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    dots Submission Name: Shoelacesdots

    Author: Localfreak
    ASL Info:    37, Maybe, Here
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 131/123/76
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 1059
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1223

       heh heh
    Once again I had to take up the challenge...

    I really enjoy these daft little rhymes they are so much more fun than serious poetry

    This is dedicated to rainbowXrazors

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Twisting and turning, and bending, the mind
    With the unravelling of bows, at the most awkward time
    With each slip through the loop, and with each frayed refrain
    I shall not be using you, ever again

    I shall stick with the teeth, and an unnamed puller
    Or with hooks and their hoops, to pull my shoes together
    Maybe buttons are better, for my sanity
    Even the clip of a stud, would be an ease

    So I threw you away, in the dark of the drawer
    Had the worries of twisting, and turning no more
    No more sneaking away, when my mind's was set elsewhere
    Just to trip up my heels, when my feet try to steer

    But now I found that I need you, with your, simple ways
    Even Velcro and buttons, will still misbehave
    When the hoops tend to give, they give up with style
    And you'd think that studs, would at least last a while

    So I'm back where I started, though you are such a pain
    The unravelling still comes, and I curse you yet again
    But when you do break, I know I can replace you
    So keep bending my mind, for I know,
    I can never again hate you

    Submitted on 2006-06-21 01:48:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I liked it, simple subject, yet it can be applied to many things depending who is reading it, while things like this may not be as deep to everyone as some other things, they remaine clever and witty, and still fit situations of emotion, depending on the person.

    that's why i like them
    | Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      Local freak,

    Hi. That was clever. I like poems that are sort of microscopic in feel. You took a tiny, seemingly insignificant thing and really magnified it. If you eliminate some of the wordiness in places, you will improve the rhythm. For example:

    I'm back where I started, though you are a pain
    The unravelling comes, and I curse you again
    But when you break, I know I can replace you
    Keep bending my mind, but I can never hate you

    Ok now I apologize for rewriting part of your poem.

    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]

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