Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lullabydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mr.Wednesday
    Elite Ratio:    2.67 - 5/12/5
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1361



    Description:
       Sci-fi kinda....i guess


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLullabydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lullaby

    Wes Hardin sits outside peeling his apple overlooking Roses Tavern.
    It's early morning on the farm;
    Behind this wired fence, Wes feels safe from harm.
    He sings his lullaby:

    Order, disorder; how far can we stretch the border?
    Structure and chaos canít you see beyond the payoff?
    Order, disorder, and chaos and payoff
    Order, disorder, and chaos and payoff

    In this farm fields line the walls, mile after mile.
    Incubators are plentiful
    Embryonic leaves sprout from wired branches
    The mechanical tree feeds them all the while.

    With his eyes closed Hardin pictures his son,
    His hero and his miracle.
    Wes listens for the beat of his stem-cell heart
    Father and son fighting together as one.
    He sings his lullaby:

    Order, disorder, how far can we stretch the border?
    Structure and chaos canít you see beyond the payoff?
    Order, disorder, and chaos and payoff
    Order, disorder, and chaos and payoff

    Years later Hardinís son will read his fatherís epitaph:

    Some say we have no right to play God.
    I guess they forgot that God was a father too.

    His son will smile and sing that lullaby anew.




    Submitted on 2006-06-20 13:59:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Why hello there Mr.Sir, nice to be of the writing to you a-gain.

    Now. I think I have a nit pick for this poem that I've already read (I love saying that!!!!)

    Don't capitalize every line.

    That's a personal pet peeve, so if you must, ignore it.

    Now. Is this of a particular form or was it a free-hand write? You got to tell me how many forms you know.

    Oh oh another one:

    "Wes Hardin sits outside peeling his apple overlooking Roses Tavern. "

    Since "Roses Tavern" is a name, try to keep it on one line, all together. Here you seem to have divided it...purpose unknown.

    "Wes listens for the beat of his stem-cell heart
    Father and son fighting together as one."

    Put a comma or a semi-colon after heart. It's not a whole sentence since your idea changes half-way in.

    And that's my analysis. I'm trying my best to be picky.
    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    107772

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    The World written by jjd
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    prison written by ShyOne
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Love written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry