bored at the end of a test and wrote this; a short poem about the end of the world. Enjoy ^_^


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Evil Stroke of Judgementdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Death’s rancid breath
    Hurries to be free.
    Ice cold juggernaut,
    No respite does it seek.

    A melted skating rink
    Of colour long lost,
    Rears up as it is chased
    From earth’s jagged edge.

    A thousand little crystals;
    Tears from the heavens,
    Fall from grace
    Angered by reality.

    The curse of Lucifer
    Heaves from man’s step.
    Cast from fiery rock;
    Makes its home in the sky.

    Treasures of angels,
    Fuelled by the evils of sin,
    Rain with dragon tails
    And the roar of the lions den.

    Heavenly eye of Ra,
    Red with the fires of hell,
    Comes forth as the guillotine
    With an evil stroke of judgement.




    Submitted on 2006-06-20 05:12:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The end of the world. An eventuality that nobody predicts and everyone writes about once or twice.
    "an evil stroke of judgement" I always envisioned judgement to be just and fair in a world in which nothing is equitable.
    There's no rhyme for these short sentences, actually it would be better if there was, would flow better and charge the piece with a lot more "remember-ability" and meaning, rather than "oh, just another apocalyptic prediction".
    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting indeed.. I did notice a few things that you could fix, however they are all grammar and structure related..
    First, you have a strange mixture of rhyming and non rhyming in this that is rather confusing and makes the flow halting.. You also make the poem seem that it has a beat rhythym in it as the structure and you use that for half of it, but half of it doesn't match up either..
    The poem itself is really good, you just need to work on grammar and structure and maybe not add so much punctuation..
    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by Maskannai | [ Reply to This ]



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