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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Why is Everybody Walking Around?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vintagepepper
    ASL Info:    21/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    7.05 - 191/153/46
    Words: 359
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1321
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1263



    Description:
       mood- disconnected, disjointed, disengaged. blah.

    this sort of just came out of nowhere. criticize it, praise it...do whatever you'd like. ...please...ANY comment is welcome! :-)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhy is Everybody Walking Around?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why is everybody walking around?
    I peer out the window; the sky has decided to

    ' : . *. : ' .f. : . * . '
    . .: . . ' : * .: ; ' . .*
    : . * ' a , : ; . . : * . :
    . : ' * . . ; ' . * . . : * ' .
    * . : ' * : . * . . l : ' *. ;
    . : ' * . . : ' .. * : ..*' ' :
    : ' * : : . ' *l. : . ' : . .*

    I知 so disengaged . . . so disjointed..

    Why did my skin decide not to bleed ?
    My heart痴 in the clouds,I feel so pathetic.
    I知 just a ribbon in the wind

    Why is everyone blind to me today?
    I sit in existence; yet, I知 a complete void
    Where is compassion when I need it?

    Where the hell is compassion,
    When I need it the most?
    ...At my feet, with the sky.




    Submitted on 2006-06-21 08:38:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ah yes the feeling is not a stranger here, sometimes when you feel like being alone everyone has to try to come by your side to see if you are ok but you really just need time alone but when you are really hurting that is when everyone seems to scatter and you wonder where is everyone and their so called COMPASSION but just know that no matter how alone we feel that there is always someone out their that loves you. I loke that little fall thing that you did that was pretty sweet!

    : . *. : ' .f. : . * . '
    . .: . . ' : * .: ; ' . .*
    : . * ' a , : ; . . : * . :
    . : ' * . . ; ' . * . . : * ' .
    * . : ' * : . * . . l : ' *. ;
    . : ' * . . : ' .. * : ..*' ' :
    : ' * : : . ' *l. : . ' : . .*

    much LOVE
    James
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems like another, dressing poem. Good writers don't write about what everyone else is writting about. They write about a topic that has never been thought about before.

    I'm not saying this piece is bad, no not at all. I think you have great potenial. But the fact that you added in - what has now become a fad- the bleeding thing. Sorry but normal when you are dressed your body jsut doesn't bleed. Only when you have a cut and your skin has been ripped you bleed. And people will not notice you if you just sit around an mope. If you feel like your being ignored, I'm pretty sure you aren't.

    I'm sorry this isn't the nicest comment, and I honestly don't like to give out comment about this, but I just thought it goes within a certain boundry of thoguhts and feelings. Which most poets are bound to. Think outside the box. It may not be rewarding, or as praised, but at least you know you've gone against the grain.

    i'm honestly sorry i gave out this comment. But i still hope to see more of your work. ... great now i feel bad.... okay well.

    ~ youARemyCANNIBAL
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by GOGO1877 | [ Reply to This ]
      The last stanza was good, very relative though you dont have to experience to feel, i mean it was transitive enough to be understood, it was..a very good write...Keep writing i would like to hear more...

    -Anya
    | Posted on 2006-06-25 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]
      Why is everybody walking around today?
    I looked out the window as the sky

    ' : . *. : ' .f. : . * . '
    . .: . . ' : * .: ; ' . .*
    : . * ' e , : ; . . : * . :
    . : ' * . . ; ' . * . . : * ' .
    * . : ' * : . * . . l : ' *. ;
    . : ' * . . : ' .. * : ..*' ' :
    : ' * : : . ' *l. : . ' : . . * : ; . '

    I知 so disengaged . . . so disjointed..

    Why did my skin not bleed today?
    My heart痴 in the clouds,I feel so pathetic.
    I知 just a ribbon in the wind

    Why is everybody blind to me today?
    I sit in existence; yet, I知 a complete void
    Where the hell is compassion when I need it?

    Where the hell is compassion,
    When I need it the most?
    At my feet, with the sky.


    Because your sky fell, not theirs (and in your case, as in the case of most depressed individuals, the world needs clues as to your emotional state since most of humanity seems blissfully unaware of each other; at least that's my impression).

    Whatever state of mind you were in it did yield some honesty. That's refreshing. I did tweak the lineation slightly at the opening of the post, but the rest seems fine as it is.

    Take care, VP.
    Bill.


    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it! I especially like your clever presentation of the word "fall." This sets a blue mood and we feel the pain. I've seen the sky fall, we all have, but next day, there it is again. I swear there are people walking this planet who can put it back up for you. Here are a few suggestions:

    S1 - Keep to the present tense. This is happening as you speak. L1 Drop "around today", "walking" is sufficient. L2 "look" "decides" You might also add "and" between these two phrases.

    S2 - Drop "decide", not needed and repetitive. L2 After Clouds" add "yet".

    S3 - L1 Change "everybody" to "everyone" to avoid repeating it. Again, drop "today." L2 Change "sit in existence" to "exist." L3 Drop "the hell" save it fot the finish. Repeating causes it to lose power.

    S4 - Big finish, but drop L2. It's a repeat from last stanza. Keeping it to "Where the hell is compassion?" / "At my feet with the sky." is just so much more powerful. One complete thought, an asked question and an answer.

    That's all I have for suggestions, hope they help. Your poem cries loneliness, though I think that was not your intent. Generally, the feelings run together, the blues and being lonely. Things never seem so down when we're alone and seem so bright as when we're in love. That's what I got from this. The image of seeing the sky fall, to me, was a sense of lost love, maybe it's just me. Well, I liked this poem though it made me sad. I liked that "fall" thing, very clever, how it looks like a window. I like the images you created, of sky falling, of being "disjointed", a perfect description, and of being a "void". How lonely is that? And your ending is perfect. When we feel this way, there is no understanding the actions of others.

    All in all - Sad, but well done. Loved it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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