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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ~Sunset~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunset
    ASL Info:    21/F/Melb, Australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 76/46/32
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1227
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 717



    Description:
       He is going over seas. He is leaving me :(


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots~Sunset~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Leave the sunset in the sky
    I want to remember this
    Keep the sparkle in your eye
    I need to save this memory
    Take my heart away with you
    No reason for it to stay
    Iíll save this smile just for you
    In case you come back one day
    Press a kiss onto my lips
    Just for one last moment
    I wish that time would hold us here
    Minutes will take you away
    I know I cannot hold you back
    This is something you must do
    I just feel like you are my world
    It just wonít turn without you
    So all I ask is when you go
    Donít turn to see me cry
    Just kiss my lips and walk away
    Leave the sunset in the sky




    Submitted on 2006-06-21 01:45:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW!!. I feel like that now but not quite in the same way for a different reason. I hope you feel better and that everything get flown with him and you...Anyways, about the peice. I Love the whole thing really. And I agree that it was sort of lyrical like.. I can feel what you feel with the descriptions, it's what i feel but i can't word.. so thnx..
    Again great write..

    -medicated
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by medicated | [ Reply to This ]
      this is great i luv it its gud 2 c another aussie on here and one from melbourne as well go melbourne its gud 2 c im not alone here but seriously this is a great write keep it up ;)
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by brokenbylove | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the ideas in this piece,but found a jolt at lines 12 to 16 these lines seem very short and sharp you could try cutting or rewording to keep the run clean. Also without puntution you could play around with the word break and line spacing.Stay happy.


    bye
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by going_strong | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved your poem, it said goodbye in a very special way. I liked the way you said "Leave the sunset in the sky", you included things about nature, and that's beautiful. These lines, were my favorite:
    Take my heart away with you
    No reason for it to stay
    I liked the way your poem is sad, but it's also hopeful.

    XoXo
    Gaby
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by Lost_Delirious | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this one. I thought it was .... lyrical!

    You conveyed the sense of sadness at this leaving beautifully. Well done!

    Regards,

    Psyve
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by Psyve | [ Reply to This ]


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