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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jasmine!!!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    37, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 131/123/76
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1461
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 816



    Description:
       I was asked to write a poem about the flower Jasmine.
    So who am I to refuse..

    Not great but on 2 minutes research and a 3 minute poem I'm quite proud


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJasmine!!!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beyond paleness in colour and sweet to the nose
    Standing proud amongst the greenery
    Each petal rose to the starlight as if knowing of it's worth

    Each leaf quivered in it's mooring as if drinking the breeze

    A ladies flower, yet powerful in healing
    Absorbing solar fever with fervour
    Easing the lives of the gentle with its feminine touch

    Sweetening lives of the many with its softening scent


    With it's septangled pride in embrace of the wind
    Till t'is plucked by the hand of man
    To do its duty to us all as a herb, cure or trim

    To flavour the lives of the generation

    A prayer for the Jasmine, the Arabian miracle
    Our thanks to the sapor of the sweet!




    Submitted on 2006-06-20 12:49:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I assume you talk about Arabian Jasmine, Duke of Tuscany is a great cultivar, I believe it is Jasminum sambac...well off to the poem...the word rose threw me in the opening,
    "each petal reaching to the starlight"

    there was also the word " Beyond" which does not refer to anything.
    May i suggest:


    Standing proud amongst the greenery
    Each petal reaching to the starlight
    as if knowing of it's own worth
    beyond it's moon-pale petals
    a fragrance, sweet to the nose,
    given freely to the night air
    each leaf quivered in it's mooring
    as if drunk on the fulsome perfume.

    I'd change embrace to embracing
    change the generation to a generation

    So this is a good write, needingm, in my opinion a it of focus in the beginning and a little more allowing the rythm of your thoughts to fall naturally.
    You have done a good job in the center sectiopn, with septangled and other clever wordings. kept my interest..
    koster

    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]


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