For the politics are not political by orderly conduct

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: For the politics are not political dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	orderly conduct
Elite Ratio:	2.44 - 51/80/36
Words:	181

Class/Type:	Prose/Misc
Total Views:	1090
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	1016

Description:
Sufjan's lyrics provide me with titles. im either in love, dying or becoming what i hate the most. these things are barely writes, but just an entry or two.

For the politics are not political dots

-------------------------------------------

There’s that brief moment in which the whole goddamn world becomes clearer, more rigid, and stands completely still. Breathing becomes slowers, eyes can shut easily, and smells are pressed into each other. The softer our voices the more we can sleep. Time can only slip through our guesses and the weather. Its too cloudy out there, so save yourself from the streets and your friends. You are so lovely. So lovely. So lovely. With eyes half open and knees facing the ceiling. The fan is spinning, the windows are open, and the cardboard pictures of yourself stick to the walls with your sweat. A disregard to people and places can only make you sketch out the irrelevant life you’ve led. Crying quietly on your bed with umbrellas and cds at your side. And so they came to you. With light gestures and letters in the other hand. You've got to start drinking more water, breathing less empty space and fall asleep on the highwy. The lamps are dim, the rain is quiet and the room isn’t even there.

Submitted on 2006-06-21 00:18:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I really like the tone of this-- how it moves in a rather spasmodic yet relaxed way. It's articulate too-- well-composed with attention to detail that's really important, especially in prose I think.

I think that breaking this up into more manageable chunks would benefit this piece enormously... primarily for the readers so they know where your next 'ideas/emotions' start and end.

You have a few typos, but nothing major. Hmm... I broke it up and pointed out the little typo's... here...

There’s that brief moment in which the whole goddamn world becomes clearer, more rigid, and stands completely still(,) (b)reathing becomes slower(), eyes can shut easily, and smells are pressed into each other.

The softer our voices(,) the more we can sleep(;) (t)ime can only slip through our guesses and the weather. It(')s too cloudy out there, so save yourself from the streets and your friends.

You are so lovely. So lovely. So lovely. (Y)our eyes (are) half open and (your) knees (are) facing the ceiling. The fan is spinning, the windows are open, and the cardboard pictures of yourself stick to the walls with your sweat.

A disregard to people and places can only make you sketch out the irrelevant life you’ve led. Crying quietly on your bed with umbrellas and cds at your side(,) they came to you(--w)ith light gestures and letters in the other hand.

You've got to start drinking more water, breath(e) less empty space and fall asleep on the highw(a)y. The lamps are dim, the rain is quiet and the room isn’t even there.

I'm not sure about how I separated this but I did my best. There are a few parts that stick out to me as not quite smooth in transition...

First paragraph: after "still", making that still the same sentence with the use of a comma instead of a period works for me.

Second paragraph: a semi-colon after sleep makes this connect better to me-- which would mean uncapping "time".

Third paragraph: after the "you're so lovely parts"-- maybe it's because you start the next sentence with "with" which I would delete-- in my mind I heard it as "Your eyes are half open and your knees are facing the ceiling"-- see what I'm getting at?

Fourth paragraph: I think joining the last sentences together would help-- "with umbrellas and cds at your side, they came to you-- with light gestures"-- using a comma and an em-dash instead of two periods seems like how it should be read.

Fifth paragraph: I think changing "breathing" to "breathe" is grammatically smoother in the last paragraph.

One other thing: I'm not seeing how the title relates in any way to this, as there's no mention of politics at all-- perhaps you're talking about politics of the heart in relation to how you two interact with each other? That's sort of how I can apply the title to it. I think slightly modifying the title to have a more emotional tone to it would work wonders... but that's just my opinion.

Apart from these things I had to mention (which I went over rather thoroughly lol-- please don't be offended... I wouldn't invest my time in this if I didn't think it was worth it), I found it to be a beautifully rendered piece.

It's unique and vibrant.
Peace,

Jase

P.S. Since these are just my suggestions, feel free to use whatever works for you and dismiss what doesn't.
| Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  i like it....it flows (it talks). It seems to mean something. it calls for a second (or third) read. speaks volumes about frantic confusion and search for solutions (to me).
| Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by jbradley | [ Reply to This ]
  There's too much in the world that one can see, and think of how much or little it affects them. The biggest problem in what you write is the farfetched. we all like pretty words. we all want to be beautiful and say skinny things.(laugh-a-minute) but it's not enough. it's not enough to write when(what)ever you feel a deep sense of anything because it pales whatever other emotion you have had in the past. and it's not enough to feel worthyness in yourself if only because you write whatever we mustn't understand because it's sacred(shhhh). i can't relate because everything you've written, i can imagine or have experienced. but i don't feel anything. words sometimes lose their source and motivation and remain just that. this is what this is like. maybe paraphrasing will help, maybe correcting typos will help. but something different.
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
  now that alteredlife worked out the typos I can do the fun part: tell you what I think of it! I love that even though the piece has a sadness to it, it isn't angry or hateful. you pose some solutions...
"You've got to start drinking more water, breathing less empty space and fall asleep on the highway" I don't understand the highway part. I do, however, think it would be funny to say "...OR fall asleep on the highway" ... as to say "take my suggestions or go have a car wreck"... but that's just my mean side acting up.
Overall my favorite thing about the piece is that it is thought-provoking. Seems like everything you write leaves me contemplating every possible meaning to each line, and I love that. I also like that you've created a sensation... a feeling that we all know. We've all had that moment where everything is nothing but it all makes sense. happens most to me on cloudy days so your references to clouds and rain made it even better for me. clear mind, cloudy day.
oh, and one more point... when our minds see things clearly, for that moment they race to drink it all in... so many thoughts at once. This piece also brought that to mind.
thanks for writing. keep it up!
jess
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

107830

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.